- Hi, everyone. Welcome back to my channel.
I'm Hannah, and here, we like to talk about all things,
sex and relationships.
And this video is going to be a bit more of a serious topic.
Today, we're gonna be talking about consent,
sexual violence and a little bit about BDSM.
Nowadays, more kinky acts like choking,
spanking, hair pulling and roughness are seen by some
as a standard part of sex.
They found their way into our ideas and scripts
about what sex should look like.
When mutually consensual and taking physical
and emotional safety precautions,
this can be a really positive way
to explore sex, pleasure and kink.
However, there's sometimes this pressure
to go along with these things to be seen as up for anything
or risk being seen as prudish.
And then there's sometimes the assumption that your partner
will just be into it because isn't everybody into it.
And so therefore, you don't have to ask,
you can just do it, right?
Which very much isn't how consent works.
I want to talk about the normalisation of rough sex
and the difference between consensual, rough sex
and sexual violence.
And I want to shout out Rachel Thompson's book,
"Rough: How Violence has Found its Way Into the Bedroom
and What We Can Do About It,"
which is a really important read and a major inspiration
for this video.
This video is going to discuss sexual assault,
sexual violence, and murder,
so please do take care of yourself,
and if you need to skip this one, that is all good,
and I'll see in the next video.
Before we start, let's do a quick note about BDSM
because I definitely do not want to be saying
that BDSM is the same thing as sexual violence.
What is BDSM?
BDSM stands for bondage and discipline,
dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism.
It's the practise of engaging in intimate and sexual acts
involving power dynamics, role play,
and intense physical and psychological sensations.
BDSM is not the same as sexual violence.
Because while it can involve impact play, choking,
humiliation, and other acts that may look violent
and non-consensual, the bedrock of BDSM is explicit consent.
Whereas sexual violence is non-consensual.
The structures of BDSM involve negotiation,
where you talk about what you want to do together,
what you want to get out of it, how you want to feel,
what any limits are and what your safe words are.
And aftercare, where you spend time and attention
on your partners after engaging in intense kink experiences.
People who practise BDSM follow different safety frameworks,
including RACK, which stands for risk-aware,
consensual kink.
And PRICK, which stands for personal responsibility,
informed, consensual kink.
It's these things that differentiate BDSM
from abuse or sexual violence.
And it's important to note that BDSM is very different
to what I'm going to be talking about in this video
when I'm talking about sexual violence.
The Normalisation of Rough Sex.
Rough sex is defined as aggressive behaviours
being incorporated into sexual acts.
BISH, a sex education site for young people,
says that when researchers are referring to rough sex,
they're talking about things like slapping,
gripping, biting, choking, hair pulling, and gagging.
You might hear someone say, "I like it rough,"
but without talking to them, you don't know which acts
from the rough sex menu they're into.
Now, you may have heard of "50 Shades of Grey"
the first book in a series of erotic romances
that have also been made into films.
Many sexuality experts, including Rachel Thompson,
say that it has played a key role in popularising BDSM,
really helping to mainstream conversations
around kink and rough sex.
It's definitely not happening in a vacuum though.
Lots of mainstream and tube site porn
also perpetuates this idea that kink and rough sex
are normal parts of sex.
With acts like face fucking, slapping and spitting
being shown without any understanding that these are things
that you should probably talk to your partner about before
and get consent for.
And when it comes to the depictions of BDSM
in the mainstream media, we rarely see the communication
and negotiation, let alone the aftercare
that would actually be part of a BDSM scene.
These depictions that we've seen of BDSM in recent years,
along with the stigma around talking about BDSM
and the lack of consent education
means that people don't understand how to engage
in these acts in a risk-aware and consensual way.
We also have a lot of conversations
about spicing up your sex life,
which is often used as shorthand for bringing BDSM
into the bedroom.
This is overly simplistic and often unhelpful sex advice,
which one, doesn't address why people may feel the need
to spice up their sex lives in the first place.
Two, it assumes that rougher or kinkier sex
is the answer to all of your sexual problems.
And three, often advocates for rougher or kinkier sex
without going into the necessary consent
or safety education.
This mainstreaming of BDSM means that sex acts
like slapping, spitting, choking, and gagging are becoming
a more normalised part of sex to the point
where some people might feel
that there's something wrong with them
if they're not into rough sex.
Needing to be Up For It.
The normalisation of rough sex and kink acts
as a standard part of sex means
that people may find themselves in situations
where they feel like they can't say they're into it
for fear of being labelled prudish or sex-negative.
Sometimes sex-positive messages can get twisted
and put pressure on people to feel like they need
to be having all of the kinky sex with all of the people
all of the time.
Sex-positivity should be about people having the sex
that they want, whatever that looks like,
whether it's a lot or none at all.
But the language of sex-positivity
can sometimes make people feel shame for not being up for it
or feeling like they'd be judged if they say no.
And this happens on both sides,
whether you are the person who tops
or the person who bottoms.
The same pressure and expectation that you'll be up for it
applies to the person potentially receiving a spanking
and the person potentially giving a spanking.
Kink shaming is very common,
and BDSM is still heavily stigmatised.
But vanilla shaming also happens where people are judged
for not being exciting enough in bed.
You know what's not there if people are feeling pressured
to say yes to sex acts they're not into?
That's right, consent.
It's Not Consent If You Don't Feel Like You Can Say No.
It's really important to remember that giving consent
to one sex act doesn't mean that you've given consent
to all sex acts.
