Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'I've been waiting for this moment a long time.'
Before the multi-billion dollar cross-media franchise octopus that is the Avengers,
Captain America had another comparatively recent big screen outing.
'Sorry, I belive you are the only one of you there is going to be.'
Now, I know what you’re thinking; it’s completely unfair to review this because it’s always going to look bad next to the Chris Evans version.
Well good news, I hated that film, so if anything I’ll be giving this one the edge.
'Besides, you got that crazy fire proof uniform the Dr made up for you.'
'She didn't know much about camouflage.'
'Ha! Nope.'
But right away there’s an issue.
Bad guy the Red Skull is an Italian piano prodigy whose parents are gunned down by Nazis
who then experiment on him.
Hugely sympathetic backstory.
Steve Rogers is going to have to be a seriously super superhero to win my sympathy.
The phrase usless idiot springs to mind.
but we shouldn’t be surprised since his only qualification is that he too has been scientifically enhanced.
‘This process can take a frail boy with polio and give him the strength and speed of an world class athelete’
So what you’re saying is an actual athelete would be just as good.
'Hey back off!'
Probably better.
‘Are you sure it’s not some kind of crazy hoax?’
This seems like a lot of trouble to go to just to avoid having a fitness program for your soldiers!
I was also unaware that athletes could survive 50 years frozen in ice.
'Gee Whizz'
Let me tell you, the smartest thing the new Captain America did was to have him frozen and woken in the present at the end of the film.
So all that, ‘ooh what’s happened, everything’s changed, my girlfriend got old’ bull is offscreen where it belongs!
‘Do you know this guy?’
‘Yes I do?'
No caveat you’d like to add there like, oh I don’t know; why are you still young?!
‘No way did that just happen.’
While the Captain’s been frozen the red skull has done alright for himself.
‘We know that he is Kingpin in powerful cartel’
and he’s been busy.
'This Red Skull guy was closely involved in the murders of Robert Kennedy, John Kennedy Martin Luther King...'
Yeah sure, blame the Italians.
And here are his assassins in action.
What the hell was that?
And now you’re leaving?! They will come out of the water you know?!
'Oh my God, you found it, that is like so bitching.'
And as if that wasn’t enough one of them has left behind her handbag containing her address,
personal details and a picture of her crime lord father!
'Call the jet, Captain America is in California.'
The idea these idiots assassinated Kennedy is as plausible as Seth Rogen and James Franco assassinating Kim Jong-Un.
'Where is he?'
I would love to MST3K this whole movie because there is so much!
The Captain steering a ICBM to which he is tied by kicking it.
The fact that ICBM doesn’t even explode.
The plastic ears on his costume...
'Will you please pull over the car, I'm going to be sick.'
The fact he steals car by pretending to be car sick.
'Twice.'
Then there’s the big finale.
Great, you can beat up a man now in his 60s.
'You made a poor choice little brother.'
My mistake.
‘What do you want me to do? Eat dirt?’
The film’s a catastrophe.
‘We are both tragedies’
Maybe you have to be American to really get Captain America
but to me he seems actively offensive to the US army.
‘He’s our only hope Dr’
Cos he suggests that one untrained numbnuts with a magic shield is better than a whole platoon of trained US soldiers.
How is that patriotic?!
‘She sure did love the red white and blue’
But the bottom line remains; what happens when you do a big movie with a bad script?
‘You will end up with terrible lines’
Will you ever!
If you've got a film you'd like us to review leave a comment below. Click here to subscribe
Here to see more reviews and whatever you do don't click down the end
Mr.. President, thanks