I've got an anniversary coming up,
which I'm looking forward to.
I got to get my wife something good.
Oh hey, you want to go in
on something?
We can do that.
This is for me and three women
from Utah.
(audience laughing)
There you go.
Yeah.
(audience cheering)
I took her bungee jumping last year.
That's what she really wanted to do,
bungee jumping.
Anybody done it?
Anybody done bungee jumping?
Have you done it?
Really?
Good for you.
You're brave.
Good for you.
How far did you bunge?
You don't even know?
I think that'd be the first thing
I'd find out.
(audience laughing)
How far to the ground and how far
is the rope?
(audience laughing)
Got to just check into it
a little bit more, I think.
But good for you.
What did you jump off of?
What was it?
Oh, T tower.
Yeah.
That sounds like they've got all
their insurance paperwork up
to date.
That isn't just
like a minimalist space.
Were you afraid when you did it?
Yeah?
Good for you that's brains.
That's tough.
We went from a hot air balloon.
You ever hear of anything like that?
Yeah.
Well, here's what's going to happen.
We're going to go up
in the mountains, great day.
We're going to go up
in the mountains, up in the air
in a hot air balloon, 250 feet.
She's going to bungee
from the balloon, 220 feet.
We get in the basket.
On the way up, this guy leans over
me said, "listen, sometimes people
"are afraid to go.
"She don't go on the count of three,
"you think you can push her?"
(audience laughing)
Yes.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I love my wife and everything
but there isn't a married guy
in this room that wouldn't just like
to one time--
(audience laughing)
oh, it is therapeutic.
Everything comes-- I pushed her
at 2.
I couldn't help it.
Go have a good time!
I love you!
(audience laughing)
I don't mean to be like that.
And don't get me wrong, man.
I love my wife.
I'm crazy about that woman
but I just get so doggone aggravated
at her sometimes.
We argue.
Jeez almighty, we argue.
We argue over the stupidest,
little, teeniest, tiniest,
couldn't possibly matter.
I can't load a dishwasher wrong.
It's not like I'm taping the dishes
to the outside of the machine,
standing there like an idiot.
(audience laughing)
It's the first dish.
(audience laughing)
Just move it around until you're
happy.
(audience laughing)
But that's what you fight about.
The big stuff, you lean
on each other
and it's really, really great.
But the little, little, little,
little--
(audience laughing)
we had an argument one time half
an hour whether or not a dolphin is
a fish.
(audience laughing)
30 minutes.
I mean, I know that a dolphin's not
a fish
now.
(audience applauding)
Would you at least admit that it
lives a fish lifestyle?
(audience laughing)
Got in an argument in the car.
Oh man, that is the worst place
to have an argument.
You're stuck.
(audience laughing)
Big argument about my driving
and she's got a little room
to gripe.
I'll give her that because I'm
a boob in the car.
You ever been driving around
and can't see an address
or something that you're looking
for so you turn the radio down
like that'll help?
Oh, I can't see anything
with this music in my eye.
(audience laughing)
And this clear piece of glass
has got to go.
(audience laughing)
How old is my car?
Seriously.
I know.
That's all right.
Yeah, you bet.
(audience applauding)
We went for a relaxing drive
in the mountains not too long ago.
And as we're headed up
into the mountains,
there's this big sign on the side
of the road, just flashing, scaring
you, "watch for falling rock."
I did that and hit a guy on a bike.
(audience laughing)
Oh, that was awful.
It was like, all right,
we're in the rock zone.
Everybody keep a sharp eye.
What the heck was that?
Oh!
(audience laughing)
Ah.
All right, all right, everybody
listen up.
When the police get here, that guy
was hit by a rock.
We all saw it.
We saw it.
(audience laughing)
So I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know whether I'm
a good driver or a bad driver
but I do know that one steering
wheel means one driver, OK.
Shush, shush.
(audience laughing)
Shush, shush.
(audience laughing)
Not to hear my wife tell it.
"You know, Phil, even a fighter pilot
"has a wingman."
Well, yeah, but I don't think
he warns the pilot by screaming
(screaming)
(audience laughing)
"Well, I get nervous.
"I don't know what to say."
Well how about "car"?
(audience laughing)
I don't even understand why she gets
so nervous.
This is a woman that had jumped
from a perfectly good airplane
strapped to a little backpack
full of nylon.
She didn't think a thing of that
but a car in a parking lot
backs up slowly towards our car--
(shouting)
(audience laughing)
Man, she does some things like that
that just aggravate the death out
of me and then she does some things
that aggravate me but I love her
because of them.
I can't figure that out.
That's love's little twist.
It was like biting a hangnail over
and over again even though you know
it hurts.
Ow.
(audience laughing)
Ow.
(audience laughing)
Ah.
(audience laughing)
And now it's bleeding, all right.
(audience laughing)
Mm-hmm.
She's got the bedroom clock set 20
minutes fast so that we can get
an extra 20 minutes of sleep.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
Figure that out.
Now every day, wake up 20 minutes
early just to find out it's
not that late yet, nope.
(audience laughing)
She has her own ridiculous rationale
too.
"No, no, no.
"Now we can go back to sleep."
(audience laughing)
I was sleeping.
(audience laughing)
I didn't need to wake up to do it.
(audience laughing)
I have no idea what time it is
in my house.
We have 12 clocks, none set
on the proper time.
You could be on one side
of my house, five after one,
toward the middle it's 1:25,
close the other side it's ten to two.
You're like, for heaven's sakes, how
big is this house?
(audience laughing)
I was just in the bathroom a half
an hour from now.
How is that possible?
(audience laughing)
Workday's almost over.
You guys really have been terrific.
I really appreciate it.
Coming out, this is the funnest part
of my day.
It's hard to be gone so much.
I miss my wife quite a lot.
Hard to be gone.
I called her today though, talked
to her on the phone
for a little bit,
told her that I loved her
because she won't hang up the phone
unless I do.
(audience laughing)
Which is fine.
Man, if you love somebody,
for heaven's sakes, tell them.
Tell them.
Tell them all the time.
Why keep it in?
But it's crafty over the phone
because then you become
so conditioned, it doesn't matter
who you're talking to.
Yeah, I'd like a large pepperoni.
Uh-huh.
30 minutes.
Fantastic.
I love you.
God almighty.
(audience laughing)
Ugh.
You feel like an idiot
but you get a pizza in five minutes.
(audience laughing)
Pepperoni is in a heart shape.
(audience laughing)
New Facebook friend.
It's wonderful.
(audience laughing)
But I do love that lady,
doggone it and you want to show
them, man.
You want to show them that you love
them and you cherish, you know.
But I flub it up somewhere
along the way.
I goof it up.
Here's what happened recently.
I take my wife out to dinner.
We go to this fancy restaurant.
It's packed.
We'll have to wait for a table.
So we're in the bar having a drink
and I got to go to the bathroom
so I get up, I go to the bathroom,
I come back,
there's some guy hitting on my wife
now.
I'm like, dude, she's with me.
But he's not buying it.
(audience laughing)
So I spit on her.
(audience laughing)