From Julio, hey, Mr. Kramer. How formal. Hey Mr. Kramer, first of all, your podcast has
been of great help. I want to thank you for it and your honest approach. The reason I'm
writing is because I'm interested in a woman with whom I've been spending quite some time.
We've only kissed once and the second time he tried, she denied the kiss and she thought
it's too soon and what was my rush? I asked her what she wanted and she said friends.
After that incident, we've hung out, went for food and mini-dates, and we've been texting. The last
one was two weeks ago and she stopped. I know what you've been recommending in these friends cases,
but I really believe we hit it off. I gotta interrupt here. I get this all the time. You
got to understand Julio, just giving you tough love, because I love you bud, I do.
You got to understand here... I'm recommending this in all scenarios...
a lot of guys come to me and they say, "but you don't understand Tripp. This one's different."
I get that all the time. "But Tripp you don't understand. I know you say well, friend-zone. But
this one is different." Most of the time, it's not different. But I digress, let's continue.
You continue to say the reason she said she denied my second kiss is that when we met,
we started planning a trip with a group and she doesn't want to fuck it up. Since she
stopped texting, I've also stopped trying to have a conversation. Instead, I've been using
it to try to meet up and she hasn't refused. We've been seeing each other bi-weekly for
planning the trip and Mr. Kramer right now, I'm at a point where I don't know how to act,
or what to say to her. I really like her and she knows it and not because I act needy or anything.
She's hard to read. Should I keep this on until I confront her after the trip?
Or should I simply just stop setting up meetings with her other than those already established
by the group for planning the trip and move on? Any help or advice would be appreciated. Julio,
you're in a friend-zone situation. And you said here that you're not acting needy.
The thing is, you actually are acting needy. You are acting needy. Let's do this for fun. Let's
define neediness in Google, let's see what it says. What does neediness mean? It means needing a
lot of attention, affection or emotional support. You might say to yourself, that you're really not
doing this to a level where you're trying to get a lot, that was the definition trying to get a lot,
but you actually are. I think that your barometer for this is a little bit off.
If you're a person who's constantly texting her to meet up, and she is, and you're letting that go on
without trying to make a move, inherently I believe that that's needy.
Because you're telling her, hey, I want to spend all this time with you
and I don't care if you're giving me any sexual attention. I see that as needy.
You need to do the opposite and you need to... well, at this point, you're kind of stuck. There's
not much I can say here. You're going on this trip with her. I mean, honestly, I think you're...
it sounds like you're planning the trip. The best case scenario here is you stop talking to her
and texting her 100% until the trip, if that's possible. Again, you might be screwed. I don't
know if that's possible because you guys sound like you're planning the trip. But if there's
any way that you can not be planning the trip with her or be done with it as fast as possible,
so that you can completely let her go until the trip, then this is going to show her that you're
not needy and give you a better chance of her being more attracted to you. Because women are
going to try to chase you, theoretically, when you're not giving them attention. Now if she
doesn't chase you after that, then it's just dead and she's not interested. But spending more time
with her if you're in the friend-zone is not a way to get her attracted. I'm going to say this again,
because this is a really good point and it's very simple. If you're in the friend-zone spending more
time with her is not going to get her attracted to you. It won't. It's going to make it worse
because you're saying to her that you will give her your attention
for... or I should say you're giving her your attention and she doesn't have to give you her
sexual attention so then it's just a friendship and you're saying to her that that's okay.
But that's not okay. So what I would do, Julio is, like I said, if there's any possible way
you can stop talking to her until you get to the point where you guys go on this trip,
or if that's not possible, go on the trip with you and your friends, do not be trying to hit on her
go after her and then once the trip is over, you basically ghost her until she reaches out to you.
That could be a week, could be two weeks, could be three weeks,
and that's the risk you're gonna have to take. It's not reaching out to her until she reaches
out to you. What might happen? She may never reach out to you, maybe she's gonna think
that you just don't like her anymore. Then that's it, she was never that interested.
But if you spend all that time not reaching out to her and she does reach out to you,
then you're going to meet up with her again and you're going to go for a kiss again.
And if she doesn't reciprocate on that kiss, then I would be completely done and or tell her "hey,
listen, I'm just not interested..." And you say it in a non-needy way. You say just like straight
fact. Not like I'm upset, but straight fact like, "yeah, I'm just not interested in hanging out.
Unless this is something more than a friendship. So
yeah, I think we're done here." Or you can even say to her, "if you change your mind,
let me know." I honestly, even saying all this, I don't know if any of this is gonna work.
I try to help guys try to avoid the friend-zone because once you're in the friend-zone
it's like a woman sees you in a way she catches your behavior. This has been a big theme of this
episode. She catches your behavior as unattractive because you've been needy. Then she associates
neediness and unattractive behavior with you. And then it is very hard to unconvince her of that.
It's like, you need to have a lot of
more attractive behavior to overcome all that so she sees you in a new way.
That's why the best way to get out of the friend-zone is to ignore a girl for a while.