G'day, A.J. Mahari here borderline personality and splitting is it your
fault when the person that you're with or you know in whatever relationship
type splits why do they split what is borderline splitting I've done several
videos on this already so you can make up your own mind if you'd rather hear
from somebody who's had BPD fully recovered from BPD knows what it's like
to split well having BPD work with clients for 30 years about this and how
and I'm the ex of two people two partners who had quiet BPD splitting and
BPD why would I know anything about that right mm-hmm well I know it inside out
anyway what a lot of loved ones want to know a lot of partners want to know a
lot of parents have been told childhood PPD wanted to know what everybody wants
to know who's got anybody with borderline personality disorder in their
life wants to know is it my fault they split did I do something that I caused
that well the answer is no and then it's like was there anything I could do so
that they wouldn't split so that this wouldn't happen the answer again is
unfortunately no there isn't anything you can do which I really covered I've
really covered this here on this channel but I think it deserves some repeating
so the thing is people with BPD are not
little two-year-old children okay like you might see a picture have a little
two-year-old child crying that's it's not that simplistic people at BPD have
in them this core moodiness this law not not lost lack of self arrested emotional
development by the age of two yes before or by the age of two does that mean that
forever two years old no what a simplistic view a lot of people out
there struggling to try to explain something they just really don't know
anything about but hey you make up your mind who you want to
get your information from by all means so it doesn't mean that the person with
BPD is this a crying baby a two-year-old know when they get
triggered they might age your dress but it's
triggered to dysregulated emotion which means too much emotion they don't know
how to cope with which means pain that is driving the emotion that they might
not understand will they often unless until they've had significant treatment
a lot of treatment will they often think that pain was caused by you or the
person closest to them in a situation any situation for any reason whatsoever
absolutely because they externalize it because they have to defend against it
so what is a trigger for a person with BPD well I have another video out there
for people with PPE on my channel here and it's called triggers are the gateway
to recovery in BPD so C triggers are really important but when you're with
somebody who has BP or around somebody or close to somebody with BPD well the
triggers are from their childhood woundedness an adverse experience it's
not even necessarily about a sensitive temperament although that played a role
in early childhood development they got arrested before or by the age of two so
what's important to know about this every time some of your BPD is triggered
to emotional dysregulation around you a it's not your fault B there's nothing
you can do about it and C you can't really help them with it and indeed they
don't really understand it so this becomes one of the really huge puzzle
pieces to why these relationships are often impossible codependents are trying
to oh I last time they got triggered they did I did that I said so I'll try
not to do or say that ever again that won't work now they're triggered
and they're either really angry upset or they're giving you the silent treatment
and they're withdrawing and you're like well uh what did I do what I do with
nothing in particular you know it's not that
simple so when a person is triggered what is it with BPD what does it really
mean it means that they are reappearing something in a highly dissociative way
that is intensely an intense overload of emotion suddenly out of nowhere as far
as the person would be experiencing it experiences it and so these triggers
these reactions are within people with BPD they are developed and and the
reason they're in people with BPD to be so triggered what these triggers are is
the wounds that were laid down when in young childhood needs weren't met
attachment was insecure or was an unhealthy bond because it could be
totally interrupted no attachment interrupted attachment but it's using
much more than merely insecure attachment but it's not secure
attachment and they lose themselves to this so it is from the adverse childhood
experience and the wounding the abandonment wound which brings with it a
shame wound as as it does for codependence as well but to a lesser
degrees right so the arrested emotional development by before by the age of two
does not mean they're two years old every time they're triggered and
emotions is regulated acting interacting out creating chaos and drama and all
that stuff and you don't know why and you don't understand you don't know
what's going on and so some people might call that really irrational and then
they tend to kind of point to women more and maybe they'll even say something
like it's hysterical I don't know I had even clients referred to it that way and
it's not really that either and so what it is that I know experiences when I had
BPD and I came back when I had BPD I was diagnosed in 1975 and recovered in 1990
fully the thing about that is the trigger there was no such word as a
trigger nobody described it that way but what I know what happened to me and I
didn't know what was happening to me was that
somebody would say something or something would happen and you know just
in the course of what was ever going on in that then and now like here now then
and I would just feel a lot at I'm all of a sudden of emotion and pain and I
didn't know why I didn't know where it was coming from and yes I would turn to
the person closest to me and figure that somehow they did it and I'm you know
that was just part because when you have BPD and when I had it I you know and
then and then you go and you try to figure it out but you can't really
because you associate it's associative right people get triggered close to you
and and then there might be repetitive ways they get triggered close to you
that it's not your fault but they're gonna associate you with it with with
the feelings and everything that happens after to the point that yes they we if
you try to talk to them about it they really don't know how to explain it and
next thing you know yes they're going to be blaming you but it's not like they're
blaming you in a conscious on purpose way they just really don't know what it
is and so they've sternal eyes a lot of things because they're defending
themselves and so it gets externalized onto you but it's not your fault you
didn't cause the trigger and there's nothing you can do to stop it it's like
I've been asked this question and I have video up on this and many videos up on
this topic in general you know why does the splitting cycle cease I'll put a few
of them in cards up here for you if you're interested and and why do people
split into value and what does that mean and do they ever really realized I've
covered all this ground ages ago but I don't mind recovering it again because I
think I can do that in a way for people that resonate and one watch my videos
you watch other people's videos hopefully I'm gonna give you a deeper
explanation that makes more sense to you and the other thing about this is when
so when they're triggered this is really key okay because a lot of people are
saying this out there writing on blogs they're not getting it right people at
