No. We can't start a video like that. Do you think it's possible for heterosexual men and
women to truly ever be just friends?
Ooh, good question.
Today, we are tackling this question that has often been the subject of a lot of cheesy
rom-coms.
Oh yeah. And people feel pretty strongly about this topic too. There's some people that believe
that men and women just simply cannot be friends without there being some sort of sexual attraction.
And then there's other people who think that this is a ridiculous idea and we shouldn't
sacrifice friendships just for the sake of a relationship.
Personally, we think that having a friend of a different sex is a perfectly normal and
very beautiful thing, but that being said, it can get a little bit tricky when there's
a serious romantic relationship at play. So we've definitely heard stories about one or
both best friends who are secretly in love with each other, romantic partners who got
really jealous or controlling, and lots of awkward three's a crowd type of situations.
So because of that, we think that it can be a good idea to just have some conversations
about this. Maybe set some boundaries and expectations around your friendship.
I feel like that's always our first piece of advice is talk about it.
Talk about it. Not a shocker there. But today we're going to walk you through how to talk
about it, how to set up any boundaries, if necessary. And make sure that you're approaching
this in a really clear and healthy way.
So, first of all, if your brand new here, then hello, we are Vanessa and Xander Marin.
Vanessa here is a sex therapist and we've been together for 13 years.
And our channel is all about giving you the tools, tips, and techniques that you need
to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So if you're
into that, just go ahead and hit that subscribe button.
Oh yeah.
Before we go any further, we just want to take a second to acknowledge that this is
a very heteronormative video. So we're specifically talking about heterosexual people and the
dynamics around attraction between men and women. We've also used the words opposite
sex in the title and the keywords of our video because that's what people are searching for.
But we want to be clear that we don't like that word opposite because we think it implies
that there are only two different genders, which there aren't. So just a couple of little
disclaimers right up top here.
All right. So like Vanessa said, we are really on team friendship over here. We just think
there's so much value to having a friend and especially a best friend who is another sex
from you. Not saying you have to go out and get a best friend of another sex, but if you
have-
From the best friend store.
Yeah, from the best friend. But if you have one, that's a great thing. So because at the
super basic level, just having friends who are different from you in any way is a super
valuable thing. Whether that is gender, whether that is an ethnicity, whether that is socioeconomic
background, political ideas, all kinds of things, this can be really valuable. It just,
they can bring a different life experience to the table then you do and offer up a different
way for you to see things.
And aside from that, there are also plenty of other reasons why people might enjoy different
sex relationships. So a lot of women will say that they find it easier to be friends
with men because there's not that sense of competition or judgment. When I was in high
school, the vast majority of my friends were male because high school girls can be a little
tough.
Hopefully none of your high school girlfriends are listening.
So I just felt more comfortable being around guys. And I think a lot of guys have specific
reasons why they like being friends with women. A lot of men will say, they feel like they
can be more emotionally intimate, more authentic and honest. There's not that like weird alpha
male energy or trying to assert your dominance over each other. So there may be ways that
being friends with somebody of a different sex than you are just makes you feel like
you can relax and be more of yourself.
Yeah. So before we go any further, we're curious to see how you feel about different sex friendships.
So do you think it's possible to keep the relationship platonic? So give us a Y down
in the comments, if you agree and give us an N in the comments, if you don't think it
is possible to stay platonic.
Yeah. Like we said, people have some pretty strong opinions one way or the other here.
Yeah. So while we definitely believe that these kinds of friendships can work when you
are in a serious relationship with somebody else, but we do recommend setting up some
boundaries so that this will just help all the parties involved feel safe and respected.
So let's talk about how to do just that.
Oh yeah.
So the first thing is to make sure that your partner and their friend are on the same page
about the strictly platonic nature of their friendship. So emphasis on the friend there.
So sometimes friendships can be a little flirty. Sometimes they can cross the line a little
bit, especially if both friends are single at that point in time.
Yeah. Or maybe there was a history in the past or something.
Yeah. So you just want to make sure that your partner and their friend are on the same page
about the fact that at this point at least, that they are just going to be a friend. So
there shouldn't be any expectation, or belief, or hope that the relationship is going to
blossom into something more, that it's not going to be just a friendship at a certain
point of time. And so this could be the two of them having a conversation and it could
be something like, I know that in the past we've gotten drunk together and made out on
occasion. But now that I'm in a relationship, now that I'm with my partner, that's not something
I'm going to engage in anymore. I just want to make sure that we're being clear about
that. Or we both know what's going on. So, if you, as the partner, have any sort
of fears or suspicions, you can bring them up with your partner, but you want to be careful.
You don't want to go in hot accusing your partner of having this inappropriate relationship
or.
Yeah. Don't be overly paranoid.
Yeah. Sharing all these anxieties. And let your partner respond and then just drop it.
You don't want to keep harping on it. And really looking for things that aren't there.
