It is incredibly disappointing
that we are a full year into coronavirus
and we still cannot socialize normally.
And a lot of people thought that the end was in sight
two months ago, you know, when the vaccines were approved.
But if you've been having a hard time
getting a coronavirus vaccine,
congratulations again on being basic,
because it turns out there are millions of Americans
in the same boat.
Here in the U.S.,
injection plans are entangled in red tape,
a confusing patchwork of eligibility rules
and poor communications.
NEWSMAN: The country's war against coronavirus
waged as 50 separate battles,
each state now with its own vaccination strategy.
NEWSWOMAN: Local and state officials say
the real problem is supply.
Governors angry that reserve doses promised
by the federal government are unavailable.
They were lying. They don't have any doses held back.
NEWSMAN 2: Unpredictable allocations are causing delays
and confusion across the country.
NEWSMAN 3: At its current pace,
California won't vaccinate even half its residents
until Thanksgiving.
New York's vaccine supply crisis-- that's escalating, too.
The opening of sites at Citi Field, at Yankee Stadium,
Staten Island's Empire Outlets,
that's now all on hold because of the shortage.
NEWSWOMAN 2: In West Virginia,
25,000 extra vaccine doses never showed up.
If you can buy a vape pen on every corner in Los Angeles,
you should be able to get a vaccine, frankly,
in every gas station.
Yeah, you know what,
that doctor is 100% right.
Gas stations should offer vaccines
and not just for corona.
They should give you a vaccine for everything you pick up
from the bathroom key.
But I don't know that this is really a surprise, guys.
I mean, we should have seen this coming
back when Popeyes ran out of chicken.
If America can't handle sandwich distribution,
what chance do they have with a vaccine?
So, look, there was no way
that the vaccine rollout was gonna go smoothly.
I mean, everything with COVID has been a horror movie.
Why would the end of the horror movie be any different?
If a killer spent 90 minutes stabbing people,
he's not gonna suddenly come out in the final scene like,
"I just realized something.
"What I really need to kill
are my insecurities."
So, the federal government is having trouble
getting vaccine doses to the states,
and states are having trouble
getting them to health care providers.
But even once vaccines are available,
people who need them are having way too hard a time
getting to them.
If you have been able to get a COVID vaccine,
maybe you should go play the Powerball,
because you are extremely lucky.
That's because, around the country,
people are trying to get the shot and are being met
with crashing websites, long lines,
canceled appointments, and shortages.
NEWSWOMAN 2: In Houston, a call center for making
vaccine appointments crashed.
At one point, it received about 250,000 calls
for only 750 available slots.
NEWSWOMAN 3: One big concern-- that making an appointment
depends too much on technology.
Research shows only 60%
of those 75 and older use the Internet.
I feel like I'm in a maze with no open doors.
NEWSMAN: From Texas to Tennessee to Florida,
people waiting in lines for hours for a shot.
NEWSMAN 2: In Daytona, Florida, some senior citizens
spent the night in their cars.
WOMAN: This is the most insane thing. No Porta Potties.
And there are three people working the entire line.
We're not teenagers. We're talking about 75 and seniors.
No, guys. This is unacceptable.
The only time a senior citizen should be in a car
for nine hours is when they're trying
to make a left turn in front of you, and that's it.
And I feel bad for a lot of old people
because they can't figure out how to make appointments
on these complicated websites.
which means it's going to be super awkward for some of them
because they're gonna have to get back in touch
with their estranged children.
Hello, my son.
I've decided to accept you for who you are.
Yeah, I know. I know.
Now bring your gay laptop over here
and help me make a vaccine appointment.
And what makes all of this even more frustrating is,
while most vaccination sites don't have enough doses,
it turns out there are some that have too many.
Wasting valuable vaccine doses it is a problem
that understandably has officials concerned.
NEWSMAN: In some places across the country,
leftover doses have been thrown out,
doses that could have been given to anyone wishing
to get vaccinated, but not yet eligible to get the shot
because they don't fit the demographic criteria.
Health care workers here in Massachusetts were just forced
to throw doses out.
That's because people aren't showing up
for their appointments, and the vaccine is going bad.
NEWSWOMAN 2: Regular guy David McMillan
randomly got a Moderna shot at A D.C. grocery store
when first responders missed their appointment.
NEWSWOMAN 3: Healthy 26-year-old was in a Brooklyn clinic
for a coronavirus test and was told
there was one vaccine dose left for anyone who wanted it.
