all right what's up everybody it's Chris from the rewired soul a little bit
different I'm not gonna do all the whole intro and follow me and stuff like that
you can if you want to but I just want to sit down man you it's it's Tuesday
sorry new series youtuber Tuesday um and yeah I don't know I'm a youtuber I'm
gonna be talking about why I you know don't really feel comfortable getting
vulnerable on YouTube anymore so I hope this helps some other youtubers but also
this is mainly for my audience and if you have any suggestions like go ahead
and leave them down below but this is gonna be pretty much unedited I think
uncensored and one of the issues with being a youtuber is like you have like
your brand right like your brand what's my brand and like YouTube was this place
where it's like you're just authentic right you just talk how you talk you be
you you just be authentically you but you know especially just after you've
been through some shit like you're worried about what you're gonna say
who's it gonna upset but I don't know this video like I might save some things
and might piss some people off and I you know it's whatever I'm just gonna would
be authentic alright so the first thing I want to talk about is I'm making this
video because I just got off the phone with my therapist and like holy shit I
haven't talked to her in a month and a half two months something like that just
because my schedule and her schedule just hasn't been syncing up and just man
just breakthrough breakthrough breakthrough like I'm like oh my god I
felt so stuck lately um I set up an appointment with her because I've been
feeling uh anhedonia right that kind of numbness that goes along with depression
and everything I thought it might be my meds everything like that and yeah we we
talked through it and like I feel like I'm like holy shit like it it feels in
like any of you who have been in therapy you know what I'm talking about feels
like well hopefully if you have a good thing this feels like just something
like the gears of my brain were like clogged and just talking with her
just kind of it unclog some shit and now I can keep moving forward but the first
thing I want to talk about is my therapist is a better help therapist all
right better help is a great service my therapist is a fully licensed therapist
here in the state of Nevada and she's a fuckin badass all right
so anybody out there who still believes in the conspiracy theory that better
help doesn't have real therapist like you're a schmuck okay you are a schmuck
so yes I am an affiliate of better hope so they actually give me free therapy
because I promote you know their service because it's awesome but anyways if you
want to ever check them out I always have their affiliate link down in the
description below but anyways so I was talking with her and I don't know how
much I want to tell you guys cuz I don't want to make this video like an hour
long I'm only three minutes in let's do this so I was talking to her about the
numbness you know what I mean in this feeling and everything we were talking
and she's just you know trying to open me up and figure this thing out with
those questions that therapists ask you and stuff like that and I told her like
I just haven't felt passionate and motivated in things and I don't like
that I don't want to be I've never wanted to be just one of those people
who's just mindlessly going through life and then next thing you know I come
lying on my deathbed like I wanted to make a positive impact on this world and
also ever since I got sober seven years ago and was almost dying like I feel
like you know I want to do something right I want to leave a positive impact
on this world I want to help people I want to do this but I just haven't felt
motivated and one of the goals I've had and some of you who follow me on social
media you know I've been talking about starting my new book and everything like
that and I'll just do a spoiler out there for you so I was gonna make it
originally I was gonna write it about depression but then I was like no no I
want to write about happiness right and I've been stuck and I was telling her
you know because I'm not working on anything big like just the youtubes say
like I love creating I love putting videos and share my ideas and thoughts
and everything like that but like I'm used to working on something bigger like
I love writing right like before YouTube even started like I wrote my first book
you know like writing is Who I am and then YouTube just happened to work but I
was telling her like I was gonna make the book rewire your happiness but I'm
like I haven't felt like that kind of like oh that motivation that you know
what I'm not just gonna write like a dull book on happiness and she's like
why'd you want to write that book and I told her I was like I was like you know
I've been through so much in my life and you know I had to get sober seven years
ago my first year sober was a bitch the second two year sober was harder than
that for five years straight my life started going good and this year was the
most difficult year of my life since I got sober and I was like and you know
what like I didn't relapse I wasn't you know suicidal and all of that and like
hold on I told you guys I wasn't gonna edit but let me see uh recording oh go
back down okay Tristan just got home with groceries and she asked me if I can
come down I'll turn the time and so I can record this anyways that's the thing
but I'll go down and I'll grab the girl she's after I finish this so I was oh oh
no no so I wasn't suicidal or anything like that and that's crazy for a guy
like me right I'm a drug addict like something like like losing twenty
thousand subscribers having the whole world hate you like that's something
that should drive anybody over the edge and I'm like I was telling I was like I
want to help people I want to show people like you can get through shit
like no matter how hard things are going through like because most people out
there they don't have to worry about picking up a drink or a drug or anything
like that like so I want to show people like if I can get through this you can
get through anything so I was telling I was like you know and then it clicked
I'm like maybe I've been stuck and haven't started on this book because I
shouldn't be writing rewire your happiness right now I should be working
on something else in just just discussing how you can get through stuff
and trying to inspire people and you know and share the strategies that I
use and everything like that so yeah we kind of got there but then we
were talking and yeah we we kind of got to this thing where we were talking
about vulnerability and you know like how I help people right like part of the
way I help people and always have and it's what I learned when I got sober was
share your experience so you can help others and I don't know how we got to
the conversation but when I started this channel and I always thought that I
always thought that I did a good job you know sharing my experience like I'm a
crazy person just like all of you I'm just less crazy than I used to be you
know what I mean I thought I did a good job explaining that and for forever
