The big moment watched live around the globe.
Last night, NASA tested a new planetary defense system
by smashing a spacecraft into an asteroid.
Boom! Yeah.
How you like that, asteroid?
That was for the dinosaurs.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
And in case you're wondering, in case you're wondering.
No, the asteroid was not heading for Earth, all right?
We're just testing the system.
It wasn't heading towards us.
But now the other asteroids-- they know not to test us.
"You don't mess with Earth, man. We're loco, man."
In health news, researchers have discovered
that you can dissolve pills faster
if you lie on your right side.
Which raises a big question for me.
-How do I become a researcher? -(laughter)
No, 'cause it just sounds like fun, right?
-(applause) -Sounds like a lot of fun.
You just sit around all day thinking random thoughts.
Like, "Huh. I wonder what would happen
"if I took Advil doggy style.
Huh. Huh."
(applause)
Oh, and in financial news,
Donald Trump is back on the Forbes 400 list
of America's richest people at number 343,
which I love so much. Yeah.
I mean, how ironic is it
that Donald Trump is the only guy doing well
-in Joe Biden's economy, huh? -(laughter)
Yeah, he's going to end up running for president
and then voting for Biden.
"I made so much money under Joe Brandon.
"And this Trump guy was crazy.
"I hear he wanted bleach in his lung.
He's crazy. I'm voting for Joe."
But let's move on to some of the bigger stories of the day,
starting with our ongoing coverage of the war in Ukraine.
♪ ♪
It has been seven months
since Vladimir Putin went all Kool-Aid man on Ukraine.
But from day one, the war has been a disaster for him.
First, Putin tried to take over all of Ukraine,
but the Ukrainian army stopped him.
Then he tried to take over the eastern half,
but the Ukrainian army stopped him.
Then he tried to slide into an Instagram model's DMs,
and Instagram, like, it was just Instagram
so the Ukrainian army didn't do anything
because it was Instagram.
Yeah, he was-he was stopped by the fact
that he looks like a heavily- botoxed Gollum in a suit.
No offense to Gollum-- I just need an example.
The point is, Vladimir Putin is not #winning.
So, after seven months of war,
the Russian army only controls a slice of Ukraine.
And now the Ukrainians
are threatening to take that back, too.
But before that happens, Vladimir Putin is saying,
"Hey, hey, hey, what about democracy?"
WOMAN: In Ukraine, Russian controlled areas
in the east of the country
are wrapping up a series of referendums
asking voters if they want to be a part of Russia.
The votes are illegal under international law
and some Ukrainians have been forced to vote at gunpoint.
WOMAN 2: Election officials, accompanied by armed soldiers,
go traipsing up flights of stairs, knocking on doors,
searching for voters.
In the past few minutes, the Russian state media
has announced the primary results,
claiming that people have voted overwhelmingly in favor
of becoming part of the Russian federation.
The results supposedly showing 97% or 98% of the vote
being in favor of joining the federation.
Yeah, you hear that?
Russian soldiers are going door-to-door
forcing people to vote to join Russia.
And so because of that,
97% of the vote has been pro-Putin.
Yeah. But, I mean, let's be honest.
I mean, these-these voters have a "choice"
in the same way we have a "choice"
to not accept cookies on that website, you know?
(laughter)
Yeah, it's like, "What? So, what, if I pick no,
"can I not see how child stars have age?
What kind of a choice is that?!"
97 percent.
You know what my question is:
Who the hell is the three percent?
No, I'm really impressed by this.
Who had the balls to still vote against Putin
while his soldiers watched them mark their ballots?
Who was there and just like, "Yes, I have voted...
"for your mama. Ah.
"Ah, look at.
"Oh, I voted twice.
Oh, oh."
(applause)
So, yeah, because it's a sham,
it looks like "98%" of "the voters"
in this "election" "voted" to become a part of Russia.
And honestly, like, why do they even go through all of this?
Huh? Like going door-to-door, making everyone sign shit
just so you can do what you're already doing anyway.
