-Our next guest has his standup special,
"My Name is Preacher," streaming now on YouTube.
Please welcome the very funny Preacher Lawson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Alright. Thank you so much.
Yeah, I just dropped my second stand-up special, y'all.
Who got... [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. Who got Netflix, make some noise.
[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, yeah. Hey. Alright.
'Cause it's on YouTube. Check it out.
It's on YouTube, and it's, uh -- it's free there.
So, yeah, people tell me all the time,
"You need to be on Netflix."
Like it's my choice or something.
"You gotta date Beyoncé."
It's like, I think she likes somebody else, you know?
But I can't date Beyoncé.
I went on a date with Tyra Banks, though.
That was pretty cool, you know? Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] Hey. That's right.
It wasn't real. But I wish it was. I wish.
If it was real, I wouldn't be here right now.
You know, I'd be at her house, washing dishes or something.
You know, I'd give her a kiss on the way to work.
"Have a good day, babe." You know, give her...
[ Laughter ] Give her a slap on that.
"Go and make us some money," you know?
Go back, fluff them pillows, baby.
[ Laughter ] She's tall.
See, I didn't realize how tall she was
till I hugged her and my foot came up.
I was like, "Whoa, that's kinda -- whoa.
Put me down." You know?
No. But, uh, yeah, I feel good.
I got my hair done. I don't know if y'all like it.
You guys like my hair? [ Cheers and applause ]
Like, my hair, though? Do you like it?
It's my favorite thing in the world -- just flick my hair.
Sometimes I fake like someone said my name so I could do it.
I'm like, "Who called me over here?
Someone said my name?" [ Laughter ]
"Which one of y'all said my name?!"
Feel like Little Mermaid when she came out the water.
♪ Look at my hair. Isn't it neat? ♪
I love it, yeah.
The only thing I don't like about my hair,
it's too grabbable. You know, I don't...
Like, I was making out with my girlfriend
that doesn't exist. In the middle of us kissing,
she got so into it, she, like, pulled my hair back.
I don't like that.
This is the most emasculating motion
I've ever felt in my life.
'Cause when she did it, I wasn't prepared.
A sound came out I wasn't ready for.
I was like, "Yeah. Hey!" [ Deep voice ] "Hey! Hey!"
[ Normal voice ] I had to overcompensate.
[ Deep voice ] "Hey, I don't like that."
[ Normal voice ] You know, I...
[ Deep voice ] "Don't pull my hair."
[ Normal voice ] You know? Anyway...
Um, I had a birthday two weeks ago, and, uh...
[ Cheers and applause ] That's right.
Yeah! I have a birthday every year,
and they're always good. I always have good birth--
I only had, like, one bad birthday.
It was my 19th.
Everyone forgot it was my birthday.
Everyone except my mom and my brother.
And my mom -- she got me a $100 Applebee's gift card.
Right? [ Cheers and applause ]
That's right, that's right. Left me 11.
And my brother was like,
"I realize everyone forgot about your birthday,
so I'm going to take you out to eat.
You hungry?" I was like, "I'm always hungry."
He's like, "Cool, 'cause I heard
Mom gave you an Applebee's gift card
or something." I said, "You want me
to take you out withy my birthday gift on my birthday?"
And I was angry, and I was driving.
When you're angry and you're driving, guess what you do?
Speed. So I was speeding on my birthday.
I get pulled over on my birthday.
Cop gets out of the car. It's a black cop.
So, immediately, I'm like, "Yeah!
About to get a discount!" So, you know,
he walks up and he goes, uh, "Let me see
your license and registration, please."
And I panicked, and I gave him
my Applebee's gift card. [ Laughter ]
He goes, "You trying to bribe me with an Applebee's gift card?
Get out the car."
And when he said that, on the inside, I was like,
"It's my birthday!"
But on the outside, I just turned 19,
so I'm trying to be tough in front of my brother.
I'm like, "Pbht. I got a cop mad at me, cuz.
Yeah. Are you gonna put cuffs on me?
Okay, you think this is the first time I've been in cuffs?"
Because it was. I was like, "Whoa!"
I was like, "These are so cold."
And he goes, "What's up with your attitude?"
And I said, "I ain't got no attitude!"
But I said it like that.
So he starts to put me in the back of the cop car.
But as he's doing that, on the inside,
I was like, "It's my birthday!"
But on the outside, I'm like, "It's my birthday!"
And I peed on myself a little bit.
It wasn't a full amount of pee.
It was right before the cutoff point.
I was like, "Ooh, that was almost unstoppable."
And so I get inside the back of the cop car
'cause he wouldn't let me in the front.
And he goes, "Hey, man, what's going on?"
I was like, "It's my birthday. Everybody forgot my birthday."
And then he checks my I.D., sees it's my birthday,
and says, "Alright, man, get out of here."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I was like, "Wow."
I was like, "Are you serious?"
He goes, "Yeah, I'm serious. Hurry up and get out
before I change my mind." And I was like, "Oh snap, man,
but you know, I'm in cuffs right now."
And then the officer says, "Oh, yeah, my bad.
Let me get out real quick." And he gets out.
He unlocks the door, he uncuffs me,
and he goes, "Hey man, just slow down."
And I was like, "Thank you so much, officer."
And I just do that spin move, "Hey!"
You know that spin move
where you try to wipe all the tears
before your brother sees you crying?
I did that one. And I get in the car.
My brother's like, "I already heard you crying."
I was like, "I don't care.
It's my birthday. I'll cry if I want to.
Like, you would cry, too, if it happened to you."
[ Laughter ]
And I remember... [ Cheers and applause ]
You know, remember the cop drove up,
he pulled up right next to me, and says,
"Hey man, happy birthday." And pulls off.
I'm like, "Wow, wow." [ Cheers and applause ]
"This man just stole my Applebee's gift card.
This is the worst birthday." My name is Preacher Lawson.
Thank you so much. I love you. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's how you do it.
That's how you do it, right there.
Preacher Lawson!
[ Cheers and applause ]
"My Name Is Preacher" is streaming now on YouTube.
We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen.