Bongiorno, Julie.
Ah, Julia, la bella ragazza, how you doing?
Julia, la bella, how you doing?
Oh, look at you.
You look like a bottle of sauce.
Oh, hey, ee, eeh.
Ah, muah.
Grazie, grazie.
Since we've been inside a lot, you know--
Yeah
--we figured you would like some traditional
New York City harassment.
Me and Mero, we have been using our time in the pandemic.
We were doing Duolingo to learn Italian.
Italian. - Ey.
Ey.
Ey, grazie.
Ey, you broad, ey, co-- hey, hey, come on.
Ey, ey.
What's going on?
Ey, look at her, ey.
Hey, hey, smile a little bit.
What's going on?
Ey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, smile.
I don't want to social distance from you, mamma mia.
Hey, get over here. - Hey, come here.
- Hey. - Hey, come on now.
I thought we could buy 6 by 2, make some hey.
Hey, come on.
Ey, ma, ey, ma, I want to cough on you.
Hey.
OK, that one last one, that's assault. That's felony assault.
That's a lot. That's a lot.
Too far.
Uh-oh. PRODUCER: Yeah.
MERO: You know who went too far?
Ellen went too far, god damn it.
I can't wait till we turn into Ellen, like,
and just start like, beating--
Harassing people?
What?
Like, just being mean to people.
Just being dicks to staff.
No, that'll never happen with us.
We'll just throw hot coffee in their face.
DESUS: Ow.
MERO: "'Ellen DeGeneres Show' Workplace Under Investigation
by WarnerMedia, Exclusive."
DESUS: Exclusive.
MERO: From "Variety."
Shoutout to "Variety" for always bigging us up,
even though we didn't get no fucking Emmy.
But you know what, that's another story for another day.
DESUS: "A Black woman--" capital B--
"who used to work on 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show'
told BuzzFeed News she experienced racist comments,
actions, and 'microaggressions' during her year and a half
as an employee.
She said when she was hired, a senior level producer
told her and another black employee, oh,
wow, you both have box braids.
I hope we don't get you confused.
And at work party, she said said one of the main writers
told her, I'm sorry, I only know the names of the white people
who work here.
And other co-workers 'awkwardly laughed it off' instead
of coming to her defense."
Wow.
Like, the bombshell was that this was all Ellen, like--
This was all Ellen.
Like, senior produ-- allegedly.
Allegedly, allegedly.
Am I in trouble because I don't know
any white people on our show?
Oh.
Oh, wow.
Damn, this is an intervention? PRODUCER: Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry.
MERO: Wow, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I could name like five of them.
So you got Josh.
You got Julia.
Yeah.
Yeah, and that's it.
And that's it.
- And that's it. - The sucio one.
Oh, shit. Agh.
Rr.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Ben. - You should know that.
Ben.
Ben has the glasses, cute daughter.
No.
Ben Hollosick?
No?
No, oh.
No.
Who?
Mike Trout?
He's a great player.
He can hit some RBIs pretty hard, but--
That's Mike Trout, like the fish.
Mike Trout.
No, no, I know.
I love all my employees.
I see no race.
Me and Mero know everybody.
Yo, lowkey--
Our souls are colorless.
Guys, we're colorless.
Lowkey, that's why not winning a Emmy sucked,
because y'all deserved it.
Y'all put in-- we made an amazing show.
It wasn't about bragging rights for me and Mero.
That's right.
It's for our staff, because y'all do the work.
That's right, you know what I mean.
And we don't treat you like this.
And watch Ellen win a motherfucking daytime Emmy
while her staff is under duress.
You know what we're saying?
Teach these devils.
The Croc release the KFC clogs that smell like fried chicken.
And they got the stupid thing.
This is the thing with Crocs.
I'm not totally anti-Croc, but I'm fully anti-Croc
accessories, the little Croc pegs that you
put in the little holes.
I don't even what they're called.
Chill.
That's heat right there, bro.
That's heat right there.
That's heat.
And you come outside in those, you be like, oh,
you never seen these before?
Because y'all birds, you know what I'm saying.
MERO: Yeah. - Yeah.
Yo, must be sizzling.
Fuck out of here.
It was very hard to cop.
There was like a wild queue on them.
I had the call the connect.
But-- MERO: That's true.
--if y'all were not able to get a pair,
me and Mero are coming up with an exclusive pair of Crown
Fried Chicken Air Force 1s.
You know what I'm saying?
Boom.
Even more exclusive.
Even right now NYPD said we're not allowed to sell them,
because they're going to increase the rate of crime.
But oh, they got the platform joints.
MERO: They got the platform joints,
you know what I'm saying, to go with our Cuba Gooding bucket,
you know what I'm saying.
DESUS: You know what I'm saying?
Look at that.
That's a look right there.
Platform shoes need to come back, or not.
I mean if you're--
all young 5' 5" kings out there and queens out there,
you know what I'm saying, like, maybe.
Remember when every girl had that chunky black shoe?
Julia--
Yes, the baby sitter shoe.
Yeah, that big-- yeah.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Steve Madden.
It was like all of you were standing
on a double folded over yoga mat, and it was high fashion.
We loved it.
MERO: Listen, John Madden, Steve Madden,
you know what I'm saying.
Right there. The same.
Right there.
Same person.
Right there.
You never seen them both in the same room at the same time.
- That's right. - Think about that.
Making mad combinations of shoes
and chicken and turduckens.
All that type of shit.
What?
For what?
PRODUCER: I think--
Making fire ass shoes?
Brr-ah-ah-ah.
Oh.
Know what I'm saying?
The haters got him out the-- nah, sorry.
We should feel bad. We should find out.
We should find out.
