Hey everyone, and welcome to TopThink.
Today, we are going to learn about how to master small talk as an introvert.
Now, let’s begin.
1.
Extinguishing Guilt Introverts often feel like they’re bothering
someone by starting up a conversation.
You hesitate to introduce yourself, because you’re worried about annoying or boring
them.
You might even feel like you’re holding them hostage.
This can easily cripple your confidence.
The guilt of wasting their time can consume your thoughts.
The conversation ultimately suffers, because you’re convinced they’d rather be somewhere
else.
More often than not, this kind of guilt is completely imaginary.
Say you’re at a networking event.
You see someone standing alone in the corner.
What are they thinking about?
How do you think they’re feeling?
Introverts tend to assume they’re the only nervous, awkward, or inexperienced people
in the room.
To you, that person in the corner may seem confident and intimidating.
But put yourself in their shoes for a second.
If you were standing alone in the corner, would you feel confident?
No, you’d probably feel worried or restless.
You might be hoping someone will make an effort to come talk to you.
By starting up a conversation, you can be that person for them.
Chances are, they’re here to meet new people just like you are.
So don’t feel like you’re forcing them into anything.
If you see someone standing alone, a conversation could be the answer to both your problems.
2.
Valuing Triviality Small talk is more than just useless chatter.
If you’re an introvert, you might be rolling your eyes, but it’s true.
Small talk seems pointless to you, because that isn’t how introverts like to communicate.
It isn’t deep or meaningful.
You don’t really learn much about a person or form lasting bonds.
Most of the time, you forget what you even talked about.
But that doesn’t mean it’s pointless.
It helps to think about any social relationship like a fire.
Obviously, the goal is build a fire that’s tall and warm, but you can’t just light
up a random chunk of wood.
In the same way, you can’t start a conversation by jumping straight into heavy stuff.
Before you lay on the logs, you need something smaller to get your fire going.
Those vague, forgettable questions are the little sticks or scraps of paper you use to
turn your spark into a flame.
You need that simple foundation to build the first bits of camaraderie and trust.
So don’t treat small talk like a shallow excuse for a conversation.
It isn’t meant to replace deeper connections, just like those little sticks can’t replace
a log.
Each plays an important role in your social life.
To master small talk, set your complaints aside and find the value in triviality.
3.
Honing Objectives Before you start a conversation, figure out
why it matters to you.
Decide what you’d like to get out it.
Do you want to make a good first impression?
Are you trying to learn more people’s names?
Maybe you just want to work up the courage to say hello?
It doesn’t matter what objective you choose as long as it gives you a reason to be there.
Objectives give introverts a much-needed sense of structure.
When you know what you’re working toward, you can plan out exactly how you’ll get
there.
Think of it like any other item on your to-do list.
The goal is to simply cross it off.
This strategy mitigates one of the biggest fears introverts have about small talk.
After you’ve said “hi” and “how are you,” what happens next?
Is there just awkward silence?
How do you keep the conversation going?
And how do you know when it stops?
Normally, it’s difficult to tell, but objectives give you clear-cut boundaries.
You know that when you complete your objective, your job is done.
You can feel accomplished and proud, because you did exactly what you set out to do.
4.
Directing Anxiety It’s common for introverts to get anxious
any time small talk is on the table.
You worry about messing up.
You’re hyper-aware of every potentially stupid thing you do or say.
You’re certain everyone can immediately tell how much you hate being there.
So how can you keep your small talk anxiety under control?
The key is to learn where to direct those negative feelings.
We often make the mistake of attributing our nerves to our environment.
When you’re feeling quiet and jittery, it’s tempting to blame the situation.
You make the excuse that formal settings just make you anxious.
Or maybe you blame the people.
You aren’t talking to anyone, because this just isn’t your crowd.
But the truth is, you’re anxiety doesn’t come from anything on the outside.
It comes from your own thoughts and beliefs.
It’s your interpretation of your environment that’s making you anxious.
Imagine you’re at an office party.
