- Hey, David.
- Hey Crystal.
- Let's play a game.
- What game?
- Are you a toxic person?
- Oh, okay. Well how's it go.
- So, I'm going to tell you a situation
and then you tell me, what a toxic person would do.
We tried to do our best with research.
So we're not just like being total idiots
but we're not professionals.
We're just doing this for a good time.
- Don't come for us.
- Please.
(upbeat music)
- [Crystal] You're in a relationship
and your S.O. is suspicious
of how much time you spend (whispering)
talking to this other friend (laughing)
of the gender (whispering)
that you are attracted to. (whispering)
- I can have friends.
- Yes. This is, we are not toxic yet.
- Got it.
Sorry. I'm just, I'm trying to get in the mindset.
- What you're S.O. doesn't know is
that you actually have a tiny crush on this friend.
- Aw.
- [Crystal] So when they ask you,
you deny anything's happening
and you say, "why are you so insecure?
"Don't you trust me?"
You then go see your friend to hang out.
(chimes)
As you go to say hi with this friend
they confess their feelings to you.
(bells) (squeaking voices)
And then they kiss you.
- [David] Oh my god.
- [Crystal] Who to see you.
But your S.O.
- [David] Oh-oh!
- [Crystal] They come running and said,
"how dare you do this?
"I can't believe it."
and then (gurgling sound)
- Oh my God.
- A bee flew into their mouth.
- What?
- (laughs) A plot twist.
They're allergic to bees.
- They're gonna die.
(Crystal laughing)
This is a lot.
I think this has already toxic.
Is there more for me to do?
- [Crystal] They come back.
They didn't die
and they wake up
and they look at you and they say, "you cheating fuck."
What is the toxic thing to do here?
What?
- [David] You just saw nothing.
I Jedi mind.
Can I Jedi?
Do I have Jedi powers?
- Toxic people Jedis?
- Yes.
- That's what you assist.
- [David] Well, the first of all, let's talk about bees.
- [Crystal] And why did I swallow a bee?
Is because I saw you a kissin' them.
And I knew it and you're a liar.
And I want my Pete's Dragon discography back.
- What is that?
(Crystal laughing)
how the fuck am I supposed to get out of this?
I don't understand, nisus?
- [Crystal] You say "away", and kiss them.
But how am I supposed to know that?
You already lied about goin' to where you were gonna go.
- [David] I lied about where I was going?
- [Crystal] And then I swallowed a bee, listen.
- Listen (crystal laughing) I'm think,
I'm trying to get myself out of this hole.
But every time I looked
there's another hole that I'm falling
deeper into.
- And that's what toxicity does.
- I don't like this game.
What, what's the answer?
- It's called gaslighting.
- Uh-huh
- You angry with what has happened,
deny the entire situation,
because none of this is your fault.
And by making them feel crazy
you said that they had a bee fever dream
in which they made that entire scenario up.
You say, how dare they put all this blame on you?
When they were the ones being jealous in the first place.
And they were the ones who were following you,
without your consent
and that they were wrong.
Not you.
- I don't know if I'm suited for this.
- I mean, if you were a toxic, then that's easy.
- You guys, that's hard.
You guys that are toxic out there.
You guys are having a hard time
- Basically gaslighting people starts
with doing things, feeling justified
in them and not wanting to
take responsibility when they poorly affect other people.
- I see.
And it wasn't my fault.
It's all your fault.
- [Crystal] Yes.
- [David] You don't even, don't even.
You know what?
You're not even seeing me right now.
I'm not even here.
That's how much of a dream you're in
and I just fucking disappear. - This is a dream
And then you're just like, wiggle your arms
and go out of the hospital - [David] Yeah wiggle my arms.
- [Crystal] Going, "this is a dream"
- [David] And like, "this is a dream"
(cork popping sound)
- Okay, your best friend,
since middle school, moves away.
One day on your daily FaceTime
they tell you about their new friend.
Each time you talk, they have more to say
(drum beating)
about this new friend and you don't like it.
So you decide to check out this friend.
- [David] Yeah.
What me? Fuckin' amazing.
- Your best friend is blinded
because you're not there.
- They just forgot what awesome feels like.
- Yeah and you just need to make them see that.
- I try to find out something that they do,
that my friend hates.
