-Hey, Live On Purpose family. Doing something a little different today as
Jonathan Decker has joined me from Mended Light. That's an awesome
channel right here on YouTube. And if you're wondering what the context is,
part one of this video is on Jonathan's channel. So head on over to Mended Light to get part one.
We're going to pick up our conversation as we have a little discussion about a
video that came out here at Live On Purpose TV several months ago. Eight harsh truths
you need to accept to live a happy life. Jonathan picked up on that and wanted to
do a little watch party with me and we're reacting to that video.
So welcome Jonathan to Live On Purpose TV. -Thank you. And I'm
grateful that you're humoring me in watching your own video with me.
Cause I have so much to talk about and so many thoughts based on what you're saying
here. So we got halfway through the eight harsh truths you need to accept to live a happy life
snd we're going to pick up. Here we go. -You know, I realize as I'm sharing these
eight harsh truths with you that I spend all of my time training people how to
operate the equipment of their own mind. There's a model that I share with all of
my clients that helps them to get on top of what I'm sharing with you here today.
Go grab your copy of this model and a brief description. I'll include that
on a free PDF for you. Go to the URL on the screen drpauljenkins.com/themodel. I'll put
this in your inbox and then it's going to make a little bit more sense to you. Let's get back
to those truths. Harsh truth number five, there is no perfect time to do anything.
Sometimes we get it in our head that there will be, right? And we're waiting
for the perfect time. Well, how do we even know when that's here? In my experience,
the things that create upgrades or improvements to our life are unprecedented to us. Meaning,
we haven't experienced it yet. So we don't feel comfortable with it.
We're not used to it. We get to move forward just before we feel fully ready. Because I'm
not sure if we ever really do feel ready. There's no perfect time to
do anything. Just take courageous action and move forward. -You know, that reminds me of,
there's a phrase, "You'll always have a reason not to do something", right?
And a lot of times that's, well, I'm not ready. And people say, am I ready to have kids? Am I
ready to get married? And I always say, no, you're not. But nobody ever fully is. That's
why it's a growth experience. I definitely think there's value in preparation for sure.
But then at a certain point, you're not going to grow into it unless you start doing it.
-Just ask yourself, how will I know that I'm ready? And your feelings
will be misleading about that because of what I just said in the video. It's
unprecedented for you. So you don't have a track record with this thing yet. You
can't really feel ready fully. There's a, there's a point where you just jump in
with the level of preparation that you have and self taught can help. I'm also
a big fan of starting just before you feel ready.
-That little bit of fear, if it's not paralyzing, it propels. Right. So that's good. I love it.
-That's a good point. Yeah. That leads me into harsh truth number six, fear will keep you from
living. I remember interviewing an undertaker on my podcast who said this on my mic. He said, you
know, death is more universal than life because everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives.
How tragic and why do we not? Because of fear. What is it that keeps you from doing
the things that you've been promising yourself to do or that you think you
would like to do? Well, usually it's some level of fear. Fear keeps us from
living. And it's not that you can't do the feared thing, it's that you won't.
Because your brain will prevent you from doing it. Our brains are set up to keep us safe and to prove
us right. Those are the two basic jobs that our brain has. And if it detects any kind of threat,
something that you're not used to, for example, can look like a threat.
Your brain is going to kick in and try to protect you from that and keep you from doing it.
That fear gets in our way and is the number one barrier to success and happiness. Jonathan,
I loved your reaction as we were watching that. Because every time I share this with mental
health professionals or coaches or people who are kind of in the industry, they, they get it
immediately. Because, you know, keeping us safe, that's pretty obvious, but then proving us right!
And both of those things get us into trouble all the time. So I appreciated your reaction. -Thank
you. Well, and to that end, I often think that if, once you feel like you've got it all figured out,
you stop learning. Right? And so on the one hand, our brain likes to have things
figured out, so it can process faste. So there's not so many things to attend to.
But that can be a double edged sword when we stop being curious. Or, similarly,
fear is something that keeps us safe, and says slow down and think this through and
assess this and how are you going to do this safely. But fear can also paralyze
us and immobilize us. And so what it comes down to is, are you the master of your fear
or is it mastering you? -Right. Truth number seven, your expectations are what
cause disappointment. Are you feeling any disappointment anywhere in your life? It's
because whatever is happening is not meeting your expectations. Well, which part can you change?
It's a lot easier to change an expectation than it is to change the world around you.
I remember one of my friends putting it this way. He's a therapist for years and came up with,
hey, you can change your view or you can change your do. He called it view do and
that's kind of cutesy but it really gets back to what we have control over and our
expectations are one of those things. It's your expectations that cause your disappointment.
-You know, Dr. Paul, that makes me think when we get married to outcomes. When we're hoping against
hope for a specific outcome when we're working for a specific outcome, and it doesn't happen it
can be crushing It could be devastated. But what happens if instead of marrying our happiness to
outcomes? We marry our happiness to effort or to growth or the things that we can control, right?
I think that is powerful. We can still hope for specific outcomes. But as
long as we're we've gotten our head. If X Y or Z doesn't happen the way I
want it to then I can't be happy I'll be devastated. Then we're not going to find
the way to push through and to grow and to thrive no matter what. -Right.