I mean, it's one thing to conquer a town
and blow up their buildings but then to make them do paperwork?
There is evil and then there's evil!
And this is that classic middle school bully move,
forcing you to say something and then acting like it's legit.
"Say you want to eat dog poop, say you want to eat dog poop."
"Oh, I like to eat dog poop."
(laughing): "He said it, he likes eating dog poop."
"No, I didn't, Steve.
"I just said it because you made me say it.
I'm glad your parents broke up."
But let's move on...
to some news that's closer to home.
Even though the coronavirus pandemic seems
to finally be on its way out, I think we can all admit
the world is not exactly the same as it used to be.
We're less eager to shake strangers' hands, you know,
people generally don't sit next to each other
in public places anymore,
and now every time you rob a bank, it takes so much longer
for people to know you're the robber
because everyone else is wearing a mask.
Yeah, so then you have to pull out a gun,
but because it's America, everyone else pulls out a gun,
and then it's like at that point you just end up
opening up a checking account and leaving.
You know, I was just trying to rob the bank.
Pandemic spoiled everything.
But good news, good news, people.
There is one part of American life
that is coming roaring back.
Traffic is coming back to pre-pandemic levels.
I've seen it with my own eyes.
This, all thanks to a push for workers to return to the office.
Major U.S. cities, including Los Angeles, Miami, Chicago,
seeing more commuter traffic congestion, and it is growing.
Traffic is above pre-pandemic levels in Miami and Dallas,
in Houston and in Phoenix.
There is an interesting disparity, though,
taking place in the numbers.
Monday and Friday, that is when traffic is typically lower,
even lower than it was before the pandemic.
Wednesday and Thursday are the really big days for traffic now
in major cities across the country.
It really starts to begin to rise today, Tuesday.
Yeah, you see, because everyone now works remote part-time
and then everyone gets to choose which days they work remote
and which days they come in,
all of the traffic that used to be during the week
is now only on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday,
which sucks.
All of it crammed together.
I will say, as bad as it is for us humans,
it is good for the cars, you know.
Yeah, because now that traffic is slow,
it gives them a chance to catch up again.
Hey there, Craig, hey!
-Hey, Craig, long time no see, buddy, hey! -(horns honking)
Yeah, nice paint job! Ha!
Nothing wrong with turning back the clock a little bit, huh?
Me? Yeah, things have been good. (chuckles)
Some teenagers had sex in me-- that was cool.
(chuckles)
Oh, boy, did you hear about Jerry, by the way?
His owner dumped him for an electric.
Yeah, he's taking it real hard, he's hooked on diesel now.
It's a real shame, man.
Oh, by the way, looks like my lane is moving.
See you in two seconds, buddy!
(laughs)
(applause)
You know...
You know, when-when you think about it,
the new traffic problem makes sense, right,
'cause everyone would rather spend an extra day at home
on a Monday and a Friday, and that means that those days
are gonna be the days when everyone is chilling, right?
'Cause those are the days when you're making the hangover
or recovering from the hangover, you know what I mean?
Yeah, but now, but now, think about this,
if everyone is choosing the same days to be on the road,
then those days are gonna suck even more,
which means Tuesday is gonna be the new Friday
and then Thursday is gonna be the new Monday?
And then-- Wait, what? Oh, I guess Wednesday's
still gonna to be in the middle, it'll be that weird day
in the middle, like the D that nobody even uses. Like...
No, who says "Wed-nesday," anyway, huh?
It's probably the same people who say "Feb-ruary."
Should be arrested. The point is-- the point is--
this problem is happening
because the week was designed incorrectly.
Yeah, think about it.
Who said the week has to be seven days, huh?
That's not a rule.
That's what people don't realize.
If we all do the same week, it's not gonna get better.
My solution is instead of seven days we should have
a five-day week, yeah? Think about it, think about it.
Because you've seen every study that comes out that says
the fewer days we work, doesn't mean that
production goes down, right? No productivity decreases.
