Transcriber: Jaqueline Beiram Reviewer: Denise RQ
When was the last time you asked for consent?
And I'm referring the sexual consent.
Was it last year, maybe a couple of weeks ago, or maybe last night?
Perhaps a couple of hours before this event?
Consent is a voluntary and conscious agreement
to engage in any physical or sexual interaction.
And that can be but not limited to:
kissing someone, touching someone,
cuddling, hugging, intercourse, even flirting.
Yes, flirting has to be consensual
whether it's through an online dating app or face to face.
For the last four and half years of my professional career,
I've spent talking to every audience type you can imagine
about consent, healthy relationships, and about sexual violence.
Why is this important?
Why do I talk about consent for a living?
Because in New Mexico one in four women, and one in 20 men will experience
an attempted or completed sexual assault in their lifetime.
There are survivors in this audience tonight,
and it is likely you already know someone
directly or indirectly affected by this.
I once gave a presentation
to a group of young women between the age of 16 and 22.
We talked about consent, and we went through the four key components:
it has to be active, it has to be coherent,
it has to be willing, and it has to be ongoing.
And afterwards, one of those young ladies raises her hand and she says,
"Bianca, all of that sounds really great, but it's not going to happen."
I looked at her and I said, "What do you mean?"
And she replied, "Well, I have never been taught to ask for consent.
And I have never been taught to expect consent.
It is just not going to happen for me."
And for a brief moment, I felt defeated.
Not by her, but by the layers and layers of generational violence
that had consumed and affected this particular group of young women.
And the lack of education around consent that was denied and never given to them.
We eat, we sleep, we bathe, and we have sex.
Yes, we have sex.
So why not make consent feel as natural as all the other things
we are doing in our daily lives?
Consent is not the absence of a no but rather the presence of a yes.
Consent is not a courtesy, it's a necessity.
And consent is the line between sex and rape.
And it can never be assumed.
If someone takes you to dinner, and a TED event,
all you owe them at the end of the night is a thank you.
What's awesome--
(Applause)
Thank you.
What's awesome about consent is it's a contemporary conversation.
Unlike our cellphones, consent is never going to go out of style.
And it's for everyone.
Regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, or socio-economic background.
It's an intergenerational conversation.
You can introduce consent to a one year old or an 85 year old.
My Welsh grandmother, she used to call a butt a "bumby".
I don't know about you all, but I think we could use more bathtime songs
called "Can I wash your bumby?"
to teach kids about body autonomy
- good touch, bad touch -
and that they too have power over those little bodies.
And let's be honest: we all know plenty of adults and senior citizens
who could use a refresher in consent
and reminded how consent should and should never be gained.
Consent should never be gained through coercion
which is tricking, manipulating
or forcing someone into a physical or sexual act.
In fact, marital rape exists.
It didn't become illegal to rape your spouse until the early 1990s.
Often times, women and girls are told,
"If you like sex, you're easy," "You are promiscuous,"
or a whole laundry list of offensive words.
They are taught, "If you deny sex, you're a prude."
"And if you ask for sex, you are a slut."
It's a trap.
If we don't teach girls and women to assert themselves, set boundaries,
or that it's perfectly normal and natural
to want sex to be safe, and feel enjoyable, and be respected,
then we are contributing to a rape culture,
which is a culture that constructs and enforces these rigid gender rules,
and sees the persistence of rape as "Just the way things are."
So join me in teaching men and boys that women can deny sex
- and so can they -
and lessen the blaming and shaming
and this crazy notion that somebody asks for it,
or deserves to be raped,
because of their behaviors or lifestyle choices.
Consent revolutions can begin today
starting in our homes, amongst our family and friends,
in our offices, even in the communities we live in.
We are already living in a culture of consent,
but we've got a lot of ground to cover,
we're up against institutionalized oppression,
so we have to teach current and upcoming generations about consent.
This fall, thousands of young people are going to head off to colleges
and universities for the very first time.
They are going to worry about getting to that first semester,
what their roommate or living situation will be like.
If they packed enough ramen noodles.
But what they should never worry about is being sexually assaulted.
One in four women and one in 16 men will experience
an attempted or completed sexual assault during college.
Parents: don't shy away
from having a conversation with them about acquaintance and date rape
and emphasizing that no one can gain consent if someone is drunk,
incapacitated, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Consent should never be seen as awkward, or a mood killer.
If anything, it can enhance that physical or sexual interaction.
The secret to good sex is consent.
Cosmopolitan magazine should feature
25 hot and sexy ways to ask for consent.
(Applause)
Thank you.
Instead of 25 ways to pleasure your man for the hundredth time.
And Robin Thicke should change his song "Blurred Lines" to "Clear Lines"
and sing about consent, not coercion.
(Applause)
Sex books, tips, and toys, those are great,
but consent is the foundation,
it's the catalyst to happy and healthy sexual lifestyles.
When you are asking for consent,
you are not just ensuring that you're not violating this person,
you are saying,
"Hey, tonight, I want to make you feel
like Meg Ryan in 'Harry Met Sally'
in that iconic restaurant scene when she is acting out that orgasm."
And if you don't want to set the bar that high - because I understand -
you can just say, "Hey, tonight,
I want the both of us to feel respected,
comfortable, safe, and have some fun."
(Applause)