(TV static plays)
- Hey Alexa, don't launch the nukes.
No, no, Alexa. Don't launch the nukes.
No. No! (yawns)
(TV static plays)
- Whitney. Wake up Whitney.
(mechanical sounds play)
- The show is starting.
- Oh. Oh, sorry Bunkerbot.
I was just snoozing away. (laughs)
I'm Whitney, and this is Thrashtopia!
(rock music plays)
Bunkerbot, I'm bored as heck.
Is there anything cool going on outside?
- You mean in the wasteland?
- Yeah, no doi you big dumb pile of bits.
- (sighs) Scanning surveillance feeds.
(beeps)
I have three updates on activity from
nearby sentient life.
- Nice, lay it on me.
- In Burbank, California two teens with
severe radiation poisoning have fused
together while doing hand stuff.
- Oh. Damn, all right.
- In Venice Beach, California a skeleton is
still gliding over the waves on its longboard.
- Hm. Doin' what he loves, even in death.
That's tight.
- And in North Hollywood, California a gang of
technoraiders are high fiving over the
corpse of their latest victim.
- Oh. Uh, teamwork... That's cool?
- The victim urinated in their pants
at the moment of death.
- Jeez, Bunkerbot. Seems like it kind of
sucks out there.
Do you think things will get better soon?
- All analytical data points towards the
likelihood that the redevelopment of
human society will come.
- All right, nice. (laughs)
- After countless lives are lost over
centuries of tribal warfare.
- Oh. Well, that's kind of a bummer.
(buzzer plays)
- Ah! It's the technoraiders.
- Initial scan showed the intruder is
not a technoraider.
- Oh my god, it's the teens that got fused
together during hand stuff.
And now they've separated and she's absorbed
his powers through his junk and she's
more powerful than ever!
- Oh, whoa.
- Maude Garrett? From the internet?
- Yeah. Hey, Whitney.
- Scanning guest.
(computer noises play)
Guest is not a threat, nor is she a teen.
- Actually, my IMDB says I am,
and I have been for some time, so.
- Yeah, no duh Bunkerbot this is
Maude Garrett, she's like a super cool host.
At least she used to be. (ominous music plays)
- What? What do you mean? What?
- How do I know you're not a technoraider, huh?
You're not making me pee my pants.
- But I'm not a technoraider because
I don't even like techno.
- All right. Come sit over here.
- Get that knife away from me, man.
- Go ahead. Go on.
- I'm being threatened.
- This way. Not that one, that's mine.
This one. Over there. Yeah.
All right, if you're really Maude Garrett
like you say you are,
I bet you wouldn't mind me asking you
a couple pop culture related questions.
- Weird. Bring it let's go.
- All right. What's the movie,
the famous George Lucas movie,
that has the robot in it that says exterminate?
Interesting, interesting, interesting.
All right, next question.
What does Gandalf say to Harry Potter
before he dies?
- No! No, you're not-
You're not gonna say it. No.
- We'll you've responded so far like
the real Maude Garrett, but I have
one question for you.
- All right, I will answer anything
you want me to.
- Where is your accent?
- Dammit.
- Where's your accent Maude?
- Don't tell anyone.
You know that since the apocalypse that
we are a precious commodity now.
We are being rounded up because of Mad Max, man.
Everyone thinks that we know what to do
in apocalypse situations and that we are
genetically built to learn how to survive.
I don't know anything.
- I mean that's what I assume because
you guys got those big bugs all the time.
- All right, I'm not scared of any bugs.
And I rode a snake once for transport,
but still, man.
- All right, Maude.
I will believe that you're you
and that you're not a technoraider.
- Not a technoraider.
- For now. So, what's up?
How's it going?
- Hey. Good, good. This is a really sick place.
- Thank you, thank you.
I decorated it myself.
Uh, how's the cyber apocalypse going?
- Uh, real bad, man.
I've been drinking a lot of beer
to get through it because that's what I do.
- That's good that they have beer still.
- Yeah. Not cold, but you take what
you can get, you know?
- It's probably piping hot because
of the radiation. Hot beer.
- (laughs) Yeah, yeah. It's not doing well
for the aging that's happening at a dramatic rate.
- Mm, because of radiation?
- Yeah.
- Oh no.
- Skin's falling off.
It's not great 'cause as a host,
you still have to look perfect at all times.
- Yeah, you gotta keep tight.
- Yeah, yeah. My hair is actually usually
very, very silky and soft and smooth,
but you adapt.
- Oh. Well you've molded it into a shape
that's presentable for the camera, I think.
- Presentable. Presenna. I see what you did.
- Yeah, okay. All right.
Maude, do you still do hosting out there?
In the wasteland?
- Yeah, it's weird.
