I've been wondering lately.
Tell me if I'm wrong, but I listen to The Daily a lot.
You know the New York times with Michael Barbaro,
and there are times, you know about this, Matt,
but it's a suspicion.
I'm a big fan of The Daily
and it's like a regular part of my day,
and there are times where, I swear to God, I listen to it
and I think that it's possible,
that they get someone talking for a while
and then afterwards in audio,
they just have Michael Barbaro go, hmm-mm, uh-huh.
Huh!
They have a bank. They have a bank,
and it's occurred to me. Interjections.
And then basically, they have him recap.
So, what happens is they get the person talking for a while
and he basically says,
there was apparently this woman named Goldilocks
who went it and there were three bowls of porridge,
and there was one that was too hot,
and there was one that was too cold,
but then there was one that was just right.
So, what you're saying is that,
this young girl Goldilocks went into,
she went into a house,
a house that she had not been in before,
and there were three bowls of porridge.
One too hot, one too cold and one just right.
And which one did she choose?
Well, good question.
She chose the one that was just right.
Ah, hm-mm, yeah.
Then she went into the next room and there was a bed,
there were three beds.
One was too firm, one was too soft and one was just right.
So what you're saying is that then she went to another room
and there were three beds.
One was too hard, one was too soft and one was just right.
Did she choose one of those beds?
She did.
Very good question, and it was the one that was just right.
At any point, may I ask, did the bears come home?
They did.
They actually did come home,
and that's what I was gonna get to next.
(Sona laughs loudly) The three bears came home
and they found Goldilocks asleep in the bed.
So what you're saying is that Goldilocks fell asleep
in the bed and the three bears came in,
and they encountered Goldilocks.
What happened then?
Excellent question.
They awoke Goldilocks.
She was surprised and she ran out the door
and she was never heard from again.
Incredible.
Okay, here's what else you need to know today.
(Matt laughs)
In Canada, a large fat of syrup exploded, flooding Oregon.
We go now...
I believe that's the general thing
and I'm feeling like I could, I swear to God,
I don't need to be here with the guests anymore.
As much as I love it,
I feel like you could let them just babble,
and then send me little prompt questions,
and I can finally live out my dream
of living in one of those little ice fishing shacks,
where they cut a hole in the ice.
And I live there all alone and I grow just a crazy beard.
Oh, do you know how to fish?
No, and I don't even like fishing and I don't like the cold.
Okay. But it's an image
that I like, and that's what I'm gonna do,
and then every now and then,
I'm gonna get on the phone and Matt's gonna say,
all right, all you have to do is ask these three questions
about Goldilocks and you're off the hook.
(Matt laughs)
So what you're saying is that this bear,
this blue bear which is quite unusual,
started out in Canada and then came down to Oregon.
What does this mean?
And then the person goes on and says,
"And the hammerhead sharks attacked the super models."
Is that what you're saying?
Are you talking
like Michael Barbaro now too? Yeah you seem to be...
I'm channeling him
a little bit. Are you assuming
his personality. He has that way.
Yeah. Here's what you need
to know today.
He goes here's
what you need to. Yes.
But he puts in eight seconds.
Yes, yeah. And then, ta-da-da.
No, I have a game
where when Michael Barbaro does the introduction,
I try to see if I can make a tuna melt during the gap.
So he goes, Michael Barbaro, The Daily and here's,
and I quickly run and I get rye, bread.
I put it in the toaster
and I won't take you through the whole thing,
but I've made most of a sandwich.
That's pretty impressive. And sometimes I've made
the whole sandwich and eaten half of it
before he says, (Conan mumbles).
What you need to know today. Yeah.
That's good.
You could probably make up, Matt,
a bunch of things, audio cues,
that you play almost like on a keyboard,
and we could do a podcast where I'm just reacting,
and I know you.
I know you.
You're gonna sometimes screw me over
'cause someone's gonna say, yeah, it was really tough
because that was the year I lost my father.
(Conan laughs loudly) (Matt laughs)
Yeah.
I think you should record a bunch of stuff you say often.
Yeah.
Yeah, when I was at Saturday Night Live,
or well, I'm like Picasso
and you don't tell Michelangelo how to paint.
Look at this body, yeah.
Look at this body or yeah.
When I say, look at this body,
it's usually with fear and sadness.
(Sona laughs loudly)
It's a threat.
It's more like, if you don't behave,
I'm gonna take off my shirt
and then you're really gonna see,
(Matt laughs)
what 80 year old spam looks like.
(Matt laughs) It's fresh out of the can.
My father just passed away, look at this body.
(Conan laughs loudly)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that,
listening to The Daily gave me this idea
that we could probably...
Yeah.
I could spend a day.
one full day giving you every single Conanism
and every single human reaction,
and then God forbid, something ever happens to me,
this podcast goes on in perpetuity.
You sit there at a synthesizer and you just play,
or not even something happens to me.
I just become incredibly lazy and a hermit.
So you just sit there, Matt,
and they're like, when you have another episode,
who's on this time.
Well, it's Marisa Tomei.
Okay, get Marisa Tomei in a room
and have her tell five stories and you're just sitting there
and you're playing like,
hm-mm, oh, I see, yeah, oh, ha-ha-ha.
Hmm, wow, that's rough.
(Matt laughs softly) Murderer.
Corn cob soup.
I'm Picasso.
Corn cobs.
Look at my body. (Sona laughs)
I used to work on Saturday Night Live.
Kakaru. Akakaru.
I could do that now. Yeah.
I could just take those sound bites from previous podcasts.
Ah, you could,
but I want it to be a whole day in the studio.
Oh, okay.
I wanted to spend, cost a lot of money.
I want it directed by a famous director.
Oh, really?
Ooh. Who are you thinking?
I don't know, your Camerons.
Kirk Cameron?
Yeah, Kirk Cameron.
Okay.
I want him to direct this.
(Conan and Matt laugh)
And also be my religious director.
No, I don't know.
I don't know what I'm saying, but...
I think we could work that up.
I think we can make a whole podcast
with you just never saying anything.
Yeah.
I think that that's a goal we should strive for.
Anyway, think of about this,
and then we could,
I think start cranking out hundreds of episodes a week.
That's another bonus.
But then I have to edit all that
and put that all together.
So, what are you doing?
Picking out a whatever new weird tchotchke
to have in the background of your zoom shot.
Okay, 'sup with camel.
No one has a bigger collection of straw hats
from the Churn of the Century than Matthew Gourley.
Mike?
Who's Mike?
He's the guy I'm gonna replace you with.
(Matt and Sona laugh)
He's really great.
We have one more meeting with him, Sax and I,
and then he's onboard.
He's fantastic.
Oh, I wish him well.
Yeah, Mike Galiginsky, fantastic guy.