I hate to quote Hannah Montana here, but it is true.
Everybody makes mistakes;
and if you think there's someone in your life who doesn't make mistakes,
they're either way better at hiding it than you
or they've got some pretty big ones coming later in their life.
I mess up quite a lot,
and I kind of wear those mistakes on my sleeve
because I feel incredible guilt about them
but they have built part of my identity.
In the past when I've made mistakes, I've tended to beat myself up a lot,
and channel it into self hatred.
Additionally, most of mine stem from alcohol,
which is like adding the cherry to the top of a really shit cake.
I think its weird that we assume most people are pretty pure
in that they don't,
I think everyone fucks up a lot,
but hating yourself doesn't help anyone.
It doesn't help you make amends and it doesn't help you progress.
Your repentance can only get you so far.
So, in my... extensive experience, on making mistakes,
I'm gonna give you some advice on how to deal with when you mess up.
Be curious about yourself.
Ask yourself and reflect on why you may have made that mistake
'cause I feel that mistakes either stem out of carelessness,
or a really strong emotion, and you may not even realise that you're feeling that way.
or, you may not have fully processed what has caused you to take that action
that has ended up damaging something, or a relationship or upset someone.
So, I think the best thing you can do is look inwards and kind of say, "hey, what, why, why did I do that?"
and when you do take a step back and have a look at yourself,
you're actually able to empathise with yourself more, and that can really reduce the capacity for self hatred,
which I think stems out of blanket statements like "i'm in the wrong, they're in the right"
"i've been terrible, they're been great and good", "i've got a problem, I'm nasty"
like, these massive generalisations that you make when you're angry and sad and feeling guilty, they're not true.
Which actually leads me onto my next point, which is that you are not a terrible person,
and the fact that you've realised, recognised that you've made a mistake,
you may have searched for this video, you may have come across this,
the fact that you feel guilt shows that you're not terrible.
'cause if you made a mistake and you were a terrible person, you wouldn't even realise you'd made the mistake.
You do hundreds of good things every week, and then you mess up once every six months
and you feel like you've fucked it.
You feel like everything's gone wrong, and that those mistakes define you
and your mistakes don't define you, all the good things you do every day define you.
and at the end of the day, we're human, and we do disintegrate into sadness and fear and anger and act on those things.
and although its bad, and we shouldn't do it, we do,
and that's okay.
If you feel able to talk to people about the mistake you made, talk to people.
It has helped me immensely to reach out to friends and family and ask them their opinion on things
and to see their perspective, because when I'm in that place of guilt and anger and disappointment at myself
I find it very hard to get out of my own head.
And so, speaking to new people, and getting other people's opinions on stuff,
or just getting their support, or their criticism, arguably that can help as well sometimes,
but getting other people's perspectives is really, really beneficial.
As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved.
The next part, arguably the most important part, is assess how you can try and fix things.
You're not going to be able to fix things, you have to accept that straight away,
that there is no quick fix if you've made a mistake that's googling this video for.
You've got to wait it out, but, there will be things you can do,
and hopefully, if you care, you will do everything in your power to try and amend stuff.
Do what you can to fix things and also show someone you're sorry,
so that could be sending them flowers, that could be actually apologising,
always, always apologise.
Also, the amending may not make you feel better, they may not forgive you,
like, you have to accept that you're doing this because you care, but they don't have to respond to it.
You're doing what you can, and that's good enough, but you have fucked up.
Just find peace with the idea that it will take time, because forgiveness is a process.
And whilst all this is happening, do practical things that make you feel better.
so for me, a big part of that was finding therapy, because I knew there was stuff going on under the bonnet
that was causing me to make -again, another point I'll come onto- but similar mistakes, every time.
[stuttering]
and there was something going on that by looking after myself,
I was able to seek compassion within myself, forgive myself for being an idiot,
but also kind of get to the bottom of it and see if there was something I could do more.
And then, moving forward again, you may make the same mistake multiple times.
Lots of people do, its okay.
There seems to be this big, like, idea in society that, that people who make mistakes are really like, sinful,
and then also that, you should always learn from the first time?
And actually, that doesn't always happen. You do learn a lot from every mistake you make,
but sometimes it takes a couple of times for that to really process.
I'm not saying that's a good thing, but it is a fact of life.
Don't dwell on it.
Like, once you've done everything you can to make amends,
there's no point just sitting there and feeling like shit.
So go out, distract yourself, go see people, keep yourself busy
because ultimately, sitting on your bum in your bed and crying about it doesn't help anyone.
And it actually just makes you feel worse.
This one is a little but harder, but there are going to be people who judge you for your mistake,
and people who were hurt by your mistake, and people who don't want to be your friend anymore,
or people who just dislike you because they heard it in the rumour mill or whatever.
That is just something you have to accept.
Once you've made peace with that idea, move forward from it,
because there are plenty of people out there who know you as a full, whole person
who know that that was just a mistake that you made, and that's okay,
and they see you for all the good things that you do as well.
So while you may have lost one or two people through something you did that was wrong,
and you're learning from it.
there are a hundred people out there who still really like you, and forgive you and are empathetic.
Again, did you say sorry? Because if you haven't said sorry, say sorry, say it multiple times.
Not too much, don't freak 'em out, but apologise, because they are owed that apology.
Your pride shouldn't factor into it.
And do try and learn from your mistakes. That's very, very, very important.
I'm very much of the mindset that most humans are born good, everyone's born good,
and that people have genuinely got the desire to be kind and be good people.
And so I don't think, I don't know, if you're watching this video you probably don't do things out of malicious intent.
I think that's like everything I've learned about making mistakes,
They suck. It sucks to feel like you've done something wrong,
and to feel the guilt and the shame and the embarrassment, but, you can't avoid it.
There will be times in your life when you feel that way
and you have to forgive yourself, do what you can and move forward.
As I've got older I realise I kind of take a "good goal" role,
I put so much pressure on myself to be really good and really controlled all the time,
and then I find that when I'm in an unhealthy mental place, I just explode,
and then out of anger and out of frustration and stress, I just do dumb things.
And like, so ultimately, taking care of myself is the best way for me to stop making the same mistakes again.
Remember, everything happens in little, like, pockets, y'know?
Maybe your life will suck for a month, but that's a month of your life. You have a long life.
Right now it may seem like the biggest thing that you could have possibly done wrong,
but honestly? In a year, will you remember it? In five years? In twenty years? You're probably not going to.
So, try and put it in perspective and forgive yourself.
Alright, thank you so much for watching,
we all fuck up, and it's okay. Just, be a good person., and you're going to be okay.
Thanks so much for watching, thanks for having watched VEDA, and I will see you in my next video.