I have trouble dealing with people
on the phone and in person.
These are the two areas
I'm working on.
(audience laughing)
I have nothing
against the congenitally stupid.
I just don't understand why they all
end up in customer service.
(audience laughing)
No, I'll tell you what happened,
I'm in the supermarket.
The other day, I'm
in the supermarket, right?
I get out of the supermarket.
I get in my car.
My car won't start, so I call AAA.
I said, yeah, I'm in the parking lot
of the supermarket.
The car won't start.
The lady from AAA says, "was your car
"working when you drove it there?"
(audience laughing)
As a matter of fact, it wasn't.
I had to push my car all the way
here from my house.
Now it's all loaded up
with groceries.
It's a little too heavy
to push back.
Maybe they'll send somebody over.
(audience laughing)
We're at the mercy of these people.
Every week-- every morning,
every morning,
I go to the same store.
I get the same five items
every morning.
I get a bottle of water,
a banana, a cheese Danish,
a cup of coffee, and a roll of Tums.
(audience laughing)
Five distinctly different items
of all different sizes,
shapes, and consistencies.
And every morning, the guy
behind the counter
asks the same stupid question;
"uh, you need a bag for that?"
No, I don't need a bag.
In fact, don't even put the coffee
in a cup.
I'll just stand here with my mouth
open.
You can pour the hot coffee directly
down my throat.
(audience laughing)
Like with my car--
I'm not a car guy.
I'm a city guy.
I'm not a car guy.
If something goes
wrong with the car,
I got to trust the mechanic
because I don't always.
Luckily, I have a very honest
mechanic, and he keeps my car
running beautifully.
Because every time
I go in for an oil change,
he sells me a new transmission.
(audience laughing)
Now the doctors are telling me--
here's the latest thing.
The doctor says, "oh, you've
"got to cut down on red meat.
"That's it.
"You're eating too much red meat."
You know what I tell him?
I said, you're wrong.
I said, meat eaters live longer
than vegetarians.
Do you know why?
Because we embrace life and then
we eat it.
(audience laughing)
I'm a meat eater.
I don't mess around.
When I go to a restaurant,
I get a big juicy steak.
I get a side order of pot roast.
I get meatballs on top of that.
I tell the waiter, take it back,
put it in the blender.
Make me a meat smoothie.
I'm a meat eater.
(audience laughing)
Some vegetarians are very pushy.
I saw a bumper sticker on a car.
It said, meat makes me sick.
Why would you put that on your car?
"Meat makes me sick."
I'm going to get a bumper sticker
on my car that says, "wheat gives me
"a rash."
What do you think of that?
(audience laughing)
I'm going to get a bumper sticker
on my car that says, "if I so much
"as get in the same room with a plum,
"urinary tract infection."
(audience laughing)
That's a peculiar thing,
this need people have to put
their innermost feelings and beliefs
on little pieces of paper,
glued to the back of their cars.
People put information
about their families
on bumper stickers.
"My son is an honor student
"at Midvale High."
I don't care.
(audience laughing)
Do I bore you with information
about my family
on the back of my car?
Do I have a bumper sticker
on the back of my car
that say, "my cousin Bob in Hoboken
"has hepatitis?"
No, no, no.
(audience laughing)
Then I go to the optometrist
recently.
I wear glasses when I'm not
on stage.
I'm been wearing glasses
my whole life.
Recently, I go to the optometrist
and he hits me with one of these.
He says, "yeah, you're about six
"months away from bifocals."
Oh, you hear that and you fully
expect to hear, and you're 12 months
away from being spoon-fed tapioca
by a registered nurse.
(audience laughing)
So I had to go to the eyeglass store
to get the multi--
I'm wearing the multifocal lenses.
Anybody wear these things?
I can't get used to these things.
I don't know whether to look up
or down.
I've got no depth perception.
I leave the house in the morning,
I feel like one of The Flying
Wallendas.
(audience laughing)
So I got to go to the eyeglass
store, I just want to grab
my glasses and get out, but you can't,
you can't.
Because first, you got to deal
with the lady behind the counter,
whose sole job is to take
your new glasses
and put them on your head.
Because this is apparently a very
complicated task.
You might screw it all up
and poke your own eye out.
(audience laughing)
So she takes
my new multifocal lenses.
She puts them on my head,
and she looks.
Then, she takes them off.
She makes a little adjustment.
She puts them back.
She looks.
Then she says, "these are going
"to look crooked,
(audience laughing)
"but it's not the glasses.
"It's you.
(audience laughing)
"You have one eye higher
"than the other."
So I said, could you take them back?
Could you straighten them up?
She said, "no, they are straight.
"It's not the glasses.
"It's you."
So now, I'm starting to get
a little steamed.
I said, ma'am-- now, you should know
when I start a sentence
with the word
"ma'am," that's a key word.
That means the volcano is
about to erupt.
It's like starting a sentence
with "with all due respect."
No one in the history
of the English language
has ever said anything respectful
following "with all due respect."
It's always, "with all due respect,
"you should drop dead."
(audience laughing)
So I said, ma'am, I've been wearing
glasses all my life.
I have never had this problem.
She says, "sir, with all due respect,
"I've been selling glasses all my life.
"I've never had this problem."
I said, really?
You've been selling glasses all
your life?
So when all the other little kids
were out on the front lawn
with their lemonade stands,
you were out there
with your optometry kiosk?
(audience laughing)
When all the little Girl Scouts were
going door to door, selling cookies,
you were selling disposable contact
lenses.
So I did 12 rounds, 12 rounds
with this lunatic.
I storm out and I get in the car.
My wife's waiting in the car
outside.
I get in the car.
My wife says, "what happened?"
I said, I'll tell you what happened,
that woman's insane.
She said I had one eye higher
than the other.
My wife says, "you just noticed this?"
(audience laughing)
She says, "everybody on your side
"of the family has one eye higher
"than the other."
So now, I'm juggling three
different pairs of glasses.
I got my new multifocal lenses.
These are for everyday use
and for driving.
I still wear my old prescription
for distance, like when I go
to the movies.
It's just easier.
And now, of course, I also
have my new reading glasses just
for reading.
So the ultimate nightmare for me
would be to go see a foreign movie
with subtitles
at a drive-in theater.
(audience laughing)
I got three different pairs
of glasses I can't find
in the morning.
I get up, I walk around the house
all day looking for my glasses.
I got to call my wife
and say, honey, come home and help
me find my glasses.
She comes home, she can't help me
find the glasses because she can't
find her glasses.
I said, put your contact lenses in
so you can see,
so you can find your--
This is what we do all day,
we look for glasses.
(audience laughing)
Young couples just starting out,
it's exciting.
24 years later, you look
for glasses.
This is what we do.
(audience laughing)
This is what we do all day.