Having penis and vagina or PIV sex with someone doesn't mean
that you've consented to having anal sex with them,
or even that you're always going to be up for PIV sex
with that partner.
And this definitely applies to rough sex
where you can consent to somebody spanking you,
but that doesn't mean that you've consented
for them to choke you or to spank you
every time you have sex.
The problem with the normalisation of rough sex
is that there's this assumption
that your partner will be into it and okay with it,
even if you haven't discussed it explicitly.
And it's really important to remember
that you can withdraw consent at any time.
If you're not enjoying something,
you can ask your partner to stop,
and your partner should absolutely respect that.
And if they don't, they are not somebody
that you want to be having sex with.
Someone not listening to your no
is a consent violation and a crime.
Unfortunately, the reality is a lot of people feel like
they can't say no before or during sex.
And there's a couple of reasons for this.
Firstly, the power dynamics of the situation,
whether that's a discrepancy in age, gender, race,
or money, et cetera.
If you feel like your partner can physically overpower you
or will break up with you
if you don't do this thing with them,
or if you're financially dependent on them,
then you might not be in a situation
where you can freely say no.
Secondly, socially, we are just not encouraged
to say no to things, and that goes for outside
of sexual situations too.
How many times have you come up with an excuse
instead of just directly saying,
"No, I don't want to go to that party,"
or eaten that cookie that your friend offered
even though you're not hungry?
we don't really have any experience of saying no
and clearly stating our boundaries,
and it can be really difficult; it takes practise.
And when it comes to rough sex,
if you're already physically being choked or gagged,
you literally might not be able to say no.
In BDSM, this is why you would set up a safe signal,
such as snapping your fingers or tapping out.
When it comes to rough sex that hasn't been negotiated
or necessarily consented to, there isn't a system in place
to say or signal no.
And if you don't feel safe to say no,
there isn't an environment of consent.
The absence of a no is definitely not a yes.
I've previously talked in an episode of Pleasure Trove
about the rough sex defence to murder,
which is a defence that allows perpetrators
to potentially avoid justice by claiming
that their victim consented to rough sex
which led to their death.
The clause of the domestic abuse bill banning this defence
is now in effect in England and Wales.
The campaign group, We Can't Consent to This,
has done some really important work around this.
Collecting evidence that men arguing
that their partners consented to rough sex
so they intended to cause some harm, but not to kill them,
ended up getting lesser charges of manslaughter,
lighter sentences or their partner's death
not being investigated at all.
And again, this is not BDSM,
because BDSM is founded on consent,
and someone cannot consent to being killed,
even if they do consent to rough sex.
It's really important that we push
for better education on consent so people can understand
what consent looks like and when people maybe can't consent.
So if rough sex without consent is sexual violence,
what does it look like with consent?
Communication, Negotiation and Aftercare.
I am definitely here for people exploring their desires
and trying new things in the bedroom,
but these things definitely have to be done with consent.
So even if you don't think of yourself as kinky
and you're exploring things like anal play,
rather than rough sex, you can still definitely use
structures of BDSM to communicate with your partner.
Using the frameworks of BDSM means that your explorations
will be rooted in explicit consent.
With you and your partner trying things
that you're both interested in
and making sure you're thinking about the risks
and taking time to care for each other,
I'm going to talk about to two different tools you can use
for negotiation and communication.
The first is a yes, no, maybe list.
This is where you take a big list of sex and kink acts,
language you might want to use,
emotions you might want to feel, and separately,
you go through the list and separate it
into yes, I'm into it,
maybe under certain specific circumstances,
and no, not into it, do not ask.
You then come together and compare lists
and focus on the yeses you have in common
to work out what you want to explore and play with together.
Another one I found that I really like
is using the acronym SIMMER to structure your negotiation.
SIMMER stands for sex, intensity, meta-communication,
motivation, end, and risk assessment.
It's a framework for negotiating a scene
that guides you through asking different questions, such as:
Are there parts of your body
that you love having touched?
What can I expect to see if you're enjoying yourself?
Are there any triggers I need to know to avoid?
I love getting nerdy about communication.
There's also aftercare at the end of the scene
where kinksters make sure everyone feels safe, cared for,
and to check in with each other
after they've engaged in kink or sex.
So maybe that looks like cuddling for a while,
talking about what you've just done,
or going to grab some food.
These things differentiate BDSM from sexual violence,
and we could all benefit from bringing these kink tools
into our sex lives.
I want to finish this video by getting on my soapbox
for a minute.
Because I don't want to live in a world
where people do things during sex
because the messages that they're receiving are telling them
that one, it's something that they should be into
and should want to do in order to have good sex.
And two, that they can assume that the other person
is going to be into it.
The world I want to live in lets people explore
their sexualities at their own pace and the doesn't shame
or judge anyone for their sexual interests or disinterests.
I want us to normalise being curious about our own desires
and others, and talking about them.
Does every video I make about sex
come back to communication?
I think it does, but that's because it is so important.
Yes, it's really hard, but that's also why
it's important to practise.
We have to talk about this because with the normalisation
of rough sex without education,
people frequently don't realise that they can say no to it
if they don't want it.
Or people assume that they have their partners consent
when they don't have it.
I'm going to leave some links in the description
to resources for people who have experienced sexual violence
and also some links to some beginner BDSM resources
for those of you who might be curious about kink.
Thank you for watching.
This was a bit of a heavier video topic today.
I hope that you're doing well,
and I'll see you in my next video, bye.
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