Parenting's hard, too, man.
I'm a dad.
Got a little three-year-old.
Parenting is really hard.
I do not know how my wife does it.
It is hard.
Looks hard, man.
I feel like dads, we all kind
of parent the way we treat cardio
like, 30 minutes a day,
and I'm done, right?
Whew.
This is hard, right?
I'm tired.
I need a nap and a protein shake,
you know?
Can't do this.
(audience laughing)
An entire pandemic
with a three-year-old.
Where is my trophy, right?
(audience laughing)
That's what I should be getting--
a trophy for this.
Because it's hard.
And I have a very smart little girl,
too.
Like, she's three and a half,
and she can read already.
I'm like, I didn't learn how to read
until I was in first grade.
So I got her a little book.
It's called, So You Think You're
Better Than Me, Huh?
(audience laughing)
Man, thing about mothers
is they connect with the child
immediately.
And dads, we have to learn
how to do it.
Because they have them in the body.
And we just have to get to know them
like joining a frat or something
like that, and meet them afterwards.
It's hard because everybody told me,
too, "you're going to love this baby
"more than you love anything
"in your life."
And I'm like, look, I got Xbox Live,
so let's not get too crazy
with this.
(audience laughing)
Sweet little girl, but I think she's
always messing with me, all right?
I don't know, she's too smart
or something like that.
Because she asked me the other day,
she goes, "Dad, what do I look like?"
I'm like, honey, it doesn't matter
what you look like on the outside.
What really matters
is who you are on the inside.
And you're beautiful because you
care about others, and you're loving
and kind to your neighbor.
And she goes, "no, I'm a bunny
"rabbit."
I'm like, oh!
She got me.
(audience laughing)
For some reason, whatever a toddler
does is somehow cute to everybody
on the planet.
But if a grown man does it,
it's disgusting and disturbing,
right?
Like, she would walk into the middle
of the living room,
stare me in the eyes.
Her face would turn beet red,
and she would poop her pants.
And everybody seemed to love that.
Let's get a picture for Instagram.
This is a TikTok.
This is going to be great,
all right?
Yeah, but if Uncle Steve does it,
he can't come to Thanksgiving
anymore.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
All right, it's working its way
around.
It's working its way around there.
This guy still didn't clap.
I'm going to be honest, at the end,
when I get the standing ovation,
you're part of this, buddy,
all right?
(audience laughing)
The thing is, the way I grew up,
I don't know if we're going to be
able to quite raise her
the same way.
Because, like, I'm in a parenting
group.
My parents didn't go to parenting
groups.
And so I'm trying to figure this out.
Like, the thing is, there's always
one mom in these parenting groups
that makes the whole thing
about herself, all right?
I don't know if you know these moms,
but just this past week,
one of the moms was like,
"guys, if we could just take
"a moment, I wanted to share
"a little thing going on in my life.
"I had a revelation.
"I learned I'm my own worst critic."
I'm like, well, Rachel, you have not
heard what the rest of us
have been saying about you, then.
(audience laughing)
We got a whole separate thread
criticizing you.
Whew.
(audience laughing)
You must be saying some really bad
things to yourself, then.
Wow.
(audience laughing)
And it's always that mom that wants
to give me advice, too.
She's like, "I've got some books
"for you, Luke.
"You're going to love these.
"We've got the food training book,
"and the potty training book,
"and the sleep training book."
I'm like, look,
I'm an old-fashioned guy.
And I'm going to do
this the old-fashioned way.
I'm going to mess up the first kid,
try to fix the second, all right?
(audience laughing)
Now, I grew up with a preacher dad.
I'm a PK.
My dad's a preacher.
And so his advice to me about
parenting-- this was his entire
advice--
he goes, "all you've got to do
"is read the Bible.
"There you go."
So I read the Bible.
And do you guys know what it says
about parenting?
The very first verse I saw, it goes,
if a child is disobedient,
stone them to death.
I'm like, I don't even think they
like spanking anymore.
I don't know if I can do that one,
right?
There's a prophet in there, Elijah,
right?
And kids were making fun of him,
causing him trouble.
You know what he did?
He had bears eat them, all right?
That's the parenting advice my dad
is giving to me?
Although when my daughter is
a teenager, that one will come
in handy.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, they don't discipline kids,
though, the way they used to.
I grew up in Indiana.
And now, I see the way that parents
raise their kids.
I grew up in Indiana, and my dad's
a preacher.
We didn't have any money, right?
My dad's old and broke, which
is a horrible combination.
My inheritance is going to be this
giant bag of Sweet'N Low packets
my mom has been stealing from
Denny's for the last 35 years,
all right?
(audience laughing)
He used to say,
"we're rich in spirit, OK?"
I'm like, well, can the spirit
get me a bike?
"No, he's broke, too."
(audience laughing)
So that's how I grew up, no money.
And I noticed rich parents, when
their kids are being bad in public,
they don't discipline
their children.
They have conversations with them.
Like, "excuse me, Erasmus, could you
"tell me why you weren't being
"helpful at the farmers market
"like the adults?"
I'm like, because he's two, that's why.
That's not how I grew up.
When a kid was being bad in public
where I'm from, then it was an event
for all of us, right?
We just go to the store,
and you'd hear, "Cooter.
"Cooter, get over here.
"Oh, you're going to sass me here
"in front of all these good people
"and Jesus Christ, our Lord
"and Savior?
(audience laughing)
"I don't think so.
"I'm going to rip your face off.
"Then I'm going to spank you with it.
"I'm going to spank you
"with your own face so Jesus, me,
"and you can see yourself getting
"spanked.
"Yeah.
"Yeah, maybe you'll learn something
"this time.
(audience laughing)
"Do it.
"Because I swear to heaven above,
"you give me that stink-eye
"one more time
"and make me get up out of my
"Rascal Scooter, I will kick you
"in the throat with my clubfoot.
"How about that?
"Yeah, that'll be our Merry Christmas
"at the Walmarts, won't it?"
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Boom.
There we go.
(audience cheering)
Even this guy clapped on that one.
How about that?
I mean, you didn't put your popcorn
down, but I appreciate that.