People want to know "What is a power struggle in a relationship?"
Well, I know what a power struggle is in a relationship.
In fact, I've seen many of them. As a previous foster parent for troubled
teens, all ages 12 to 18 and as a mother of
4, I've been through my share of power
struggles and managing them. I'm Nicholeen Peck
and I teach self-government. To solve the power struggle problem,
self-government is the key. In this video, we're going to talk about
what a power struggle is, how to identify it
and what to do about it.
What is a power struggle? A power struggle
is when one person tries to control the power in the room. And when they pull
on another person to try to get something out of them.
And then the other person responds with some sort of emotional behavior. It
could include words or not trying to get the person to stop
controlling them. Usually the root of a power struggle is
someone doesn't feel understood. When that one person doesn't feel
understood and they start attacking the other one for it,
then the other person doesn't feel understood. And so you have
both people pulling back and forth because they don't feel
understood at the same time. So, what could
cure a power struggle then? Possibly understanding? The thing is you can't get
to a place of understanding without involving the front part of the
brain. The front part of the brain does all of
your logical processing. It is not working when a person is using
their emotion and power struggling with somebody else.
So, how do we get the person to disengage that
emotional activity and engage the prefrontal cortex
and start thinking again. I used to be the queen of power struggles.
In fact, I am the type of person that is so strong-willed.
If I want to hurt someone with my words, I have that skill.
That is not a skill to actually be proud of. At one point in my life,
when i was maybe 14, I was pretty proud of that skill.
But as time went by, I recognized that every time i started using that vicious,
controlling, dominating power struggle part of me,
i didn't get any more understood. In fact, it felt like
i was abusing another person and i'm sure to them
it kind of felt like that too. I learned that the best way to get understood
is to honor the role of the other person. When your children
are thinking you don't understand them, the best thing they can do is honor your
role. Which means they will then seek to
understand you. And who you are and your position. And
then that will open your heart and your mind
to want to understand them more and their side more.
There's a softening that occurs when we recognize the role that each person in
our family has. Your children have a role in your life
as well and in the family. What is their role?
They're supposed to be a learner. So, if your child
is power struggling with you, how can you acknowledge
their role as a learner? By calmly understanding that they are frustrated
and by pointing them in the right direction.
The role of parents when a person is in a power struggle
is to point that person in the right direction.
It's like you're the guy leading the airplane in
to his parking spot. "Come this way. Follow the orange flashlights.
Come this way." Even if that big huge plane
turned somewhere else, you would stand there and wave.
It's this way, it's this way. And the more they went away from
your flashlights in the dark of night, the more that
airplane would be lost. The same is true for the children.
If you're going to do the teaching and the pointing and directing for your
child, you've got to have the skills to do it.
Skills such as how to do an effective
correction. How to handle a situation when a person
is completely out of control? Meaning they won't follow
any of your instructions. They won't maintain eye contact.
If they get deep into their power struggle
which looks like shutting you off completely then you know you need some
bigger pointers to attract the attention. They
don't have to be mean or instill any fear. But you need tools
in place to lead them in the direction of calmness.
That's our landing spot. When a person goes completely out of control
and their power struggling with you, whether by secluding themselves
and pulling away and not talking or getting angry
and showing you they're bigger than life, they need calmness. They need security.
And you can give that to them with the appropriate tools
and teaching styles. I want you to know what those are there's a video that
talks all about them. I'm pretty sure you'll want to watch
that next. If you click the button in this top corner of the video you can
watch that video which is called How To Avoid
Power Struggles With Your Child.