( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I FELT LIKE I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
I GOT TWO LITTLE ONES BACK HOME I'M RAISING, AGES 7, 72 AND 73.
MY PARENTS, MY ADORABLE PARENTS.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYTHING THEY TOLL ME NOT TO
DO AS A KID AS THEY'RE GETTING OLDER THEY DO IT NOW.
LIKE STARING, THEY LOVE IT.
WE GO TO THE MALL, THEY JUST STARE AGGRESSIVELY.
MY DAD IS A POINTER, LIKE, LOOK AT HIM, LOOK AT HIM.
I SAID, THAT'S YOUR REFLECTION, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE MY PARENTS, I WISH YOU
GUYS COULD MEET THEM.
MY MOM IS THE TYPE OF LADY WHO HAS A FAKE FLOWER IN A VASE WITH
REAL WATER.
( LAUGHTER ) HOPING FOR A MIRACLE.
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) , WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY
GROWING UP.
MY MOM GAVE ME FAKE JORDANS.
I KNEW THEY WERE FAKE BECAUSE THE SYMBOL WAS DOING THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) MY PARENTS WERE GOOD PEOPLE.
MY DAD WORKED HARD AND SOMETIMES HE DIDN'T HAVE MONEY FOR
CHRISTMAS.
FOR CHRISTMAS HE USED TO PUT GIFT WRAPPING PAPER ON THE WALL.
CHRISTMAS DAY -- I GIVE YOU A PLACE TO LIVE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY DAD DOES HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF
HUMOR.
HE TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY I'M LAZY AND IF I WAS A TRANSFORMER
I WOULD BE A FUTON.
( LAUGHTER ) RAISING YOUR PARENTS IS HARD.
I WORRY WHO MY MOM HANGS OUT WITH, YOU KNOW.
I DO.
THERE ARE SOME BAD OLD LADIES OUT THERE.
MY MOM, HER BETH FRIEND SAMANTHA.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S SUPER SWEET AND OLDER BUT MAN I DON'T LIKE THAT
BITCH AT ALL, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THE OTHER DAY I COME HOME,
THEY'RE HANGING OUT, SAMANTHA SEES ME, ZIPS OUT FAST.
I WALK IN, MY MOM IS SWEATING, BLOODSHOT EYES, I NEVER SEEN MY
MOM HIGH BEFORE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT SCARED ME.
I SAID, MOM, YOU OKAY?
SHE GOES -- NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE FELT BAD.
SHE SAID, LOOK, I TOOK PILLS THAT SAMANTHA GAVE ME BUT YOU'RE
NOT MAD AT ME, ARE YOU?
I SAID, NO, MOM I'M NOT MAD, I'M JUST VERY DISAPPOINTED.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAD TO SIT DOWN WITH MY MOM
AND SAY, LOOK, WHEN YOU DO STUFF LIKE THIS, I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T
TRUST YOU ANYMORE.
I NEED YOU TO WRITE DOWN ALL YOUR FRIENDS' NAMES AND PHONE
NUMBERS JUST SO I KNOW WHO YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, GIVE ME SAMANTHA'S NUMBER.
I WANT TO TALK TO HER SON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I WANTED TO CALL, SEE IF HE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON.
SHE DIDN'T WANT ME TO CALL.
DON'T CALL HIM!
I'M CALLING HIM RIGHT NOW.
>> I TOLD HIM, YOUR MOM AND MY MOM CAN'T HANG OUT ANYMORE.
SHE'S A BAD INFLUENCE.
I DON'T LIKE HOW YOU'RE RAISING YOUR PARENTS OVER THERE.
BYE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE TABLES TURN.
WHEN I WAS LITTLE MY MOM WOULD TAKE ME TO SOCCER PRACTICE.
SHE WOULD HECKLE ME, IT WAS EMBARRASSING, HEAD BACK!
I DON'T PAY 50 BUCKS FOR NOTHING, GET YOUR ASS WHOOPED!
NOW WATER AEROBICS, I TAKE ME MOM, SHE GETS IN THE POOL, SHE'S
JUST BOBBING IN THE WATER, NOT EVEN WITH THE CLASS, JUST OVER
HERE LOOKING AT ME.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M, LIKE, COME ON, MOM, MOVE,
DO SOMETHING!
I DON'T PAY 50 BUCKS A MONTH FOR YOU TO BOB IN THE WATER ALL DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE DRIVING HOME.
MOM SAYS, CAN WE GET McDONALD'S?
I SAID, NO, McDONALD'S IS FOR WINNERS.
NOBODY WON TODAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> James: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JESUS TREJO, CHECK
HIM OUT!
COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY!