WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
LAST WEEK, SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED THAT A HURRICANE HAD WIPED OUT A
TINY HAWAIIAN ISLAND-- JUST WIPED IT RIGHT OFF THE FACE OF
THE EARTH.
AND... I WANT TO MOVE THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN A ROUGH WEEK ON THE NON-
SUBMERGED PARTS OF AMERICA.
ON SATURDAY, IN PITTSBURGH AT THE TREE OF LIFE SYNAGOGUE, A
MASS SHOOTER MURDERED 11 WORSHIPPERS.
IT WAS THE WORST ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST JEWISH PEOPLE IN U.S.
HISTORY.
IT'S TRAGIC, IT'S SICKENING, AND OUR THOUGHTS ARE WITH THE
VICTIMS, THEIR FAMILIES, AND THE LARGER JEWISH COMMUNITY.
BUT MORE THAN THAT, I WANT TO SAY, HATE IS NOT WHAT AMERICA
STANDS FOR, AND TONIGHT ALL OF US ARE WITH YOU.
CASE IN POINT, HOURS AFTER THE SHOOTING, A MUSLIM GROUP STARTED
A CROWDFUNDING SITE FOR VICTIMS WITH THE GOAL OF RAISING
$25,000.
SO FAR, THEY'VE RAISED OVER $140,000.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THE LIGHT SHINES
BRIGHTEST IN THE DARK.
>> Stephen: TAREK EL-MESSIDI, THE ACTIVIST WHO STARTED THE
PAGE, EXPLAINED, "WE WISH TO RESPOND TO EVIL WITH GOOD."
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
YOU'RE SAYING, "WELL, YEAH, IT'S EASY TO HAVE THAT KIND OF
GOODWILL BETWEEN HISTORICAL FRIENDS, LIKE THE JEWISH PEOPLE
AND MUSLIMS."
( LAUGHTER ) AND I WAS ALSO INSPIRED BY THE
2500 PEOPLE WHO TURNED OUT ON SUNDAY FOR A MEMORIAL SERVICE AT
THE UNIVERSITY OF PITTSBURGH, WHERE RABBI JONATHAN PERLMAN
SAID, "WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY WILL NOT BREAK US.
IT WILL NOT RUIN US.
WE WILL CONTINUE TO THRIVE AND SING AND WORSHIP AND LEARN
TOGETHER AND CONTINUE OUR HISTORIC LEGACY IN THE CITY WITH
THE FRIENDLIEST PEOPLE THAT I KNOW."
YES, IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LOT MORE THAN THIS TO BREAK THE
RESOLVE OF THE JEWISH PEOPLE.
THEY WILL CONTINUE TO WORSHIP, AND LEARN, AND SING.
( APPLAUSE ) NATURALLY, IN TIMES LIKE THESE,
OUR NATION LOOKS TO ITS PRESIDENT FOR COMFORT AND
GUIDANCE.
THAT'S OUR FIRST MISTAKE.
( LAUGHTER ) IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE SHOOTING,
TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS HOW THE ATTACK IN PITTSBURGH COULD HAVE
BEEN PREVENTED.
SPOILER ALERT, IT'S MORE GUNS.
>> THIS IS A CASE WHERE IF THEY HAD AN ARMED GUARD INSIDE, THEY
MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO STOP HIM IMMEDIATELY.
>> STEPHEN: "YES, IT'S SO SIMPLE.
IN FACT, WHY DIDN'T JEWISH PEOPLE HAVE AN ARMED GUARD FOR
THE PAST 5,000 YEARS?
( LAUGHTER ) MOSES COULD'VE SAVED A LOT OF
DESERT TIME IF PHARAOH KNEW HE WAS PACKING."
( LAUGHTER ) "OKAY, BACK OFF, PHARAOH."
NOW, SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT TRUMP SHOULD CANCEL HIS RALLY PLANNED
FOR SATURDAY NIGHT, BUT HE EXPLAINED WHY HE DIDN'T AT THE
RALLY HE SHOULD'VE CANCELED.
>> DICK GRASSO-- A GREAT GUY, A FRIEND OF MINE, GREAT GUY-- HE
HEADED UP THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE.
AND SEPTEMBER 11-- AND THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE WAS OPEN THE
FOLLOWING DAY.
HE SAID-- AND WHAT THEY HAD TO DO TO OPEN IT, YOU WOULDN'T
BELIEVE.
WE WON'T EVEN TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.
BUT HE GOT THAT EXCHANGE OPEN.
>> STEPHEN: AN INSPIRING STORY.
IF ANY OF IT WAS TRUE.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THE NEW YORK STOCK
EXCHANGE WAS CLOSED UNTIL SEPTEMBER 17.
SO TRUMP'S INSTINCT WHEN ADDRESSING A TRAGEDY WAS TO LIE
ABOUT ANOTHER TRAGEDY.
I THINK LYING ABOUT 9/11 IS A DISQUALIFIER FOR THE PRESIDENCY,
OR REALLY HAVING ANY JOB.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "OKAY, BILL, LET'S SEE IF YOU'RE
ARBY'S MATERIAL.
IT SAYS HERE THAT YOUR BIGGEST WEAKNESS IS THAT YOU'RE A
PERFECTIONIST.
AND LYING ABOUT 9/11.
OKAY, YOU CAN GO."
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT THERE'S SOMETHING THAT
ALMOST PREVENTED TRUMP FROM HOLDING HIS RALLY.
