WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK.
I'M GOING TO STAND HERE.
I LIKE TO TELL THESE JOKES STANDING UP IF YOU DON'T MIND.
DON'T ADJUST YOUR TVs AT HOME.
THIS IS ALL PLANNED.
I'M A HUGE FAN OF SPACE AND SCIENCE.
THIS MORNING ASTRONAUT PEGGY WHITSON BECAME AN AMERICAN HERO,
WHEN SHE BROKE A NASA RECORD, BY HITTING HER 534TH DAY IN SPACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS, PEGGY.
HERE'S THE THING.
AND BY THE TIME SHE RETURNS TO EARTH SHE WILL HAVE BEEN UP
THERE FOR 666 DAYS.
I'M NOT A SUPER STICIOUS MAN, BUT MAYBE COME BACK ONE DAY
EARLY, ONE DAY LATE -- ( LAUGHTER )
YOU DON'T WANT TO SET ANY RECORDS FOR BIRTHING DEMON SPACE
BABIES.
NOT WORTH RISKING, IS WHAT I'M SAYING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TODAY, AFTER BREAKING THE
RECORD, COMMANDER WHITSON RECEIVED A CALL FROM PRESIDENT
TRUMP-- WHO SHOWED A KEEN INTEREST IN THE SPACE PROGRAM.
>> TELL ME, MARS, WHAT DO YOU SEE A TIMING FOR ACTUALLY
SENDING HUMANS TO MARS?
IS THERE A SCHEDULE AND WHEN WOULD YOU SEE THAT HAPPENING?
>> STEPHEN: "I'M ASKING FOR A FRIEND WHOSE WIFE WANTS TO GET
FURTHER AWAY."
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S ROOM SERVICE LIKE ON
MARS?
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THERE WAS ONE PIECE OF
INFORMATION THAT REALLY SEEMED TO GRAB TRUMP'S ATTENTION.
>> WATER IS SUCH A PRECIOUS RESOURCE UP HERE THAT WE ALSO
ARE CLEANING UP OUR URINE AND MAKING IT DRINKABLE.
AND IT'S REALLY NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS.
>> WELL, THAT'S GOOD.
I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT.
>> STEPHEN: OH, I BET HE IS ( LAUGHTER )
ONCE IT'S DRINKABLE, YOU REALLY SAVE ON THE HOTEL DRY CLEANING
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
HONESTLY, THOUGH, I'M ALSO VERY INTERESTED IN THIS TECHNOLOGY.
BECAUSE, TRUE STORY, THE MACHINE THAT PURIFIES URINE IN SPACE WAS
ALMOST NAMED AFTER ME.
BACK WHEN I WAS THE HOST OF A DIFFERENT SHOW, NASA HELD AN
ONLINE CONTEST TO NAME A MODULE ON THE INTERNATIONAL
SPACE STATION.
AND THEY WERE, I WANT TO SAY, DUMB ENOUGH TO MAKE IT AN OPEN
CONTEST WHERE YOU COULD SUBMIT ANY NAME AND HAVE PEOPLE VOTE
FOR IT SO I MIGHT HAVE SUGGESTED TO VIEWERS THAT THEY SUBMIT MY
NAME AND -- I WON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT WAS REALLY FUN.
ABSOLUTELY MURDERED 'EM.
AND N.A.S.A., BECAUSE THEY ARE REASONABLE AND LIARS, SAID,
"LOOK, WE'RE NOT GOING TO NAME A MODULE AFTER YOU.
BUT THERE ARE SOME NEW TECHNOLOGIES THAT AREN'T NAMED
YET-- ONE OF THEM IS A URINE FILTER.
I SAID, WHAT'S THAT?
>> THEY SAY PEA IN A TUBE AND THEY CAN BRING IT UP THERE.
I SAID, CAN YOU BRING SOME DOWN TO EARTH?
WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO ON AIR IS HAVE A COCKTAIL OF BOURBON
AND ASTRONAUT PE PEE ON MY SHOW BECAUSE IT'S THE MOST HEROIC
THING I COULD IMAGINE.
THEY SAID, NO.
WOULD YOU LIKE A TREADMILL NAMED AFTER YOU?
I SAID, I WOULD LOVE IT.
I ASSUME, IN MY HONOR, THE ASTRONAUTS HANG THEY WET SONGS
ON THE TREADMILL BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I DO WITH MINE.
ANYWAY, CHEERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE.
MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE PLANET, SATURDAY WAS "EARTH DAY," WHICH
TRUMP ALREADY CELEBRATED BY CUTTING THE E.P.A.'S BUDGET BY
31%.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: NO, NO, IT'S
FITTING.
NEXT YEAR, EARTH DAY MIGHT BE A MEMORIAL SERVICE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE WANTED TO ASSURE THE
COUNTRY HE CARES, TWEETING: "I AM COMMITTED TO KEEPING OUR
AIR AND WATER CLEAN BUT..."
BUT?
( LAUGHTER ) NOTHING GOOD COMES AFTER "BUT."
ESPECIALLY WHEN TRUMP SAYS IT.
"DO YOU TAKE THIS WOMAN TO YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?"
"I DO, BUT..."
HE CONTINUES, "ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT ECONOMIC GROWTH ENHANCES
ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION.
JOBS MATTER!" OBVIOUSLY, JOBS MATTER.
AND, OH, YEAH, ECONOMIC GROWTH ALWAYS ENHANCES THE ENVIRONMENT.
THAT'S WHY GOD BUILT THE GARDEN OF EDEN NEXT TO THAT TIRE PLANT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, TO CELEBRATE EARTH DAY,
TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PROTESTERS TOOK TO THE STREETS IN THE MARCH
FOR SCIENCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHICH IS A LOVELY IDEA.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVE TO DO IT.
I THOUGHT SCIENCE WAS ONE THING EVERYONE AGREES ON.
IT'S LIKE HAVING THE MARCH FOR ORGASMS.
( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE COULD BE AGAINST THAT.
WELL, MAYBE MIKE PENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ALLISON JANNEY.