There was no one there. I mean, they were about
to close the clinic for the day. It was my arm or the garbage.
This is wild, people.
You've got 75-year-olds waiting overnight in their cars,
and then you've got 26-year-olds stumbling into a vaccine
because someone missed their appointment.
Which, by the way, raises the question--
who is missing an appointment for a COVID vaccine?
What else are these people doing?
Are there really people out there who are like,
"I mean, sure, I have a vaccine appointment
"at 3:00 p.m., but I also have
this cat birthday party I'm supposed to go to so..."
And look, I don't mean to be a hater,
but could the scientists not make vaccines
that don't go bad this fast?
I mean, it's the most advanced technology on Earth,
but then, at the same time, they age like avocados?
Hey, I just cut open an avocado.
Would you like some?
You know what?
Too late. It's rotten now.
Now, it may not surprise you
that the problems with the vaccine rollout
are not affecting everyone equally.
It's a basic fact of life that people with money
can too often jump to the head of the line,
and it turns out, COVID vaccines are no different.
It's been difficult for a lot of people to get a vaccine
because of the shortage in doses,
so some are getting desperate,
trying to find the vaccine on the black market.
NEWSWOMAN 2: Doctors in Los Angeles are being offered
up to $25,000 in exchange for early access to the vaccine.
NEWSMAN: This cyber security expert uncovered these ads
on the dark web-- COVID vaccines available.
This one for $500, this one, $1,000,
even offering overnight delivery.
Some wealthy and well-connected people
are trying to cut the line.
In Florida, officials are investigating reports
that a luxury assisted living facility offered
and vaccinated its board members
and wealthy donors out of turn.
NEWSMAN 2: Since Florida does not require
people seeking vaccines
to be U.S. citizens or even Florida residents,
it's led to some visitors coming from abroad to get vaccinated.
Critics call it "vaccine tourism."
NEWSWOMAN 3: There is evidence a dozen wealthy Argentinians
traveled to Miami to get their shots.
One Argentine TV personality posted video on Instagram
showing her elderly mother getting vaccinated.
Oh, man, this is not where America wants to be.
It's so poorly run that people from other countries
are just waltzing in, plundering its resources and leaving.
Ha, ha! Not so much fun when it happens to you, Senor Bitch.
But, look, I'm not surprised
that the wealthy are finding a way to game the system.
I will say, I'm not really sure
that these people should be trusting a black market vaccine
that they found on the dark web.
Thank you so much... Wait. Hold on.
Is "vaccine" supposed to be spelled with a "K"?
Hey! Do you want vakkakine or not?
So, there's no denying
that the vaccine distribution is going badly
for a whole host of reasons, but it does not have to be this way,
because America has a history of mass vaccination programs,
and it turns out, they've been pretty successful in the past.
NEWSWOMAN: For centuries,
the smallpox virus ravaged the globe,
so when a new outbreak hit New York in April of 1947,
city officials launched an urgent offensive,
vaccinating more than six million people
in less than a month.
Vaccination stations were set up
in all municipal hospitals and clinics,
every police precinct station house
and in private factories and offices.
NEWSMAN: The idea that you could vaccinate six million people
in that short period of time is stunning.
It's an absolute public health triumph
that they were able to do this.
They saved thousands of lives.
At the current time,
probably the government doesn't have the kind
of public health infrastructure
that they would need to be able to do this.
Okay, honestly, guys? That is a little embarrassing.
America can barely get its vaccination program
off the ground, but in 1947,
New York managed to vaccinate six million people in a month.
And, sure, it was easier
to vaccinate six million people back then.
There wasn't shit else to do, you know?
There was radio and, like, three TV channels.
Getting stabbed with a needle was the most exciting thing
you could do with your day.
But the point is
that America had the infrastructure
and the health care system to handle such a huge task.
Although, it was 1947,
so that means everything still had cocaine in it.
Hey! You want a vaccine? Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Who needs a vaccine? Everybody got a vaccine? All right.
I'm gonna go grab more of those sodas that make me happy.
And while it might be depressing to see that things are worse now
than they were 70 years ago, it also shows you
what America is capable of when it rises to the challenge.
So, America, I say to you now, let's learn from the past.
In fact, you know what?
I'm going to travel back in time to the 1940s
when things were better with vaccinations
and pick up some pointers.
(beep)
(whoosh)
They called me the "N" word.