And I'm like, look, they do the thing,
that you hate the most.
- And then your friend goes,
"Why are you being like this?"
You're being really jealous.
- [David] No, no.
- [Crystal] I don't like,
I don't know if we should talk anymore.
- I can't win this game.
- (Crystal laughing) You wanna know the answer?
- What's the answer?
- The answer is manipulation.
So pointing out their faults is not going to work out
because then they're just gonna think
that you're being jealous and insecure.
To manipulate somebody,
you have to inception them.
You have to be Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dive into their brains
and go and plant a little seed of,
this person sucks,
into their brain.
And they have to think
that they came up with that themselves.
Manipulative people, being you right now,
decide to add this new friend on social media
and start damning them, under the ruse of,
"Oh, you're my best friend's friend.
"I want to be your friend."
- This feels like so much.
- While you DM, you start instigating,
"oh, They said they didn't like the food you made yesterday.
Oh, but they didn't tell you that? Oops.
And that eventually results, over many months,
of things getting heated
and the two of them end up fighting.
All while you sound like an innocent bystander
and ready to accept your BFF
into your comforting BFF arms.
- [David] What?
How the hell was I supposed to figure that out?
(Crystal laughing)
This is like a quiz that has A, B and C,
but the answer was E.
- Okay, for toxic people,
everything is all about them.
They use other people to accomplish
whatever their goal happens to be.
So it doesn't matter what others want.
As long as you get what you want.
- Yeah. This is bad.
- [Crystal] You are a parent to a little baby boy.
- [David] Aw, a little baby.
- [Crystal] He comes home from school crying.
- What? Oh no.
- [Crystal] You know that the adult world can be cruel
and I'm tryin' to get them ready for that, right?
What is the toxic thing to do?
- [David} Sit 'em down
and I say, listen, stop that crying.
Strong men, get all the bitches.
More bitches you get,
(Crystal laughing) the less they bully you.
- [Crystal] He goes, "Okay dad, get bitches, get money.
- [David] That's my boy.
- Unfortunately, you're not that far off.
So the answer is,
toxic masculinity.
Grab them by the shoulders and you say, "Stop crying.
"Don't be weak. Men don't cry."
- Yeah, that sounds about what was done to me.
I knew that one.
- Damn.
The socialization of masculine ideals starts
at a very young age and actually defines ideal masculinity
as something that's related to toughness being stoic.
And that kind of stuff creates
a restriction of emotional expression
and ultimately give you emotionally stunted men.
(buzzer buzzes)
- Great. I won that one.
- You did.
See, you can win the game.
- I can win the game.
Only when it comes from real life experience trauma.
(Crystal laughing)
(cork popping sound)
- [Crystal] You have a coworker,
you go out with them after work
and then you notice them not drinking
and you're like, "Hey, why aren't you drinking?"
And they're like, "Back in my youth,
I once had a nonviolent DUI.
(sound of crash) (siren wailing)
And I decided I could've hurt someone
and I'm never going to drink again.
I'm like, huh.
Few months later,
you find out that you're up for a promotion.
- [David] Ah,
look at me. - [Crystal] Look at you.
Cool guy.
You're excited to share the news with your other coworkers.
And they say, I heard that
the one coworker that you had drinks with,
- [David] I'll destroy them.
They're up for the same promotion.
- [David] Really.
- What is the toxic thing to do here?
- Hit them with a bat.
- No, (laughing)
it is toxic, but it is assault.
- [David] Oh. I try to manipulate them
and tell them to get another job
because it's better
and they don't like this job anyway.
- (Crystal laughing) You're so wholesome.
- What's wrong with that.
- You mean talking to them?
- It's all because,
- and convincing them of their own aspirations?
- And also getting what I want.
Not because I'm nice.
- [Crystal] ♪You tried ♪
- Is that right?
- No.
The answer is gossip.
Your coworker says that,
and then you go well, they told me that they got a DUI.
A convicted felon works here.
Boss was listening the whole time.
- [David] Oh, it's not.
- That person gets fired.
- No, that makes sense.
It was like a riddle.
I was wondering what the DUI had to do with anything?
- I just so happened - There's all these rules
- to gossip about it.
- I swear, this is harder than just
- and it gets back to the boss
so that's not on you.
- I feel like there's all these little loops.
