it's a I had something uh wonderful happen to me today I just take a
minute here to share it with people I mean when something when something
wonderful first of all let me tell you a little bit about my life I have
I have it's it occurred to me a couple years ago I have an unusual life for a long time I
just thought well we're all pretty much like me well God forbid we're not and
uh but I have an odd life and you know when I wake up every day is like uh like I've been abducted
and taken to Disney World just every day just every day you just never know you know and and and
also I've discovered over the last few years I'm My Own Worst Enemy I'm My Own Worst Enemy here let
me tell you what but listen this has a glorious ending so don't despair by the time we're done and
and I hope just I hope to God we have enough tape for this story by the time something wonderful
and lovely happens so so here's the deal now uh I I like to exercise and and when I exercise I
run now uh well that's kind of a euphemism now but it's still that's what I try to do
and uh and and I don't I don't know if you're like me in this regard but I don't I don't like
being photographed well I'm well I'm running you know I know maybe people like being photographed
while they're exercising I don't for for two reasons uh one you're just out there and you
kind of you know you like to sweat and smell bad and you're thinking of stuff and and that's you
know you like to be alone and number two when I run I look like a plucked ostrich so I don't it's
so so now like a year ago I'm out running Hannah and I run down to this track and I'm running and
when I go out I'm no [ __ ] I'm out there for at least an hour I'm doing like anywhere between
five and seven seven and a half eight miles so I'm out there running yeah you know so I can
go down there and I'm running around the track and and I see a guy with a camera now it's not
like a tourist it's not like somebody from Des Moines this is one of those guys and so and so
I run up to the guy and I say uh what are you doing and he says well I'm taking your picture
and I said well I would rather you don't take my picture because I look like a plucked ostrich yeah
and so he and I get into a little bit of a tussle and he says well you know this is my
job and he says you're a celebrity and I can take all the pictures you want now I realize
now okay this is a professional it's more or less a public place there's not much I can do
about this you see I mean he's doing what he can do illegally I can't do a thing so I Came Upon a
little strategy and it's it's a two-part loudly and intently I scream obscenities at the guy
I get as close to him as I can and I'm screaming obscenities to the guy and the first reason I do
this is because I want to make the experience as uncomfortable for him as he is making it
for me and don't kid yourself I've had pretty good luck with this strategy now wait a minute
now the second reason I do this is when I scream the obscenities of these guys while
they're taking my picture the second reason and God forgive me I find it enormously satisfying
so
[Music]
and then I always just throw a little thing how would you like it if I took your picture
if I followed you around all day and took your picture where do you live I'm coming to your
house let me take your picture would you like that you know and they always played them one
little girl you can take your picture because they don't get it you know they got their job
to do and like oh says so this is like a year ago and these pictures are published I guess
and I got reports from zoos across the country oh my God where can we get us a plucked ostrich
Peter was who plucked that damn ostrich
so now this morning I'm out running I'm going out and I decide okay I'm going on a long run and you
go down the highway and you go down like a mile and a half and you make a right-hand turn and you
go another mile and a half and you make another right hand too so you know I'm more or less three
miles from home and I make the the third right turn and there's a car sitting right there and
I think to myself I wonder if this is somebody who wants to take a picture of me running you know you
think that way because over the years sometimes it happens and again these these aren't tourists
you know these aren't folks who come to see the show these are professional photographers so I
run oh sure enough look look at there it's the same guy from a year before wow same guy
so I said hey oh hey what I thought we talked about this
that's what I said to him and uh and then he gets right out of the car and immediately I
start screaming obscenities at it what the hell are you doing get back in the car leave me alone
I got answering well that's my job I'm sorry it's my job I said I don't care I said you don't have
to do this and blah blah blah and we're yakking back and forth and and I'm as I'm screaming
because I've been running there's a great deal of spittle has accumulated and I'm now soaking the
poor kid in the and he says hey stop spitting on me and I said I said okay how about this
you stop taking pictures I'll stop spitting on you I thought there's a that'll hold up