All right. So number two is, decide your comfort level for different activities. There is no
right answer here. This is a conversation and feeling into how you feel about stuff
and what kind of boundaries you feel like are appropriate to set. So one thing is, does
the idea of your partner partying late at night with their other sex friend, make you
feel nervous? Something to feel into. Maybe something to set a boundary about or have
a discussion about. Does the idea of them spending time alone at one of their apartments
or having sleepovers make you feel uncomfortable? Something to weigh. This gets tricky because
you don't get to just come in and set a ton of boundaries for your partner about what
they can and can't do. But at the same time, you've got to think about, are there things
that you feel really strongly about or things that are going to make you feel really safe
with this friendship. So this really just has to be a conversation.
It can't be a demand or an ultimatum. So you want to communicate these boundaries with
your partner and then talk through all the different situations rather than it just being
like, you can't do this. That's all. We're never talking about it again.
Yeah. It's like, you're not their parent. You don't get to come in and set the rules
for them, but you do get to have your own boundaries and your ideas, what feels safe
to you. So it's the two of you being adults and having a conversation about it. And I
think oftentimes when you have a conversation about it, you discover that there's a lot
more gray area than you might've thought. It's not this like, oh, it can only be this
or this kind of situation.
Yeah. So here's an example. So maybe you decide, you know what, I'm okay with late nights out
of like, my partner and their friend out late at night, as long as somebody else is with
them. Or maybe your partner can invite their friend over to your place and they can spend
some time together while you're still there, but you're doing your own thing. You're in
a different room or whatever. So that you're not saying like, you guys cannot have any
type of relationship anymore. You can never see each other alone. It just doesn't have
to be 4:00 AM alone stumbling home from the bar.
Yeah. And obviously this is going to be different for every couple. So that's why we're not
sharing guidelines in this video of like, this is okay, this is not okay because everybody
has different boundaries and different senses of what feels right. And what feels a little
off to them.
Oh yeah.
All right. Number three is that we want to invite you to consider that you may have some
of your own stuff going on here. So it's really easy to focus on your partner and their friend
and feeling a lot of anxieties or suspicion, stuff like that. But just because those feelings
get stirred up, doesn't mean that your partner's friendship caused those feelings or is responsible
for those feelings. So this also doesn't mean that your partner has to change their actions
to make you feel better. And the bottom line is a lot of times things get stirred up for
us because we have our own history with that thing.
So maybe you have been in a situation in the past where there were some boundaries that
got crossed or some lines that got crossed, and now you approach this relationship feeling
more suspicious or feeling more anxious. So it's important for us to consider, what is
the role that I'm playing in this? What am I bringing to the table here? Because the
bottom line is you don't want to ruin your relationship because you're bringing insecurities
into this relationship that actually have nothing to do with your partner. So a lot
of us, we have been burned in the past. I don't really know of anybody who has not been
hurt in a past relationship.
That's life.
Yeah. So unfortunately a lot of us try to control our relationships or try to control
the situations as an attempt to feel safe, but it's not very effective and it's not really
fair to your partner or to your relationship. Very easy to project your insecurities onto
your partner, onto their friendship. Thinking that they like their friend better than you,
or they're going to run off together because they're secretly in love. But again, this
just isn't fair to your partner or to your relationship. So this is obviously a huge
topic. We can have an entire video about trust in relationships. Maybe we will. But we think
that it's important to just have a little bit of faith in your partner, especially if
they haven't given you any sort of reason to be suspicious. Obviously if they have given
you some reasons to be suspicious, that's a different story.
Yeah. Maybe set some larger boundaries.
Yeah. So just recognize, your partner, they cannot be everything to you and you cannot
be everything to them. That does not make a healthy relationship. So it's normal, natural.
It's a good and healthy thing for your partner to have some of their needs met by people
outside of your relationship. So bottom line, your partner's friendship is not necessarily
a threat to your relationship.
All right. So speaking of having needs met outside of your relationship. Number four
is, you could try becoming friends with your partner's friend. See if you can have some
of your own needs met by them. If you love your partner, there's probably a good chance
that you're also going to love their friends too. Right?
Not always, but there's a pretty good chance.
Not always, but hopefully they have good taste in friends and you like that. So befriending
your partner's best friend, it can be a really great way to decrease your own anxiety and
also who doesn't want another great friend?
So we're not saying that you have to be there every time that they hang out, you guys have
to be this threesome best buds or anything like that so-
Three musketeers
Yeah. We're just saying, rather than seeing this other person as a threat to your relationship,
why not try befriending them?
It's an opportunity. Yeah. Because building a relationship with your partner's best friend
also shows that you care about them, that you value the relationships of your partner
and their friend, and that you respect that your partner has a life outside of your relationship.
Because I think it's easy for us to forget about that sometimes.
At the end of the day with some good communications, some boundary setting, a little soothing of
own anxiety, you and your partner can both have your needs met and nobody needs to lose
a friend in the process.
All right. That wraps up our video on best friends of a different sex. If you liked the
video, please give us a like, give us that thumbs up. Hit the red button to subscribe
to our YouTube channel. Click the notification icon so you keep getting notified when we
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button. It helps us out and it spreads the message so much better.
And don't forget to let us know down below if you think men and women can truly be just
friends. So give us a Y or a no. Share your story with us if you have one. But thanks
so much for watching.
See you next time.
About a sex best friend?
It said opposite sex and then I was trying to...