But also, I'm looking at you.
The guy behind is looking at me,
he's like, "I didn't know Robin
"Williams and Jerry Springer had
"a boy."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
That just don't make no sense.
Also, why I've got a southern accent
right now don't make no sense.
It's the only one I got.
I was working in England,
and I was telling them this,
and they're like, "hey, it's OK.
"You still look like Freddy Krueger."
(audience laughing)
Do I look like all the ugly people?
I think the last show I did,
five people told me ugly people they
think I look like.
Is that true?
One guy, "you look like Rod Stewart."
He's 105.
Why would you say that to me?
"You look a little like that Crypt
"Keeper."
(audience laughing)
Terrible.
(audience laughing)
How did you get drunk in the
Dry Bar, Ma'am?
I do not.
I'm glad you're trying to be nice.
But pick someone I look anything
like.
(audience laughing)
Tom Cruise?
And by the way, I'm not asking you
to yell out people I look like right
now if that's OK.
Well, I had a girl come up to me
and say, "you kind of look
"like the ugly Ellen."
(audience laughing)
I know.
That is so mean to her.
I don't mind.
Oh my gosh,
I was in Vegas, and this woman--
I was doing this thing last June
my agent set up--
comes up, she goes,
"You know who you look like?
"You look like that Brad Pitt."
I was like, what?
She goes, "in the first 30 minutes
"of Benjamin Button."
(audience laughing)
Is that mean?
That's mean.
(audience laughing)
But thank you for trying to be nice.
It's very nice, even though you're
way off.
But you just had to pick somebody
good looking and think it'd stick.
I was at Walmart--
OK, this is weird, not that I was
at Walmart.
Although, I am a little sketchy
about going to Walmart, but anyway,
it's OK.
Walmart, it's weird how you go
to Walmart, some of the times
you see people,
you see stretch pants and tube tops,
and that's men.
So anyway, but the important thing
is this was Walmart.
I'm walking with a cart at Walmart,
and a guy runs up he goes, "hey,
"oh my gosh, you're Bill Gates."
And I said, in Walmart,
(audience laughing)
Bill Gates?
That's the only joke I have there--
in Walmart,
Bill Gates.
We are not a bright people.
That you have to understand.
Would we agree-- don't put
the camera on anybody--
would we agree
that half the United States is not
that bright?
(audience applauding)
Yeah, I mean look,
I'm looking out at you,
and a lot of you
don't look that bright.
I'm not going to lie to you.
(audience laughing)
And if you're mad at me right now,
you just picked your team.
(audience laughing)
But we'll do this.
In America, we will drive
to the McDonald's, and some kid 19,
they'll leave the pickle
off the hamburger.
We'll scream at them like they
murdered our families.
If we had a stick,
we would beat people to death
over cheese.
And our kids are out there, "get them
"Dad!
"Get them!
"I said nuggets!
"I want nuggets!"
Calm down.
Your life ain't that bad if this is
your problem.
And let me give you a very useful
tip.
You drive to the McDonald's
and think your order is going to be
right, you're the idiot.
(audience laughing)
I know.
(audience applauding)
If someone works at McDonald's
that gets 10 orders right in a row,
they become district manager.
(audience laughing)