>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S FRIDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S NOT JUST ANY FRIDAY
CROWD.
THAT IS THE FRIDAY CROWD BEFORE THE FRIDAY BEFORE SUMMER BEGINS.
IT IS SUMMER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU MADE IT.
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S IT.
I'M GOING TO GET A TAN, MAN.
I'M GOING TO GET A TAN THIS SUMMER.
I'M DOING THE COCOA BUTTER.
IT'S GOING TO BE FANTASTIC.
YES, I AM.
I'M GOING TO DO THE COCOA BUTTER.
I'M GOING TO SMELL-- I'M GOING TO SMELL LIKE A BUFFET AT A
JIMMY BUFFET RESTAURANT.
IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF RAMADAN.
HAPPY RAMADAN, OR WHATEVER EMOTION GOES WITH RAMADAN.
I DON'T ENTIRELY KNOW WHETHER IT'S A HAPPY DAY.
IT'S A TIME OF FASTING, SO HUNGRY RAMADAN.
JUST HAVE A GOOD ONE, THAT'S ALL I ASK.
DONALD TRUMP IS STILL OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE STILL HAVE TIME TO CHANGE THE
LOCKS.
HE'S IN SICILY FOR THE G-7 MEETING.
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE DOWN AT THE G-7 THIS
YEAR, OR AS TRUMP CALLS IT "WEATHER CHANNEL FAKE NEWS.
GETS COLD EVERY WINTER, DON'T UNDERSTAND."
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, DONALD TRUMP WAS IN
BRUSSELS FOR THE NATO MEETING?
YEAH, THE NEWTO MEETING IN BRUSSELS.
AND THE MOMENT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT IS HIS HANDSHAKE
WITH NEWLY ELECTED FRENCH PRESIDENT AND GUY WHO WANTS TO
TRY IT WITH THE LIGHTS ON TONIGHT, EMMANUEL MACRON.
( LAUGHTER ) THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS POOL
DESCRIBED THE HANDSHAKE THIS WAY:
"EACH PRESIDENT GRIPPED THE OTHER'S HAND WITH CONSIDERABLE
INTENSITY, THEIR KNUCKLES TURNING WHITE AND THEIR JAWS
CLENCHING AND FACES TIGHTENING."
PRETTY EXCITING STUFF.
>> Jon: PRETTY EXCITING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S PRETTY EXCITING STUFF.
THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS POOL IS ALSO NOW WRITING EROTIC
FAN FICTION.
GET READY FOR "50 SHADES OF ORANGE"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP WAS IN BRUSSELS FOR THE
NATO SUMMIT, AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE.
AND WHEN THEY WERE LINING UP FOR A PHOTO, LOOK AT HIM GET KIND OF
HANDSY WITH THE PRIME MINISTER OF MONTENEGRO.
"ALL RIGHT, OUTTA MY WAY, YOU MONTENEGRO!
ALPHA MALE COMING THROUGH.
SIT DOWN, PINK HAIR."
WHAT A JERK.
( LAUGHTER ) "GET OUT OF THE WAY!
I GOT IT.
ADJUST THE JACKET, NO ONE WILL NOTICE."
I DON'T THINK THAT KIND OF SHOVING IS APPROPRIATE FOR AN
INTERNATIONAL SUMMIT.
THAT'S THE KIND OF SHOVING THAT BELONGS AT THE BUFFET LINE AT
MAR-A-LAGO.
AND TRUMP WASN'T DONE OFFENDING OUR ALLIES.
>> 23 OF THE 28-MEMBER NATIONS ARE STILL NOT PAYING WHAT THEY
SHOULD BE PAYING AND WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PAYING
FOR THEIR DEFENSE.
>> Stephen: WHILE TRUMP WAS DRESSING THEM DOWN, LOOK AT THE
NATO LEADERS' FACES.
CHECK THIS OUT.
OH, COME ON.
CHEER UP.
HE'S NOT YOUR PRESIDENT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU DON'T HAVE TO-- LIVE WITH
HIM HERE.
NO WONDER THAT TRUMP WAS LEFT LARGELY ON HIS OWN AFTER THE
SPEECH AS LEADERS MINGLED AND LAUGHED WITH EACH OTHER.
OH, THEY WOULDN'T LET POOR DONALD
♪ JOIN IN ANY NATO GAMES ♪ NO, NOPE, NO.
"GUYS, GUYS, WAIT UP.
DID I EVER TELL YOU THE STORY OF WHEN I WON THE ELECTION?
I WON MICHIGAN.
I WON WISCONSIN.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT PENNSYLVANIA YET.
WANNA GUESS WHETHER I WON IT?" ( LAUGHTER )