Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World
'This will send you back to hell you ugly troll'
6 years after the Incredible Hulk TV series ended Bill Bixby reprised his role as David Banner
for TV movie The Incredible Hulk Returns, accompanied of course by his alter ego
played by Lou Ferrigno. Why?
It was used as a backdoor pilot for a potential Thor series
'It's a joke'
When we re-join Banner, he is older, wiser and in Hulk-remission
'It's been two years since my Mr Hyde has showed his ugly face’
Unfortunately a face from his past turns up
'This Thor, he's part of me'
with a Norse god in tow
'first thing's first'
'What are you doing?'
'I'm thirsty!'
I imagine there's a drink in this metal box
'Don't make me angry'
He said the line!
Puny god
'You buick on stilts'
'That's an insult isn't it'
It's hard to say
'It's a joke'
Now, even though Thor has a nerdy sidekick, Blake, who summons him through his hammer, reducing him to a muscular genie
'The wrath of God in a bottle'
And even though it's shot through with more slow motion than a Zack Snyder wet dream
in the mistaken belief this makes the Hulk seem bigger, and not - you know - slow
The Blake-Thor-Banner-Hulk stuff works.
Banner becomes a mentor who can pass his hard-learned experiences on to the new young superhero in town
'Like a leper that finds another leper to be pals with'
In fact, I get the impression the writers were enjoying this so much, they may have forgotten the bad guys
'Trouble'
Who get one scene in the entire first half of the movie
'Can't win the game unless you'd rather die than lose it'
it's just squash
'There are other words I could use.'
Because they come in so late, their plan and role in the story is all a bit half-arsed
'My organisation will kidnap the transponder within the week for 1/3 of the total selling price.''
Although I'm willing to forgive a lot because it includes Russ Meyer actor, and voice of the hulk, Charles Napier
'That'll be right Jack.'
in a growling stand-off with another cult star, Tim Thomerson
'you stupid cajun idiot'
'Hey, I'm just as Cajun as you man.'
I'm waiting for the scene where they realise they were separated at birth
'Wha?' 'Yeah'
The bad guys want Banner's new invention which will cure his Hulkism
'The transponder is the closest thing I've come to a cure'
it'll do other things as well - bad guy things - so they want it,
and kidnap Banner's girlfriend, who doesn't know his secret, despite scenes like this
'David?'
What are you doing with our dog?
'You didn't go into any details'
Rather than letting this non-specific but clearly dangerous thing fall into the wrong hands, Banner destroys it
'This thing can cure you and you're going to fry it?'
How selfless. Course he still has to rescue his girlfriend and, with Thor's help, kicks bad guy ass
Which was always the plan so... why destroy the machine?
Got some other TV specials planned huh?
'You'll get no argument from me on that score'
The character stuff is what sells this but there is an issue
'You're basically a good dude'
What made the Kenneth Brannagh/Chris Hemsworth Thor work was that Thor is a dick
who is banished and learns not to be a dick. This Thor is a dick
'But does that make you a bad person'
But it's not portrayed as a problem cos he's a heroic
'I'm looking for a man'
'You have found one'
Thor doesn't change through the story, he's already seen as pretty much perfect
'But I am what I always will be'
The character arc belongs to Blake
'What happened last night wasn't Thor's fault it was yours and yours alone'
Thor is teaching him to be a man
'He wants me to be more heroic'
Which is problematic because a) Do you want the story to be about this guy?
'One beer and I'm wasted, I have no constitution.'
or this guy
'Hold it big feller'
and b)
'You'll be a hero yet Blake'
And all you needed was a gun!
'I guess we could all learn something from the big goof'
Still a fun film though.
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We're fast running out of Marvel TV movies to review
let us know in the comments below what we've missed and which we should tackle next