( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT OVER THERE.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NOW, FOLKS, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU, AS A LATE NIGHT HOST I
WIELD TREMENDOUS POWER.
ALMOST AS MUCH AS HISTORY'S MOST RUTHLESS TYRANTS, LIKE GENGHIS
KHAN, VLADIMIR PUTIN, AND ADELE.
WE HAVE BUT ONE THING IN COMMON: WE ALL HAVE GRAMMYS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WE ALL WEAR A BIG FURRY HAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW THAT THIS HAT IS UPON MINE
HEAD, ALL PROCLAMATIONS I MAKE ARE NOW AND FOREVER LAW.
LET US BEGIN.
FROM NOW ON, IF I CLICK "FORGOT MY PASSWORD," THE WEBSITE WILL
JUST TELL ME WHAT MY DAMN PASSWORD IS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S ME.
I PROMISE.
HENCEFORTH, DAYLIGHT SAVING HAPPENS EVERY TIME I WANT AN
EXTRA HOUR OF SLEEP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHICH IS EVERY DAY.
IF I HAVE TO TAKE OFF MY SHOES WHEN I ENTER YOUR HOUSE, THEN I
GET TO PICK WHAT YOU TO TAKE OFF WHEN YOU ENTER MINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FROM THIS MOMENT ON, IF AMAZON'S ALEXA IS ALWAYS
LISTENING TO ME, THEN SHE MUST START LAUGHING AT MY JOKES.
( LAUGHTER ) I DECREE THAT PEOPLE NAMED GREG
AND PEOPLE NAMED CRAIG MUST ENGAGE IN MORTAL COMBAT TO
DETERMINE WHICH NAME SURVIVES.
BECAUSE WE DON'T NEED BOTH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FROM NOW ON, ALL SCHOOLCHILDREN MUST NOT ONLY REMM-- I DID NOT
MAKE A MISTAKE.
THE HAT HAS SPOKEN.
I WILL NOT SAY THAT ONE NOW!
NO, I WILL NOT SAY THAT ONE NOW.
OKAY, I'LL SAY IT.
I FORGIVE YOU.
FROM NOW ON, ALL SCHOOL CHILDREN MUST NOT ONLY RECITE
"THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE," BUT ALSO ALEC BALDWIN'S "PUT THAT
COFFEE DOWN" SPEECH FROM "GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW AND FOREVER MORE, IT IS NOT PRONOUNCED "SHERBERT" OR
"SHER-BET."
IT IS PRONOUNCED "BAD ICE CREAM."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I HEREBY DECLARE THAT THEME WEDDINGS ARE BANNED THROUGHOUT
THE LAND.
I REFUSE TO FLY HALFWAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO WATCH THE FLASH
MARRY A PREGNANT CATWOMAN.
( APPLAUSE ) THIS SUMMER'S SEXIEST LOOK IS
ARMPIT SWEAT STAINS.
UNTIL THE FALL, WHEN THE SEXIEST LOOK WILL BE FLAKY SKIN FROM
INDOOR HEATING.
( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE WHO SAY SOMETHING IS
"AMAZEBALLS" SHALL GET KICKED IN THE "AMAZEBALLS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND LET IT BE KNOWN, ANYONE WHO PREVIOUSLY DESCRIBED THEMSELVES
AS "ALT RIGHT" WILL NOW BE KNOWN SIMPLY AS "WRONG."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE HAT HAS SPOKEN!
NO!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ICE CUBE.
COME BACK TO ME, HAT!
COME BACK!