All we do is spend extra time in the office,
spending like we're working when, really, we're just
googling "how long until Friday gets here,"
so we don't actually need more days in the office.
Think about it. Three days of work. That's what I propose.
We do three days of work, two days of weekend.
-(cheering, applause) -Yeah, yeah.
Three days of work. Two days of weekend.
Sounds like a perfect week, yeah? Less traffic.
You're just like, "Aw, it's Monday.
"Oh, it's Wednesday already! Friday, what a week!
By the way, I'm gonna need Monday off, I've got a thing."
It's the perfect week. All right, that's it
for today's headlines. Let's move on to something
that everyone loves now. It is time to check in on today's
lotto numbers with our very own Dulcé Sloan, everybody.
(cheering, applause)
Hello. Hello.
So nice to see you again, Dulcé.
How, uh, how are you doing today?
Well, you know, I woke up on the right side of the dirt,
-so it is what it is, baby. -All right. Well, Dulcé,
hit with us the numbers.
You know, I heard Trump's back on the Forbes 400 list.
Oh, yeah, yeah, he is, he is.
Like I give a damn. Listen...
they just keep putting out this list.
Like, why are we supposed to care?
It's just a bunch of Trump-- it's, like,
a bunch of rich (bleep) we don't know.
Like, why am I supposed to care
that you rich?
I still eat at Checkers. Like, what are we talking about?
Right? Like, why do we need to know this information?
Like, they're basically giving us a list
of 400 people we should rob.
It's like a crime starter pack.
Like, don't rob your neighbor, rob number 26.
Like, it makes sense.
Okay, well, speaking of cash.
Thank you for sharing all of that, Dulcé.
Can-can we get the lotto numbers, please?
-Listen, I'm trying to tell you something. -Okay. Okay.
-You saw the asteroid story? -I-I did, yeah.
Ooh, I (bleep) with NASA, okay?
Oh, man, I (bleep) with NASA. I love the space museum.
I mean, I wouldn't go to space.
'Cause I don't believe in going anywhere
where you have to bring your own air.
It's a fact. I'll never scuba dive.
Like, if I was supposed to be down there,
I'd have gills. This is dumb.
Like, I'm not that little Halle girl.
I ain't fit to be down there. What I'm saying is,
did you see the live stream?
Yeah. The video that they had, yeah?
They put the camera on the front of the thing.
If you put it on the fr--
Like, it was running into the asteroid,
so I didn't, like--
It was like watching a video
of someone falling down wearing a GoPro.
Like, are you okay?
Am I okay? Are we dead?
Like, I don't know what's happening here.
It was science.
Listen, we ganged up on a innocent asteroid.
Just minding his business,
being in space,
believing what he believes,
being a horoscope. You know.
-What? -I mean, that's space.
That's where the horoscopes come from, right?
It was bullying!
-Bullying? What are you talking about? -Yeah!
We done thrown a little machine
into that little asteroid living his life.
It's bullying.
We were messing with that little asteroid.
What if we pissed off his mama?
You seen the cartoons. You know when you mess
with the little baby, something--
the mama always show up pissed.
Little asteroid's mama just gonna be floating out there
like, "Mm, who crashed into you?"
"Don't tell me it was NASA.
Every damn time it's that NASA boy!"
Okay.
Dulcé, I don't think the asteroid has a mom.
And I feel like we've run out of time completely.
Can you, uh... can you just give us the lotto numbers
right now, please, Dulcé? We need the numbers.
(clicks tongue) Ugh, fine. 1, 13, 21, 8, 34. Bye!
No, Dulcé, no!
-What? -No, no, no! No, no, no!
-No, no, no, you-- N-No! -I gave you the num-- What?!
You used all of my time for your stories
-and none of them for the lot... -I was talking about the news.
Yeah. Wh-What I'm saying, you-you can't do them
all at once, right? You got to-- you got to, like--
you got to take your time.
Build the suspense.
-Oh. Suspense. -Yeah.
I got your suspense.
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
Bye!
Dulcé Sloan, everybody.