>> BY THE WAY, SOMEBODY JUST SAID, "YOUR HAIR LOOKS DIFFERENT
TODAY."
I SAID, "WELL, I WAS STANDING UNDER THE WING OF AIR FORCE ONE
DOING A NEWS CONFERENCE EARLY THIS MORNING-- A VERY
UNFORTUNATE NEWS CONFERENCE-- AND THE WIND WAS BLOWING AND THE
RAIN, AND I WAS SOAKING WET.
AND THAT'S WHAT I ENDED UP WITH TODAY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I SAID-- AT LEAST YOU KNOW
IT'S MINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I SAID, "MAYBE I SHOULD CANCEL THIS ARRANGEMENT, BECAUSE I HAVE
A BAD HAIR DAY."
>> STEPHEN: WAIT.
SO HE THINKS ALL THE OTHER ONES ARE GOOD HAIR DAYS?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOA, NOW.
>> Stephen: THAT IS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S DEEPLY TROUBLING.
>> Jon: WHEN HE WAS WALKING ON THE PLANE THAT THING ALMOST CAME
OFF.
>> Stephen: ANOTHER WEIRD THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE
RALLY.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CLIP FROM SATURDAY, OF TRUMP CARRYING AN
UMBRELLA AND BOARDING AIR FORCE ONE.
OKAY, JUST BOARDING THE PLANE WITH HIS UMBRELLA.
OKAY, TIME TO CLOSE IT UP...
AND... HE JUST LEAVES IT!
( LAUGHTER ) HE JUST WALKS AWAY.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU CAN'T JUST DROP AN UMBRELLA WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH IT.
IT'S NOT A WIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WOW.
WOW.
>> Stephen: NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT REMEMBER WHEN TRUMP TOOK A
TEST TO SAY HIS BRAIN WAS GOOD, AND THEN WE FOUND OUT THE GUY
WHO ADMINISTERED THE TEST WAS POPPING PILLS AND THEN WE JUST
NEVER DID ANOTHER TEST?
I THINK THIS WAS THE OTHER TEST.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE TRAGEDY THIS
WEEKEND MAKES THE SERIAL BOMBER LAST WEEK SEEM LIKE A
LIGHTHEARTED STORY FROM THE SMILE FILE.
THE F.B.I. CAUGHT THE GUY WHO DID IT.
FLORIDA MANIAC AND GUY WHO USES THE "JUST FOR MEN" STENCIL PACK,
CESAR SAYOC.
THE ALLEGED CRIMINAL WAS ARRESTED ON FRIDAY MORNING AT AN
AUTOZONE CAR PARTS SHOP IN FLORIDA.
WHICH-- LET'S FACE IT-- IS DEFINITELY NOT THE FIRST TIME
SOMEONE HAS SAID THAT SENTENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT SAYOC
SO FAR: HE'S 56-YEARS-OLD, AND IN THE PAST, HE WORKED AS A
DEEJAY AND SPENT MUCH OF THE PAST DECADE LIVING OUT OF HIS
VAN.
LIVING OUT OF HIS VAN?
MY GOD, HE'S THE MOST SUCCESSFUL DEEJAY I KNOW.
NOW, THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE IF SAYOC WAS A FAN OF
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
UNLESS YOU SEE HIM AT A TRUMP RALLY, OR POSING IN A MAGA HAT
IN FRONT OF TRUMP'S BUS, OR CHECK OUT HIS VAN, WHICH
FEATURES THE WORLD'S MOST MAGA-TASTIC FAN ART COLLAGE.
HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HAD A BUMPER STICKER THAT SAID:
"IF THIS VAN'S A-ROCKIN', IT'S BECAUSE I'M MAKING PIPE BOMBS TO
SEND TO THE PEOPLE PICTURED ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN."
NOW, WITH SAYOC'S ADORATION OF TRUMP, AND THE FACT THAT
EVERYONE SAYOC SENT A BOMB TO WAS SOMEONE TRUMP HAD TARGETED
IN SPEECHES, IT'S REASONABLE TO ASK IF THE PRESIDENT'S RACIST
FEAR-MONGERING, AND DECLARING SO-CALLED ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE,
IN ANY WAY ENCOURAGES VIOLENCE TOWARD THE PEOPLE HE CALLS
ENEMIES.
REPORTERS ASKED IF THE PRESIDENT BEARS ANY RESPONSIBILITY.
HERE'S WHAT SARAH HUCKASANDS SAID:
>> THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR CARRYING OUT EITHER OF THESE
HEINOUS ACTS WERE THE INDIVIDUALS WHO CARRIED THEM
OUT.
>> STEPHEN: AND THE PRESIDENT AGREES.
THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE TO PUT THE BLAME.
(AS TRUMP) "THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA, THE TRUE
ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE, MUST STOP THE OPEN AND OBVIOUS HOSTILITY
AND REPORT THE NEWS ACCURATELY AND FAIRLY.
THAT WILL DO MUCH TO PUT OUT THE FLAME-- DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT-- OF ANGER AND OUTRAGE.
AND WE WILL THEN BE ABLE TO BRING ALL SIDES TOGETHER IN
PEACE AND HARMONY.
FAKE NEWS MUST END!" "NOTHING I SAY INFLUENCES
ANYONE, BUT IF THE NEWS KEEPS INFLUENCING PEOPLE BY SAYING
WHAT I SAID, I'M GOING TO SAY, 'I TOLD YOU SO.'"