So, people still have cameras,
'cause you know how everyone and
their phones fused onto their hands,
so it's easier to take selfies,
it's easier to record,
everyone's dying,
how they died is recorded now
so we can get accurate information.
Being a host is easy when there's
cameras all around everywhere,
you just gotta go into host mode.
It's kinda cool.
- Oh, so you just walk into a tragedy
that's happening start describing what's going on?
- Yeah, yeah. And it's all evidence,
and when that person dies it's
on record how they died.
- Interesting. You've really adapted to the life.
- You got to, man. Well, you know,
it used to be really cool when Geek
was mainstream but Geek no longer is chic
when everyone's dead.
- Okay, so what kind of things do you report on now?
- I mean entertainment is still
really big at the moment.
We realized that with death and destruction
it's not necessarily fun to stay happy and sane
and to find a reason to live,
you do seek entertainment out there.
A lot more directors, a lot of actors,
a lot of them don't know that they're acting
in the films at the moment
because we're just recording.
I like to call it the top form of entertainment.
You know? Like the destruction disaster movies?
But what we used to call it were documentaries.
So, things that were actually happening,
but now it's funny.
- Interesting, so the actors are really just
people who are getting their arms torn off,
or you know-
- Yeah, we had no budget for gore
and special effects so we just are
using what we have around us.
- Use what you got.
That's what I always say in my show Thrashtopia.
We use what we got.
What I got is four concrete walls,
a concrete ceiling, and a concrete floor.
- There's a table. You got a tire.
- Tire as a table.
That's what I'm using. It's what I got.
Anyways, Maude who are the famous actors still?
You know we obviously we've got Metachris.
- Yeah.
- Who is one person now? One demigod person.
- Yes, I'm glad you said demigod
because he will never die-
They, he, will never die.
The fusion, I covered that story
when it happened, actually.
- Wow.
- Yeah. It was fantastic.
It's like every female and their estrogen
willed this entity into life.
So, it took all the best bits physically
and you know personality wise into one,
so we had Chris Pine's real fine
beautiful blue baby eyes got in there, yeah.
And his voice, cause he used to do a lot of
BMW commercials with that silky smooth voice.
It's smoother than this tire next to me.
And you also had Chris Evans,
who, you know, was Captain America.
So, he was the hero that we didn't
even know we needed, but we wanted
a little bit too badly.
And then you has Chris Pratt and his cool
little comebacks that he had.
It depends, he's flexible if you want
fat Chris you can get him but it's
also got fit Chris in there as well.
And then Chris Kattan had, um...
You know, the part that...
The finger nails made it into the body.
- He was in Monkeybone, so...
- Yeah, yeah. And there are people that are
still getting Monkey Boners over that one,
so yeah that got in,
you now, haha we love bananas.
And of course the Chris that brings
them all together- like the Chris,
the systemic part of my favorite, favorite,
it's Chris Hemsworth.
- Of course. How could you forget?
He's the best one.
- Yeah, it's definitely not a thaw spot
when you think about how amazing
Hemsworth is, and he just carries everyone,
you know metaphorically and physically.
- He carries all of the Chris's on top? Wow.
Women, I can't believe we willed this to happen. Wow.
- Yes. This is feminism. (laughs)
- This is feminism. (laughs)
- Yeah, this story, man.
It made me from here to here.
- Wow, so you're doing really well out there?
- Yeah, but I'm part of the Chris Meta Religion now.
- Wow. Do you like it?
Do you like being a part of this religion?
- Yeah. Are you kidding me?
It's the best of every situation.
You know when you wake up in the morning,
and you're like, "Man, it's a brand new day."
No, I wake up and I'm like (sings)
"Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris."
- All the Chris's?
- Yeah. (sings) Chris Chris. You gotta get
high enough there, that's the hardest part.
(sings) Chris, Chris, Chris.
- Oh, that's the hymn?
(sings) Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris.
- Too high, but yeah totally get it though, yeah.
But that's how I start my day.
- Wow.
- Yeah, people cry acid down their faces
and their faces tear off,
but I (sings) Chris, Chris, Chris.
- Wow, that sounds way more pleasant
than having acid tears.
Do people have real acid tears?
- I've seen it, yeah.
- Wow.
- Yeah, someone was taking a selfie
and their face ripped off in half, yeah.
- That's probably awful because
once you start to cry,
your face starts to fall off,
and that makes you wanna cry more.
- Yeah, and that's why it's gone.
- And then it's gone.
- Yeah, headless corpses everywhere, actually.
So you can't cry anymore,
that's why you have to be happy and get
(sings) Chris, Chris, Chris.
- Oh, it's a matter of survival. Wow.
- But in the best way possible.
- All right, Maude, honestly you sound like you.
You sound like my old friend that I knew
from before the apocalypse.
