Hello, and welcome to
"Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend."
What you're hearing now is, I think, our third
or fourth attempt
[Sona] Yep, Yeah.
to start the show.
(laughter)
I won't get into what happened,
but we just kept stumbling and bumbling, and-
We?
Well, first of all, Sona.
Okay, not you, Matt. Okay, not you,
but we try to take where Sona went down a weird road.
We had to quickly stop it.
Yeah.
Then I had a small, I'm just going to say
it was an aneurysm.
[Sona] Yeah.
Treatable. Treatable if there's emergency surgery
very quickly. Whatever. Usually, I swear to God,
we start this show, and we just go, baby,
and what you hear is what you get.
Wait, that doesn't make sense
because if you heard it, you already got it.
Start again.
No, we're not starting again.
We're going to plow ahead.
People need to know, if nothing else, we're honest.
So we've never ever had three attempts
to get atop of a show.
No.
And today we did, and I'm saying
'cause there are a lot of people
out there that think, 'How does Conan do it?
It's just incredible. He must be juicing.'
Oh, my God.
'What kind of mind is it? Can we get a CAT scan or an MRI?
Can we see what this mind looks like?'
You know, whatever. 'All this stuff they did with Einstein,
you know, can we study this?'
What I'm saying is that I'm trying to be open with you
and say, "Yes, even I, even I, and if I can make a mistake,
it's okay that you make a lot of them too, people."
Is that endearing me to my crowd?
What do you think?
Uh, I don't know. I feel like you lost it
when you compared yourself to Einstein.
Well, there are similarities.
Oh, are there?
Yes. I also, I also have had some of my best ideas
while working in a patent office, staring at a clock tower
in a small German town.
That's what he did.
He just worked in a patent office and stared
at a clock that was in the center of town.
And that's how we thought of relativity and all those other,
you know, that's where he had his A-bomb idea
'Conan, he did not have the A-bomb idea.'
Ha, ha, ha
My point is-
What is happening?
I don't know.
Is that even true, for reals,
about Einstein staring at a clock?
I've been there?
No, you haven't.
Yeah, in Switzerland.
Where's the town, is it Onnens?
It's in Bern, Switzerland.
Bern, Switzerland, that's right, that's right.
He was in Bern, Switzerland, Einstein,
and he was working in a patent office,
I believe, at a kind of a humdrum job.
Yeah, and that's a museum you can go to now.
Yeah, and there's a clock in the center of town,
and he would stare at that clock,
and that's where he started to hatch his early theory
of relativity.
I think he was on a little train or a trolley,
moving away from the clock,
and that's how he got the idea.
He was either moving towards it or away,
and that's how he got the idea
for relativity and speed and all that.
You know what, you know that there's something else
to this story that's missing.
That if you could go back,
Einstein loved to pretend to be humble,
but you notice how he took all the credit?
Yeah, there was some kid that-
(in foreign accent) "I was just on the train,
and it was moving, and I saw the clock tower and,
and then I thought of-"
And you know that there was a kid,
or there was like a ticket taker who came by
and was like, (in foreign accent) "You know,
I need to take your tickets. I need to take your tickets.
Oh, look at the clock! Everything's relative."
(laughter)
Right? And Einstein was probably like,
"I'm trying to sleep."
(in foreign accent) "No, but you can see how it's going,
And it's just like, do you think maybe there's a speed
at which time would slow down?"
And Einstein was like, "Oh, fuck it,
he's always talking about speed slowing down
when we get faster from the clock."
"I'm just something- I'm just a humble ticket taker.
But if that idea comes of any use to you,
young patent man, uh, maybe you could include my name."
"What's your name?"
"My name is Hasselhoffer."
"Okay, sure, I'll include you later."
Incredible, Einstein, did this idea come to you
and you alone?
"Yes, it did."
Oh, man.
Cut to Hasselhoffer who,
by that point, has lost his job at the train station.
He's wandering the streets
of Switzerland alone with his broken cuckoo clock,
looking for a place to get some soup.
And he's reading- And he passes a newspaper,
"Einstein thinks up relativity all by himself," right?
Fucking Einstein.
What a dick. I hate Einstein.