are you enjoying this so far yeah it's fascinating so far anyway okay so I said
to the guy I said what's your name and he says it's Chris and I said oh yeah Chris
and I'll just do and you got to believe me these are probably very nice people but from
my perspective they're goons at this point yeah but they're they're probably lovely people they
probably do volunteer work in the community work at hospices they're probably great people
but you know when there's one situation I'm screaming up center it's it's like when a
manager goes out to argue with the Umpire that's exactly what this is so now as I'm yanking it up
with Chris and he's a nice enough kid to you know get like a jar head with tiny eyes and uh
and and I see I see that he's got he's got like a buddy he's got like a buddy
with him in the car and right away and I'm not as stupid as I look I'm thinking
you know this ain't a two-man job that's what is what I'm thinking to take pictures
of me running yeah you don't need two guys so the other guy gets out and honest to God you
know and again he's probably a very nice man but he looks like a side of beef in a parka so
uh I I said and I said and you I said what's what's your part in all of this and he starts
now he started they said oh you know I just want to come out and I like to see you know it's pretty
impressive see a guy your age running like this well now that pisses me off that pisses me off
and so he says he says you know I couldn't he said hell I couldn't I couldn't even run a mile
and I said great you'd be a wonderful photographer I'm thinking oh that's oh I got a Zinger in there
on that one so it continues and they won't stop and it's just click click click click click click
click click click click click click click click click and suddenly I'm more photographed than
the Statue of Liberty I just like a thousand pictures of me and it and it's Chris and his
buddy beefy and they're just yacking away and I'm screaming as loud as I can because in the back of
my mind I think sooner or later somebody will come out of their house and say leave him alone
stop that leave that boy alone but nothing happens so
so now uh Chris says to me says where do you see what we're going to do with these pictures
and I said oh what do you have planned Chris and he said we're going to make you
look really bad we're going to make you look very very bad we're going to show people that
you're not a very nice guy so this kind of gets your attention and I said I said well
exactly how do you plan on doing that and now when I say that beefy
doubles over with laughter and he says I'm wearing a tape recorder we have everything
you've said on tape ah so I think to myself well the boys have got me over a barrel now
here's here's here's kind of a sticky situation because for like you know
40 minutes I've been screaming obscenities at them
so I'm thinking to myself uh geez we need something good here we need a little thing
here we got to have a little low we gotta have a little button we got a little fix a
little topper we got a little Ender on this thing but how do we exactly get out of this
I'm thinking to myself and I look over and there's their car and of course when
they left out of the car they left the engine running and the doors are wide open [Applause]
so uh I go over to the car I kind of Bend inside I find the ignition I turn off the
car remove the keys now I have the keys he's taking pictures of me with his keys
and and he says oh he says this is a police matter this is a police matter and he gets
out he gets out his little cell phone and I said be my guest call the police I said
what what really are the police going to do you guys can't get your car keys away from me that
that's the problem you can't take your car keys away from a plucked ostrich you and
beefy can't get your keys back you're going to call the police and tell them that so he says
he says breaking and entering breaking and entering breaking and entering
and I said hey dumbass
the doors are wide open and and and by the way I'll take my chances with breaking and entering
and at that point I put the keys in my pocket and I continued running and I want to tell you
for one brief Shining Moment ladies and gentlemen I felt like Clint Eastwood I felt yes
so you see how that goes and is that the end of the story I want to know
what happened after that well what happens after that I run for a while and I think well
I got these guys car keys and they're back there oh hey record this boys yeah really
uh so I run away and I just tossed the car keys into the street and then of course they
retrieve it and then as I'm finishing up my run they come by and now I'm like Joe
Frazier doing road work yes uh beefy is at the wheel and Chris is hanging out the back
so now they have four thousand pictures of me and and of course the lovely soundtrack so
I will look forward to that then all right we will look forward to that yes [Music]
and I'm telling you May when I had those car keys I just felt like yeah here we go
yeah yeah you know it's pretty impressive you see
out here running especially at your age right [Applause]
[Music]