BPD can talk about it and they're not even getting it really to the point of
it's yep all right and understanding so when
a person is triggered it's not your fault it's not it's it's based on
something in the here and now but it that's not because it's the reaction it
it because they hear now suddenly they're triggered back to something from
the past there's a level of dissociation with that it buries four triggers
strengths of triggers each person with BPD so the dissociation kicks in and
then they are really unable to tell what's happening so what's happening the
repetition compulsion cycles of repeated feelings and and and often pain and
panic and and it's not understood where it's coming from and then they just
react and defend and or come right at you you know verbally or whatever
because you're associated with it because you're close to them when it
happened just as somebody who wanted them in childhood was very close to them
when this sort of triggers were laid down for lack of a better way to put it
so what does dissociation done it can sometimes confuse your memory of events
in logical order it's not usually a reason that they would forget what
happened and the other thing about people that when they split and their
trigger to dysregulated emotion they're not all two year old children at that
point in time at all that is so incorrect so simplistic and
anybody 14 that really doesn't know what they're talking about that's clear
because it because the arrested emotional development happened at the
age of two does not mean everything goes back to the age of two I mean some
things could but not all triggered dysregulated emotion with dissociation
equals were age progression not all not always so if it's a very severe trigger
then there can be that huge amount of pain all of a sudden or panic or
whatever person feels with BPD and the next thing you know there is
dissociation and they are experiencing that and that's really scary I know
because I've been through this fully recovered but I've been through this and
I know what that was like to experience and then the next thing is sometimes
it's that and that's pretty bad all by itself and and the other thing is
sometimes it will include age regression but age regression even doesn't always
mean a person is age regressing back to two years of age that's just ridiculous
it could be it could be even further back than that where the pain is
actually coming from but the person goes back to being in a trigger dysregulated
dissociative if there's age regression accompanying all of that they will be
more childlike but you can't necessarily afix
a certain age on that it's very individual and it depends what the
triggers are and it depends where the triggers go back to in them I hope that
helps you understand a little bit more and also that there is nothing you can
do as their mood shift as they might not necessarily go from idealization to a
devaluation split but you might just see radical mood shifts and changes that are
away from Baystate of emotion but aren't necessarily all the way to triggered or
dysregulated or dissociative and/or when it includes age regression which it
doesn't always and doesn't go back to the age or to necessary at all or some
crying baby it's just not the way it is it can be that way at times but it is
not a global statement it's not accurate it is just it's just not accurate in
more cases than not so the other point I just want to make about this is that
there isn't anything you can do to change you didn't cause the trigger you
can't help the trigger you can't really soothe the person with BPD because
they're going to externalize it or internalize it and take space from you
or ghost you but they're going to that they're going to externalize it or like
I said or internalize it but that means that they are going to believe you're
the source of it because they just don't understand the source of it and there's
Association attached so that doesn't make it all okay but but I want you to
understand that and understand it's not your fault and there's nothing
do to change it and then if you try to sue them after or too soon after you can
just retreat well not you don't return them but they could be retriggered again
and so and people PP can't be soothed by other people though they're looking for
it though they need it again that's something you have to go to therapy for
to learn how to find yourself to soothe yourself so that's another issue with
all this but in the border line splitting cycles you know it's not so
simplistic as they just you know okay they're triggered just regulate emotion
but then they're not necessary crying baby in front of you at all there can be
many different ages and stages of childhood that they get triggered back
to and they don't understand what's happening for them especially if they're
untreated so it's really important to know it's not your fault and there's
nothing you can do when it's happening you need to take care of yourself you're
not responsible for it this is where people at DPD needs to learn and if they
don't go to treatment and get substantial and a lot of treatment
they're putting the onus on you as if it's your fault as if you should do
something differently no don't buy that it this is one of the big puzzle pieces
splitting and and why it happens and how they get triggered and then what happens
and around and around in all these episodes that they have and people
always you know that are next yeah they tend to thrust it out externally because
they're in abject terror of a motion that they don't understand and they
can't regulate and yes they don't know how to cope with and so I'm not saying
I'm not excusing that and how painful it is for others this is one of the big
giant puzzle pieces though of confusion for people and of what often makes
relationships with people with borderline personality impossible
because you can't rescue them you can't fix it can't change it you don't cause
the triggers you can't soothe the reaction because if
you try to do anything when somebody's actively triggered with BPD they're
gonna just get more triggered and it's not because of you but just they're
already inner triggered and maybe just sociate of state and
just gonna bring up more and more of what's happening for them and it's going
to thrust them back into what they re experiencing of something from childhood
that they don't know what it is necessary because it's very subconscious
unless and until a tremendous amount of treatment really going the deeper work
getting closer to full recovery than just stopping the work and like some
people peepee magically think they only have four traits because they say so and
then they think so therefore I don't have BPD it's not that simple
there is deeper work to do but so for loved ones are people with BPD around I
mean I mean not with but were close to somebody with BPD the triggers aren't
your fault you can't stop that's why you're walking on eggshells because
you're trying not to trigger them you think you're triggering them you're not
triggering them but it's like when they get triggered and all this stuff happens
then you're like okay well what did I do you're trying to figure out did I do
something because if I did I don't want to do that again just know people with
BP are responsible for all of that but it takes years in therapy to figure it
all out so you can't rescue and can't help and can't change them can't fix
them you don't cause the triggers you can't soothe the triggers
you can't rescue them out of it you can't change their mood states I hope
that helps you understand better borderline splitting take care