- But fellas, I will tell you this.
And ladies, too, man-- life is going good for me, man.
I just bought my first new thing
with my little bit of comedy money.
How about that?
All right?
Yes.
Thank you, man.
I got myself an '07 Hyundai Sonata.
[audience laughter]
Whoops.
What was the last word, you bourgy crowd?
I'm sorry my parents don't send me money.
Proud of my car.
No, in order for this whole story to make sense,
you need to understand one thing about me.
And I want anybody that's out here to just know,
just give me eyes 'cause I know that we together.
And that's that I'm lactose intolerant.
Okay.
Okay, but let me catch them up.
Being lactose intolerant means that like around
the age of 14 to 15 you be eating a bowl of cereal
and you'll go, "oh".
[audience laughter]
No milk ever in your life, just all right, take that,
file that back.
So, I bought my car in Miami where I used to live
and I'm driving up to New York where I live now.
And for real, man, it was the best day of my life.
And I did what any black man that feels like he's moved up
on the social ladder feels like he should do.
And I went to Starbucks.
You know, and I know you all giggle
'cause you all go every day and you got your order ready to go.
I never been to Starbucks a day in my life.
I was like, "$5 coffee, that's what rich people do.
I've arrived."
This is not a joke.
So, I'm in line and there's a line behind me
and I don't know that menu.
I don't know that mocha frap.
So, I'm like, let me just get a black coffee.
And I don't know if you all have ever ordered
a black coffee in Starbucks before,
but they look at you like you just ordered
a 12 year old Asian boyfriend.
They don't, they don't make black coffee.
The chick was like, "Don't get the black coffee.
Get the coffee of the day."
And you know, I'm cleaned up, got a new car...
Finally, I'm like, "[deleted], let's do it."
Give me the coffee of the day
and it a venti white chocolate mocha, whatever.
It was good-- It was beige.
It was whatever-- it was good.
Now mind you, I don't speak Starbucks.
I don't know that latté means hot milk, all right?
[audience laughter]
So, I get in my car and anybody on the east coast
that's driven on 95 can feel me when I say this...
Leaving Miami, I ran into that 5:30
Friday bumper to bumper rush hour.
But again, I'm chilling-- I'm in my new car.
It got the new car smell-- Sunroof down, kicking it.
Finish my coffee I'm sitting there.
[audience laughter]
And you know how at first...
it just starts out as heat?
Like it's not even pain, it's just hot.
It wasn't even like in my stomach.
It was underneath my stomach.
It told my stomach to tell me,
"Negro, you got three minutes to get somewhere.
Doesn't have to be a bathroom-- It coming either way.
But I feel I should tell you."
And we've all been there before.
This that time of your life where you gotta
do some serious like critical thinking.
You know what I'm talking about?
Like turn the radio down thinking.
'Cause if I do what I think I'm about to do
in my brand new car,
I can't take it back to the dealership.
I need some Febreze and a friend that can keep a secret.
[audience laughter]
And I will tell you all this, if I didn't believe
in God before this day, I did after the car in front me
pulled up a half a foot and I back reversed off
the expressway and went running into a 7-11
which shoulda been the end of the story.
But because God hates me.
You know that men's bathroom was locked and broken.
I didn't give a [deleted].
I was in that woman's bathroom so fast.
Which again, shoulda been the end of the story.
Except for the fact-- and this is my hand on my son's life,
there was a 75 year old white woman in that stall...
that forgot to lock the door.
[audience laughter]
And to this day, I wonder what was going through
that woman's head...
when she looked up from that toilet bowl,
and in that door frame was a 6' foot, 225 pound
black dude with his pants at his ankles
and tears running down his [deleted].
[applause]
Now mind you, this is a true story.
She jumps up, runs out the bathroom.
I didn't give a [deleted]-- I slam in behind her, lock it.
I'm doin' what I gotta do-- That's my time.
That's daddy's time.
All of a sudden I hear this on the door.
[knocking]
It was the manager of the 7-11.
She went and told this dude that a black man
was doing drugs in the women's bathroom.
And when I swung that door open...
and walked past that man...
he wished that was what I was doing in that bathroom.
[cheering and applause]