since I've had my channel and even when I was working in the rehab center like
it was no problem sharing and getting vulnerable and being like yo I'm going
through this too and everything like that and you know whatever and I was
always making videos like that as well and it's been ever since everything
happened back in March or April it's been hard to do that right
and I'm like why like why like why am I stuck why am I afraid to get vulnerable
on camera it's like I've shared my story like my addiction recovery story in
front of hundreds of people you know mental health conferences and at the
rehab center everything like that I've shared my addiction story on YouTube in
front of thousands of people and everything like that right so I'm like
so what the fuck is wrong with me why can't I do that and yeah like just
talking with who I'm like I I know what it is I know what it is see see back in
the day when I started this channel when I started you know showing at the you
know running groups and everything at the rehab like I did that and it
inspired other people like look like I'm a I'm a straight dude you know whatever
with a beard and everything and I can hop
in front of people and get vulnerable and talk about mental health and some
things that other people don't talk about and it inspires other people to
open up and talk about that right so the thing is it's like ever since everything
happened I have this like fear in my head because now when I hop on a video
and get vulnerable I have this massive fear and it's so fucking stupid
I just massive fear if I sit down on camera and get real get honest get
vulnerable I'm gonna have a bunch of little assholes coming in to look at
this card just playing the victim right and it's dumb that I even let that
bother me you know and like I said a lot of you who've been watching the last
week or two like I'm trying to make sure I provide you guys with value and
everything like that and like why am I worried about them when my goal is to
help you you know what I mean but I'm so worried about me getting vulnerable on
camera and people saying I'm playing the victim and oh my god he doesn't take any
responsibility at all this dumb shit right so what I do for kind of this like
safety cushion thing is you know I had one of my mentors asking me yesterday he
was like cuz like Chris is like why do you still make videos you know using
youtubers as topics and then talking about mental hobbies like that hasn't
been working for you for months or whatever and you know part of it be
completely honest like part of it is I know a lot of you you you you came here
from that right and that's how you learn and everything you know so like that is
a learning technique that works like oh I can relate to that youtuber here let's
learn about mental health but what I kind of realized today was part of
that's a safety net like if I use a youtuber as a topic then I don't have to
fully you know just sit here and top my own experience right but then there's
the other group of assholes who comes in so when we talk about YouTube
so in my mind is kind of this damned if you do damned if you don't situation so
that's why I haven't been sitting here and getting like real and just you know
just doing this like a traditional mental health Channel but but I'm gonna
start trying to do that more and everything and I put up a poll the other
day there were some asshole comments on it but anyways I was like what topics do
you guys want me to talk about depression anxiety trauma you know
whatever and I think I did another poll because November's coming up and it's
like National Writers Month and I was gonna start daily blogging and
everything like that and like I want to blog and just share my experience and
hopefully help others and let you know like hey here's what I'm going through
and here's what I'm doing to get through it get over like therapy
you know meditation keeping active keeping busy you know something that I
really want to discuss in a video is how do you get shit done when you don't want
to get shit done right like one of the biggest symptoms of depression is this
lack of motivation the like I keep moving forward I keep doing things that
keep making videos I keep working on other projects and everything like that
you know what I'm saying so there's a lot that I want to share
whether it's in video whether it's in blog form or whatever like one of the
reasons I want to blog is just get back into the writing mode so that I can
start writing a book again and everything like that but I did want to
sit down and discuss like just a little bit about what's going on with me and
why I make the videos I make or why I don't make certain videos but I'm gonna
try to do better at that and just not letting the assholes bother me as much
you know what I mean but recently I um you know I made that really smart
decision to unblock everybody it hasn't been that bad like I'm not like in all
seriousness it hasn't been that bad I thought I was gonna be way worse but I
unblocked everybody and it did open up this like demonic floodgate of dickheads
come in and talk shit but whatever but I I haven't been as active in the comments
because of that like hell we're being honest we're being vulnerable I have not
been in the comments as much as usual because people come in
just talking shit and like I really I really like I said like us youtubers we
got to find this balance with being authentic but sometimes like when I see
those comments and one of the reasons I don't read them because I see it and I
just want to tell people to go fuck themselves you know what I mean and
that's probably not brand friendly for my brand because I'm the mental health
guy but I'm not that kind of mental health guy like I'm a human with
feelings and emotions and I don't like when people are assholes like I'll end
with this so my my my therapist this if anybody says Chris is playing the victim
here's the part where they're gonna say that I was told my therapist right
before we got the phone I'm like it just bothers me because I'm just a dude who
wakes up in the morning I want to help people with their mental health that's
it but for some reason people just won't stop fucking with me you know and I get
it like you know I have my style I have my tone and everything I've pissed some
people off and everything like that but at the end of the day like there's all
these like crazy conspiracy theories out there about why I do what I do but like
the the 1000% honest truth is I like helping people you know what I mean so
that's it but anyways yeah if you have any suggestions comments so if there's
any topics that you want me to cover you guys have really been in two videos
where I just kind of share what's going on like so I don't know I I want to make
a commitment to myself to kind of do more of these and challenge myself and
take risks and kind of get out of that mindset of like oh no I'm worried about
miserable assholes on the internet saying I'm playing a victim you know
what I mean so I'm gonna try to challenge myself more and sit down and
do some videos like this alright anyways that's all I got
happy Tuesday I'll see y'all tomorrow