- You're like, I'm gossiping happens
when you're insecure, you feel threatened.
So you put people down with sensitive information.
Make yourself feel better
and other people worse and it's,
- With the precision of a freaking surgeon.
I got you.
(cork popping)
- You're a parent.
- [David] I'm a Papa again.
- You groomed this kid into a young man.
That's going to take over your business
in the Bermuda triangle.
- [David] How again? Crazy.
- [Crystal] Gettin' Bermuda triangle bitches.
It's a Bitch Emporium.
- [David] Oh yeah.
- You built this business from nothing.
They let you know dad, "I'm a man.
"I don't want to take over the Bitch Emporium.
I actually, very much value young women
and feel uncomfortable calling them bitches.
And I want to go away to college and study music."
- [David} I say, Oh, but all the Bitches.
- [Crystal] You feel empty inside.
- [David] I feel so empty.
- [Crystal] This is your only child.
- [David] You are my only child.
- [Crystal] And this is a huge slap in the face.
- [David] This is a huge slap in my face.
- [Crystal] What do you do?
What's toxic thing to do?
- [David] What's the toxic,
Oh, wait, you're telling me.
- Yeah. (laughing)
- Okay.
- He goes - I say, hey,
are you telling me,
that you are gonna be ungrateful and leave.
Not only leave me alone,
but leave this Bitch Emporium to crumble.
- I mean, you're not wrong.
You wanna know the answer.
- What?
- What you did, is called emotional blackmail.
- Ah ha!
Also been done to me.
- Oh no. Honey.
Put on your firmest sad face
and you pretty much tell them everything that you just said.
And then you pretty much use more emotional blackmail
by saying that you're going to becoming an alcoholic
and die from liver disease
and they're basically killing you
And wow, I didn't think I had a son that wanted me dead.
- That is excessive.
- That's toxicity.
You don't hesitate.
If you're toxic to pull on people's heart strings
and guilt trip to get what you want.
- Think I'm getting the hang of this.
- I think you got it.
This is the last one.
I think you can pull it through.
- I should do it.
- Do you want to script?
Are you asking me the next question?
Okay.
- Things haven't been going well for you.
Everything that could go wrong in your life has.
Bad grades, lost jobs, ended relationships.
Ew you suck.
I see your cousin, you grew up with,
for the first time in awhile.
- You're doing great honey.
- Mm-hm. I got this one.
I'm the best one.
You ask how they've been.
(Crystal laughing)
And they tell you everything's been fantastic.
Turns out everything you had going wrong for you,
is perfect and amazing for them.
Wow. This is going to rub it in your face.
- (Crystal laughing) Well they don't know.
- Wait?
Are they the toxic person?
- No. They don't know.
They're just, you asked how are you?
And they're like, "Great."
- [David] They were so mean to you as a child.
They don't deserve these things.
What do you do?
Do you know the answer?
- I mean obviously, I wrote the quiz.
- But I haven't seen the answer.
I'll try.
Let me see. Let me see.
- You wanna try?
- Yeah.
- You didn't look at the answer part?
- [David] No, no I didn't look.
I say, I take all their accomplishments
and I say, I am sarcastic about it.
I say, Oh,
you know,
oh, that's cool.
Oh, good for you.
I patronize them.
- [Crystal] You're getting it kid.
- [David] I patronize them.
I say, Oh, look at you, oh that's so good for you.
But you know it's nothing compared to what I've done.
- That's great.
What did you do?
- I'd make up a lie?
And I say that I am the CEO of the Bitches store
(Crystal laughing)
- You undermine and talk poorly of their views
and accomplishments and find any flaw to pick apart
and be passive aggressive about it.
See toxic people,
they don't like seeing other
people be happy when they're not happy.
So they then put other people down
and make themselves feel better.
- They just need help.
- Yeah. Basically.
- Did I win?
- I think we all lost.
Moral of the story.
Okay, everybody can be a little bit toxic.
So if you saw yourself,
in any of these, knowing your flaws is the first step
to taking the step to being the best you.
Also just because you knew the answer
doesn't mean you're toxic.
So if you are around a toxic person.
You just talk to a therapist or counselor about it.
- [David] Okay. We're done.
Bye. You have to say bye.
- [Crystal] (laughing) Bye.