Oh--
All right, that's a--
OK, that's not-- hey, look, hey, that's a victimless crime.
I have results.
That's, like, one of the stupid crimes, yeah.
Yeah.
That's not--
That's like-- yeah, he didn't clap nobody.
He didn't do nothing dangerous.
And you got to think about it like this.
If you're on a date with someone and they're like, yo,
I got to tell you something, I've been in jail,
you'd be like, oh, shit.
But then you're like, for what?
If they're like, yo, I killed somebody, I stabbed somebody,
I was doing a robberies, you're like, yo, this date is over.
If there was like a little financial fraud--
Embezzlement.
--you know what I'm saying, now you
order from the extra side of the menu, you know what I'm saying.
Now you go for the surf and turf.
You know he got it. So--
I just embezzled a little bit. That's all.
- You know what I'm saying. - You know.
- You know. - Just a little embezzling.
It's like-- it's such a harmless even word.
It sounds-- I embezzled.
I just embezzled a little bit.
Embezzlement sounds like fun.
Embezzlement sounds like something
you do with a kid's drawing.
Like, oh, I'm going to embezzle it with a little glitter.
Oh, let's embezzle.
Embezzle.
It's like a art technique.
Oh, he used embezzlement to create
clouds right here in the back of the foreground
of this painting.
Somewhere someone is watching this, and like,
they lost their mortgage or they lost like,
their retirement because of embezzlement,
and they don't find this funny.
They're like, yo, nah, this ain't f--
nah, I know what embezzlement is, dog.
The Bodega Boys are on the wrong side of financial crime.
You hate to see it.
[LAUGHS]
Hate to see it.
Free the homie, Bernie Madoff.
Yo, call the FCC.
Fuck it.
Yo, fuck-- yo, Obama's FCC.
Free Bernie and Bobby.
They're coming out on the same day.
Bernie Shmurda.
[LAUGHS] I sold those funds about a week ago.
A week ago.
Dead goss, dead goss, hearing dead goss.
Dead goss.
Oh.
DESUS: Rest in peace to the BX GOAT, Regis Philbin.
MERO: Regis Philbin, you know what I'm saying.
DESUS: "TV's Enduring Everyman Dies at 88."
Ah, he's--
88.
Yo, he's still spending money from '88, what.
Shout out to Regis Philbin, pride of the Bronx
from Van Nest. - I'm saying.
Ah-ah-ah.
Went to Cardinal Hayes, you know what I'm saying.
(DOING IMPRESSION) "One of the greats in the history
of television, Regis Philbin, has passed on to even
greater airwaves at 88."
That was a good joke.
"He was a fantastic person and my friend."
And I have a lot of friends, but he was one of the best.
"He kept telling me to run for president."
He told me in my ear.
"He holds the record for most live television,
and he did it well.
Regis, we love you," dot, dot, dot,
dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.
Is this enough dots?
He said, most live television, like it's "106 & Park."
Like, yo, that shit went live, yo.
Yo.
Yo Regis and Kathie Lee is mad live, bro.
Turn that shit down.
That's too litty, too titty.
Yeah, it's fucking lit.
Let's get it.
Yo, I love it.
Whoa.
[LAUGHS] How do you like it?
That's it.
That's it, bird.
Stay with her.
Yeah.
That's big Bronx energy.
Big Bronx energy, like--
- Yeah, let's get that broad. - --you stupid.
Ahh, yo.
Ahh, yo, I know we call this, but yo, fuck out of here.
Yo, look. Yo, this--
Get that bird.
Get her.
Yo, bird, go knock her wing off.
Yo, chill, chill.
Yo, you wylin.
Yo, don't-- no, don't stop taking it.
He didn't even help.
He ran off like, yo.
He said, that's right.
Get her, you bird.
Come on, newbie!
- I'm exhausted. - Here you go.
- --smell of sardines. - Come on, Sophie.
Yeah.
That's all I can-- ah.
Oh!
Let's hear it for the bird.
Wow.
He's like, yo, you a bird, ah.
Regis.
- Yo. - Not helping--
Birds of a feather.
He's like, yo, she put herself in that situation.
I'm not getting involved.
Oh, wow, Regis, you really let Kathie Lee out there alone.
MERO: Wow.
Yo, but didn't Kathie Lee used to be like sauced like,
on the show? Like--
Allegedly.
--she used to hit the--
allegedly, allegedly.
She hit the vino a little, a little something?
I mean, if you got-- if your co-host is letting birds
attack you, you might need to take
something to get the edge off.
Like, work is no longer fun.
Yo, get attacked by a cassowary, motherfucker, yeah.
Haha.
On occasion, you know, when I had three channels.
I think so.
He was the original host?
PRODUCER: Yeah.
I think so, before it got-- like,
before America became obsessed with it and it was on every
night and there was a super new host and everything like that.
I think I remember that.
I remember, because I remember his cadence
specifically being like, who wants to be a millionaire?
DESUS: Yeah.
Rest in peace, Regis.
You know what I'm saying, but my name ain't Regis.
"O is for oochie.
Oh, you ain't know how many Os in the bankroll,
sort of like the game show, 'Who Wants
to be a Millionaire,' but my name ain't Regis."
Name's ain't Regis.
Hey.
Woo.
(SINGING) Nas the one they call when they
want their thing beat up, oh.
Listen, hip hop, hip--
Say the next line, Regis.
Hip hop, hip hop.
Five elements, yo.
A lot of people don't know, Regis is
the fifth element of hip hop.
Here you go.
Can't have hip hop without Regis.
He's like, I don't know who this Nasir fellow is,
but he's written a lot about me in his raps.
Yeah.
Let's get it.