IT IS DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE
TO MAINTAIN A SATISFYING AND
HAPPY RELATIONSHIP FOR MANY
YEARS.
RESEARCH SAYS PEOPLE REALLY
AREN'T PUTTING ENOUGH EFFORT
INTO THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
DR.TIM IS A PSYCHOLOGIST AND
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST.
HIS BOOK IS CALLED RELATIONSHIP
CO-COACHING.
A NEW APPROACH TO DEEPER LOVE
AND LESS CONFLICT.
IT IS WHAT WE ALL WANT.
TIM IS HERE WITH OUR
RELATIONSHIP GURU.
GREAT
GREAT TO HAVE YOU WITH US.
TIM, LET'S START WITH YOU.
HOW DID THE LINE OF THOUGHT
START WITH YOU?
INTERESTINGLY, I HAD BEEN
WORKING WITH COUPLES FOR 28
YEARS UNTIL 2007 YEARS AGO.
I SAW HOW SLOW-GOING IT WAS FOR
COUPLES TO MAKE CHANGE.
THEY GET CAUGHT UP IN PATTERNS
OF DEFENSIVENESS, TENSION AND
CONFLICT.
I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY
DIFFICULT TO GET OUT OF.
THIS I THOUGHT THERE HAS TO BE
A BETTER WAY.
I HAVE A PRACTICE WHERE I DO
COACHING AND I FOUND I WAS
SEEING PEOPLE CHANGE MORE
QUICKLY THERE.
I CREATED A PROCESS CALLED
RELATIONSHIP CO-COACHING.
I HAVE BEEN SEEING COUPLES
CHANGE IN WAYS THAT I NEVER
SEEN BEFORE.
HOW DOES IT WORK WHEN YOU
ARE TALKING ABOUT COACHING?
IN RELATIONSHIPS, COACHING
SEEMS FOREIGN.
IT REALLY RESTS UPON THE
IDEA OF COACHING BEING
AUTHENTIC FEEDBACK AND
COMMUNICATION WITH
ONE ANOTHER.
KNOWING WHEN YOU LIVE WITH
SOMEBODY THERE ARE THINGS YOU
DON'T LIKE.
BEING ABLE TO SHARE THE
POSITIVES WITH YOUR PARTNER,
BUT BEING ABLE TO SHARE THINGS
THAT HURT YOUR FEELINGS AND
BOTHER YOU THAT ORDINARILY
WOULD BUILD UP INSIDE OF YOU
UNTIL THERE IS CONFLICT AND IT
HURTS THE CLOSENESS IN THE
RELATIONSHIP.
IT IS ABOUT COMMUNICATION.
THERE ARE TWO PRINCIPLES THAT
IT RESTS UPON THAT IS DIFFERENT
FROM ORDINARY WAY OF LOOKING AT
LOVE AND MARRIAGE.
THAT'S IS UNSELFISH LOVE AND
LEARNING TO RESOLVE CONFLICT
THROUGH BEING GENTLE AND SOFTER
IN THE WAY YOU DO IT.
YOU SEE THIS IN YOUR
PRACTICE WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING
TO
RESOLVE CONFLICT, A SOFT
APPROACH IS NOT NORMALLY WHAT
IS COMING INTO PLAY.
IT IS NOT WHAT PEOPLE DO.
ONE THING I REALLY LIKE ABOUT
THIS APPROACH IS THAT IT
ENCOURAGES PEOPLE TO COME UP
AND LOOK AT THEIR RELATIONSHIP
FROM A LITTLE BIT OF A HIGHER
PLACE TO SAY WE ARE FALLING
BACK IN A PATTERN OF CONFLICT.
WE ALWAYS ARGUE ABOUT THIS
PARTICULAR THING.
THEY ARE SAYING LET'S DO THIS
BETTER THIS TIME.
WE KNOW MORE.
LET'S TRY THIS NEW WAY OF
BEING.
HAVE YOU STARTED
INCORPORATING THIS INTO YOUR
SESSION?
YES.
I HAVE.
A LOT OF STUFF HE WRITES ABOUT
IS BASED ON THE SAME RESEARCH
MOST COUPLE'S THERAPISTS ARE
BASING THEIR PRACTICE ON.
AS THE DIFFERENT LENS.
I HAVE SAID TO PEOPLE WHEN YOU
SEE YOURSELF FALLING BACK IN
THAT PATTERN CAN YOU THINK OF
OURSELVES AS A TEAM.
TOGETHER WE ARE GOING TO GET
OUT OF THE ARGUMENT.
INSTEAD OF IT BEING SO I AM
RIGHT!
NO, I AM RIGHT!
THE IDEA THAT PEOPLE DIG OUT
OF IT TOGETHER JUST CHANGES THE
WAY YOU THINK ABOUT THE
CONFLICT.
IT REALLY DOES.
WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR BELIEF
SYSTEM FROM THE INDIVIDUAL SELF
CENTERED APPROACH TO LOVE
THAT'S PREVELANT IN OUR SOCIETY
TO UNSELFISH LOVE, AND ENTER
MARRIAGE FOR THE PURPOSE OF
WHAT IT IS YOU NEED TO FEEL
DEEPLY LOVED.
WHAT DO YOU NEED.
RIGHT.
PART IS FINDING OUT WHAT DOES
YOUR PARTNER REALLY NEED?
IT MAY BE VERY DIFFERENT FROM
YOURS.
DOES THIS REALLY WORK?
I THINK OF DIFFERENT PHASES OF
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU
MIGHT WANT TO REBOOT IT.
ONCE YOUR DEEP INTO A CONFLICT
AND TROUBLE, IS IT POSSIBLE TO
TAKE THAT BROADER VIEW?
OR IS THIS PREVENTATIVE AND YOU
NEED TO DO IT EARLY?
IT IS BOTH.
IMPARTICULAR WHEN YOU ARE
HAVING PROBLEMS.
WHEN THERE IS TENSION AND
CONFLICT IN THE RELATIONSHIP
AND YOU SAY LET ME FIND OUT
WHAT IT IS YOU NEED AND YOU DO
THAT THERE IS A GREAT THING
THAT HAPPENS.
THE OTHER PERSON BEGINS TO
SOFTEN AND MELT.
THEY WANT TO COME BACK AND DO
THINGS FOR YOU.
WHEN YOU LEARN HOW TO HANDLE
YOUR CONFLICT BY NOT BEING
AGGRESSIVE AND ANGRY, YOU LEARN
HOW TO SOFTEN AND TALK TO
ANOTHER, THOSE COMBINATIONS ARE
POWERFUL IN CREATING CHANGE IN
THE RELATIONSHIP.
WE APPRECIATE HAVING YOU ON
TODAY.