You might fly solo, because you think everyone is more outgoing or interesting than you.
They aren’t really, but it’s difficult to set aside those anxious thoughts.
You might go into every interaction thinking you’re the least interesting person in the
room.
Luckily, with a bit of practice, you can learn to reliably separate your nerves from your
environment.
5.
Repeating History Many introverts have one or two bad experiences
with small talk looming over their heads.
Whenever you’re in a similar situation, you might think about how badly it went last
time.
You’re so worried about history repeating itself that you enter each conversation with
a preconceived notion of how it’s going to go.
If you assume it’ll be uncomfortable or disappointing, it probably will be.
The success of any social interaction relies primarily on your attitude.
It changes your speech and body language, which drastically affect how other people
react.
If you expect the worst, you’re less willing to be open and engaged.
Your expectations will show whether you like it or not.
History will start repeating itself, but only because you let it.
By changing your attitude, you get a fresh start.
The beauty of small talk is that you have nearly infinite chances to reinvent yourself.
There will always be new people to talk to.
New conversations to start.
Even if you make a bad first impression, you can try again.
No one will think they know everything about you from five minutes of small talk.
There’s plenty of room to undo past mistakes, so don’t let your history bring you down.
6.
Strategic Rewards Sometimes you need a little push to get through
an evening of small talk.
If you find yourself constantly eyeing the door, come up with a reward system.
As an introvert, you might be wishing you were sitting at home.
Normally, you’d be immersed in a book, game, or hobby.
Instead, you’re stuck at a party, surrounded by complete strangers.
You could just leave, but would that really solve the problem?
If you bail without talking to at least one person, you’ll be frustrated with yourself
for the rest of the night.
So what should you do?
Use the things you do like to accomplish the things you don’t.
Tell yourself that you can only spend the night doing your favorite activities if you
talk to at least two people.
You’ll feel way more motivated to take action, because you’re excited about what comes
next.
But this only works if you use punishments when necessary.
If you don’t talk to anyone, you can’t treat yourself anyway.
You’d be training yourself to fail on purpose.
Ideally, you want to find a system of rewards and punishments that fit your unique personality.
For some people, it’s going to their favorite restaurant.
For others, it’s a quiet evening with a good book.
Think about what you enjoy most, and let those passions help you step outside your comfort
zone.
7.
Stop Awfulizing Some introverts run away from small talk,
because they awfulize every conversation before it starts.
They don’t just picture the worst-case scenario.
They imagine a complete catastrophe.
They create so much fear and anxiety that they couldn’t start a conversation if they
wanted to.
But these exaggerated scenarios are always unrealistic.
You rarely realize how impossible they are, since you don’t stop to think about them
logically.
You let your emotions control your behavior.
When you feel scared, your brain automatically pictures the scariest version of whatever
you’re doing.
A brief conversation with your boss can quickly turn into something way worse.
It might feel like your entire livelihood is at stake.
If you do something wrong, could you get fired?
Would your entire future go down the drain?
Of course not, but it’s challenging to escape those swirling feelings of negativity.
The easiest solution is walk yourself through the real worst case scenario.
Lay it out, step by step.
If you are quiet and awkward, what would your boss actually do or say?
There might be an awkward silence.
Your boss might wonder if something’s wrong.
They might tease you for acting so timid.
And that’s it.
It’s never the horrible disaster you imagined.
And it never will be.
8.
Reinvent Your Approach Small talk doesn’t have to feature the same
recycled questions.
In fact, most people would welcome the opportunity to talk about something new.
They’ve rambled about their job and the weather a hundred times.
A new approach will peak their interest.
They’re more like to invest in the conversation, because they have to give less generic answers.
For an introvert, that also means you’re less likely to get bored.
Even if you don’t dive below the surface, you might grow to love these little glimpses
into people’s personalities.
Some introverts aim to learn as much as they can in as few words as possible.
You may not stick around for very long, but the shortest conversations can have the biggest
impact.
Thank you for watching TopThink, and be sure to subscribe, because more incredible content
is on the way.