WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY FRIDAY, MY FRIENDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OR IS IT?
( LAUGHTER )
I'M ACTUALLY TAPING THIS ON THURSDAY FOR SCHEDULING
REASONS.
I PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED MYSELF TO BE BALLS DEEP IN AN OLD
FASHIONED.
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO COME CLEAN BECAUSE OF
THE BOND OF TRUST WE HAVE DEVELOPED OVER THE YEARS AS
VIEWER AND TALK SHOW HOST.
I DON'T LIE TO YOU.
MY COMMERCIALS DON'T LIE TO YOU.
CHARMIN: YOU WILL ENJOY THE GO
I MEAN, IT MIGHT BECOME A PROBLEM.
BUT FRIDAY, THE DAY YOU'RE IN, WAS THE SECOND DAY OF LIVE
TELEVISED IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS.
AND I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET, BUT I CAN PREDICT WHAT HAPPENED IN
TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> I AM AFRAID FOR MY LIFE!
>> Stephen: TODAY'S STAR WITNESS WAS FORMER AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE
AND ONLY LADY RESERVOIR DOG, MARIE YOVANOVITCH.
NOW, NORMALLY I WOULD SHOW YOU FOOTAGE OF HER TESTIMONY, BUT
AGAIN, THAT'S NOT UNTIL TOMORROW.
SO INSTEAD, I SHALL PERFORM A "LATE SHOW" IMPEACHMENT
PRE-ENACTMENT.
HERE WE GO.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
OKAY.
( CLEARS THROAT )
"RUDY GIULIANI WAS RUNNING A SECRET FOREIGN POLICY TO HELP
THE PRESIDENT'S ELECTION CAMPAIGN.
DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, CONGRESSMAN JORDAN?"
( LAUGHTER )
MY QUESTION WAS PLEASE DON'T GOOGLE MY NAME AND 'OHIO STATE
WRESTLING SCANDAL.' I CEDE MY TIME TO DEVIN NUNES."
"MOOOOOO.
MOOOOOOOO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M PARAPHRASING, OBVIOUSLY.
THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY IS ALL ANYONE CAN TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW,
BUT THERE'S A SMALLER STORY THAT MIGHT HAVE SLIPPED THROUGH THE
CRACKS, THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY
STYLE."
>> YANG GANG!
>> Stephen: IT'S A TIGHT RACE AT THE TOP OF THE DEMOCRATIC
PRIMARY, AND A NEW LEADER HAS EMERGED, BECAUSE A RECENT POLL
SHOWS THAT MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG IS FIRST IN IOWA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.
AND THERE'S A SURPRISING VOTING DEMO GIVING BUTTIGIEG ALL THAT
BUTTI-MENTUM: VOTERS AGE 65 AND OLDER.
( OLD PERSON )
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE CAN'T FIND A NICE GAL TO SETTLE DOWN WITH.
MAYBE THAT FRIEND HAS A NICE SISTER OR SOMETHING."
OLD PEOPLE DON'T KNOW.
IN FACT, WHEN IT COMES TO THE OLDSTERS, BUTTIGIEG POLLS
"SECOND ONLY TO JOE BIDEN."
THOUGH, BOTH ARE STILL POLLING FAR BEHIND APRICOT COMPOTE AND
THE MACHINE THAT STILL PLAYS MY OPERA TAPES.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BERNIE SANDERS CAMPAIGN.
AFTER HIS RECENT HEART ATTACK, BERNIE IS CHANGING HIS WHOLE
LIFESTYLE.
ACCORDING TO HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER, "I'VE NOTICED HIM
ORDERING A HECK OF A LOT MORE SALADS."
( AS BERNIE )
ORDER SALADS, BY WHICH I MEAN A PICKLE ON MY CORNED BEEF."
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THAT ACTUALLY HURTS.
THAT ACTUALLY HURTS TO DO.
( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S GETTING A MAKEOVER, BECAUSE THE USUALLY-RUMPLED
SENATOR HAS BEEN "WEARING MORE STYLISH SWEATERS."
( AS BERNIE )
AT VERY OLD NAVY AND FOREVER 81!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THERE'S ALSO-- ♪ ♪ ♪
THERE'S ALSO NEWS FROM THE CAMPAIGN OF FORMER MARYLAND
REPRESENTATIVE JOHN DELANEY, SEEN HERE BRINGING MORE
TRANSPARENCY TO HIS NIPPLES.
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S HUGE!
HE LOOKS HUGE.
I HAD NO IDEA.
YEAH, HE'S BEEN BENCHING IS WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING.
DELANEY'S CONSISTENTLY POLLING AT LESS THAN 1%, BUT HE'S HOPING
TO TURN THAT ALL AROUND BY AIRING 30-MINUTE TV
INFOMERCIALS.
PERFECT CHOICE, BECAUSE WHEN I HEAR JOHN DELANEY'S IDEAS, I
THINK, THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY!
THE AD-- IMAGINE THAT I WAS DROPPING CUPS.
THE AD WILL RUN ON THIS SUNDAY?
SUNDAY.
BUT HIS CAMPAIGN ALREADY RELEASED IT ON YOUTUBE.
I'M GOING TO PLAY THE ACTUAL BEGINNING OF THE AD FOR YOU, AND
NOTICE THE EXCITEMENT JOHN DELANEY EXUDES ABOUT HIS OWN
CAMPAIGN.
>> I'M JOHN DELANEY, AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WOW.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: OH, MAN!
>> Stephen: THAT'S HOW HE FEELS ABOUT JOHN DELANEY?
HE IS THE MOST RELATABLE CANDIDATE!