And this kind of ties into the one we were discussing before
about how there's no perfect time to do anything. We get it in our head and it's
kind of a trap that I'll be happy when? Or once I've accomplished or upon completion of,
or whatever, then, then I'll be good, right? And that's, that's such a trap.
So understanding this truth helps you to approach that differently. You can change
your expectations. You can change your view and your do. -Yeah, I love it. Let's do the last one.
-Now I've got one more for you here today. A harsh truth that you have to accept if you're going to
actually live a happy life and that is you will live the life that you create for yourself.
This is a bit of a harsh reality for some people because sometimes you look
around your life and you think this isn't where I wanted to be. This is
not what I had in mind. This is not the life that I love. Well,
it is in fact the life that you have created for yourself. I'm not saying that you are to blame.
In fact, I think blame is a victim mentality that gets us stuck in unhealthy places. What
I'm saying is that you've got the power to create and live the life that you love or
the life that you hate. Either way, it's your own creation. That's why
it's so important to really tune in to the ways that we can create that life.
-Going back to Viktor Frankl, I think of, there are circumstances, right, that we don't control.
When you say that you, you are living the life that you create, one could say, well,
he didn't create the Holocaust. He didn't create the concentration camp situation,
and that is absolutely true. But what he did create, or have a hand in, have a hand
in creating, was the camaraderie, the family, the community, the sense of belonging, and...
If not physical safety, emotional safety, and spiritual safety,
that is something that was created. The sense of hope, the sense of strength, the sense of,
I'm not going to become this dark, vicious thing because I'm surrounded by darkness
and viciousness. So in that sense, he was living the life that he created.
And it's crucial to think about that, with the point that you just made, not everybody,
we're all dealt different hands. And that we don't control, but we do control how we
play them. -That is beautifully said. And you pointed out something really important here,
Jonathan, because we don't always get to choose our circumstances.
It's kind of like the context that we have in which we do create the life that we're
living. And Viktor Frankl is really excellent example of that. When you mentioned hope,
you know, hope is available on demand when you learn how to
operate the equipment of your own mind. And that's regardless of circumstance.
And that's why that's such a compelling example. Because in a concentration camp,
I mean, what are you dealing with that's even close to that? -Yeah. Right. Yeah.
Nothing. And yet Viktor Frankl talks about, I got nothing. And I read,
I read that book actually again this year and I was struck by it. The compassion with
which he approached the suffering of others in his practice that if there is anybody who could say,
hey, your suffering is not that big of a deal and get it, get some perspective.
It's him. But he said no suffering is suffering and he approached people with compassion. -Right.
Which opens up a very compelling idea for all of us. -Yeah. -That regardless of our circumstances,
we are still, this is one of the truths. We are still free to choose certain things
and what happens to us or around us is not one of those things.
We don't control that. But we have a profound ability to create the life that we are living now,
and we have in fact created it. In fact, I shared an example sometimes in my training of,
you know, when you're out driving and you get lost in your thoughts and you
go right past your exit, and hopefully I'm not the only one who does this.
But I did this once on my way to see a client in Southern Utah. I'm going down
to visit this client and I knew I had missed my exit. When I saw the big colorful sign,
Arizona welcomes you. -Oh no. -Crap. Right. I'm not even in the right state and to drive
home this idea, you know, I look down and guess whose hands I see on my steering wheel?
Big surprise, they're mine. Yeah, right. I saw a sign once that said,
if Jesus is your co pilot, maybe you want to trade seats.
But anyway, I look down, I see my own hands, look, I am where I am because I drove here.
and it's not a blame thing. It's not a fault thing. It's a responsibility
thing. Because it bites a little to realize, oh, my hands are on the wheel,
but the bad news is also the good news. Cause if my hands are on the wheel, what can I do?
I can turn it, steer it, take it somewhere. Yeah. And,
and a victim mentality, you can't do that because you're too busy blaming. So that's
the whole point of this last truth that we discussed. -Too busy blaming and waiting for
somebody else to fix it because you assume it's their fault and their responsibility.
And no, I got to take the wheel of my life. -Well, how soon do you think your enemy or the
person that you're blaming is going to step up and fix things for you? -They wont. -I spent 13 years
of my career doing child custody evaluations for the court. You know bitter angry divorcing people
can't figure out how to share their kids Well, how soon is the axe gonna make everything okay for me?
You see, that's the trap. So understanding that we create our life and stop blaming
everybody else. Anyway, you can tell I get passionate about this. -No,
so do I. We're right there on the same page. And it's been such a delight to
be on your show. Thank you so much for having me. -Jonathan, it's been fun to have you here.
Everybody remember part one of this video is on Jonathan's channel,
Mended Light. So go on over to Mended Light. If you haven't seen the first part of this,
go see it on Jonathan's channel. We'll put a link in the description so you can get right there.
Jonathan Decker and, and his wife, Alicia doing some great things over there at Mended Light.
So please go give them some love. Click that subscribe button and hit the notification
bell. So you don't miss any of that great content coming out of Mended Light. Thanks
for joining me here today, Jonathan. =Thank you. It's an honor. We'll talk to you later.