Yeah, he sucks.
Yeah, but what I'm saying is, you know that someone else,
these stories, these stories, there's always something else.
Yeah.
So yes. You were there, right,
weren't you, Matt, you saw the clock tower.
He didn't think of that himself.
Definitely, there was someone else.
The museum is a patent office? Is that fun?
Well, we went up to the door and didn't go in.
What?
Cause it's like a tiny little building,
and it felt cramped.
I think I remember it being oddly expensive
for what you're about to get.
Wait a minute, you went to-
You were standing outside the patent office,
the little office where Einstein thought up relativity,
and you, all it took, was for you to hand them a piece
of dark chocolate and you could have gone
and looked at the actual room where the single biggest idea
since Newton had his theory of gravity,
and you didn't go in?
No, well you could see in it from the doorway.
Oh, you cheapskate.
(laughter)
"I could see in it from the doorway," what a cheapskate.
You used to work at Disneyland.
What if I said, "Oh yeah,
when I'm on the freeway and you get nearby,
you can kind of see what's going on in there."
I'd understand and say, "Yeah, bless you, brother.
I understand."
(laughter)
I've driven by- Oh, we took off LAX, and we banked,
and I could sort of see Disneyland off in the distance."
Yeah, I got the idea.
You don't have to go.
And also, I just want to see the room
where clearly Einstein was goofing off.
What do you mean, "goofing off"?
He was not doing his patent work.
Oh.
Sona, there's a lot of times at the office where you sit
outside my office and you could be thinking
up a theory equivalent to relativity or something like that.
Yeah, I am.
Instead, you're watching, sometimes, porn at work.
Jeez.
Well, my defense, first of all,
my computer doesn't face anyone else,
so I can watch whatever I want.
And second, I just think that, like,
you don't know what I'm doing.
What's the dirtiest thing you've looked at at work?
Uh. you really want to know?
Yeah.
Do you really want to know?
I want to know too.
Okay, so my, you know, every once in a while,
especially when we go to Comic-Con,
sometimes we think of and learn these new sexual acts.
So, not that this is new, but-
What does that have to do with Comic-Con?
What do you mean? You know,
we're off to a comic book convention.
So, of course, that introduces the concept
of sexual acts, perverse sexual acts.
How do those two connect?
We all sit around in the audience
during when you're rehearsing,
and we'll be like, "Hey, does anybody know
about padlocking? And then, that's how we like look into it.
But one of our favorite videos, and I'm saying, "our"
because a couple other people
from the office came and watched it.
It was a, uh, like a, you know, maybe,
it was like a fisting video.
Oh my God.
Did you watch that on the work computer?
I did. Yes. Oh no, I hope HR doesn't find out.
Like anyone cares at our office.
Was I at work when this was happening?
Yeah, you were in your office.
You were in the video.
(laughter)
Unwillingly. I didn't know.
It was a prank fisting video.
(sighing) Uh.
(laughter)
I didn't know it was- You could make a prank show like that,
and I was-
What happened to "Candid Camera"?
Those were such, that was such innocent fun.
God!
But, no, was I, was I nearby when this was show-?
'Cause I don't look at that. I'm not going to look at that.
No, you don't look at it, but you don't,
you never hear people, like,
around my office congregating?
They'll be like, "Oh, my God!"
I thought you were watching me at rehearsal.
And like, "Oh my God, he's quick."
"Oh, that was a good edit."
"Oh, my God, that was a deep, deep, deep thought
he just had."
You think we all get around
and watch rehearsal and, like, cheer you on?
I just, yeah.
You're watching a maestro at the height
of his game. When you guys were shrieking
and saying, "That is so amazing.
I can't believe that just happened,"
I thought you were talking about rehearsal,
not a fist going into another person's orifice.
Oh, come on. Don't say it like that.
Well, anyway, my point is, to bring it all back,
is that if fisting videos had been available
in that patent office,
we wouldn't have the theory of relativity, right?
I think we should've gone with Take Two.
(laughter)
We'll never know. Well, many disturbing thoughts.
A lot to chew- I was going to say, "A lot to chew on,"
but I don't want to.
[Sona] Ah, come on.