I just gotta ask one thing before I
completely believe you.
Will you prove to me your hosting abilities?
(upbeat music)
Hey, wasters, Maude Garrett here with
another cyber wasteland update.
A Monkeybones 2 is back in production
after hitting a bit of a snag on D-Day
when a nuclear missile landed directly
on the Bone 2 pre-production office
on the Warner Brother's studio lot.
Now a team of sailor hackers have managed
to digiscan a chunk of wall that had been
blasted with the ashes of a PA who was reading
the latest draft of the script.
They have separated the paper particles
from the actual human remains,
and have reassembled the screen play,
which they hope to shoot this summer
with the funds raised by
the temple of the Metachris.
Chris Kattan is still expected to star
alongside Chris Pine, Chris Pratt,
and my personal favorite for no apparent
reason at all, Chris Hemsworth.
A jumble of glowing wires in the shape of
a human man that won't stop screaming
and mansplaining is in talks to direct again,
and this has been your cyber wasteland update.
Back to us on the couch.
- (claps)
- That felt real good.
I feel like I've done it a lot before.
- Well, I guess that settles it. (laughs)
- Whitney, it is time for this week's
episode of Adulting in the Apocalypse.
- Oh, awesome. Now you can see the show that I make.
(rock music plays)
- Hey guys, it's Whitney here with
another installment of Adulting in the Apocalypse.
Now, I know these days a lot of you
are skeptical about ties after the
infamous automated tie strangling event
that killed nearly every CFO in Silicon Valley,
but I'm here to tell you that these
good old fashioned analog ties are
not only safe, they're also downright dapper.
So, let's look at how to tie one of
these babies that my grandpa used to call
a collar serpent.
Step one: Drape your tie over your shoulders
with the back side facing out.
Make sure the wide end is on your left,
and the skinny end it on your right.
Pull the wide end down so it dangles
just above your belly button.
Bring the wide end under the skinny end,
then wrap it around so that it points
toward your left hip.
Bring the wide end up and under your neck loop,
then slip it right through the loop
you've made at your collar.
Now, just grab the knot with one hand
and the skinny end with the other.
Tug down and push the knot up to adjust.
(ominous music plays) (coughs)
Bad Whitney. (screams)
- I'm hungry.
- Uh, so that's the show.
That's how you tie a tie.
Thanks for watching and next time
we're gonna learn how to build a flamethrower
that can burn ties with nothing but
a flamethrower and a lot of fire.
(rock music plays)
- What do you wanna do now, Maude?
- Whitney, it is time for your mandatory activity.
- Aw, dang. Okay.
- It's time to destroy technology.
- What? Really?
Now, is this like exercising my brain
or my body, is this like a triceps thing
or a biceps thing?
- Neither. While the planet is currently
lacking in both flora and fawna,
it is ironically lousy with technology.
You are providing a public service.
- All right, sick. Let's do it.
(rock music plays)
- All right, well I feel like this is
gonna be pretty cathartic for us
seeing as how the AI took over and computers
are generally pretty mean to us now so.
- Yeah, I lost my sister.
She got uploaded.
- Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that.
- No, man it happens. Happens to the best of it.
I was just like, man stop. Hammer time.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah. (laughs)
(both yell as rock music plays)
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh my goodness. I love this!
(laughs)
- Help me pull this. Help me pull this.
Zip ties.
- You gonna do it?
- Yeah!
- Bye.
- Oh yeah, fuck you.
- What even is that?
- I don't know, it's stupid though.
- It looked like it was a seatbelt.
- Man, these babies are really on there.
- Every time I said no I meant it!
- Fuck you computers.
You're nothing.
We're the better ones.
We're way better.
- Did you save? Did you back it up?
Did you like what you wrote?
Can't delete anything.
- (laughs)
- This thing. I mean I'm just asking
a lot of questions right now.
- It's really kind of fascinating how they work.
But they're so mean to us!
Ha! Yeah.
Throw it!
We did it!
- Your mandatory activity is complete.
Your reward is burger in a can.
- Ooh, thanks Bunkerbot.
Mm, burgers.
- Yum. I haven't eaten for like nine weeks.
- Yeah, mm. Yeah, burger time.
All right... Oh.
- (gags and coughs)
- Hey Bunkerbot, these look pretty fucking disgusting.
Can we just smash these instead of eating them?
- Kay.
- Awesome!
- (laughs)
- Yeah, smash the burger.
- Whitney! That is all the time we have
for today's episode.
You have two minutes before the feed will be cut.
- Oh, we gotta mosh it out, come on.
(rock music plays) Okay, this week I'm moshing out my
frustrations with the state of the cyber dystopia.
I think we all learned that sometimes
the end of the world can be dope.
See you next week.
(rock music plays)