Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick world
'That's all we need'
It's been years since we did a Don Dohler film
'Guess we got our work cut out for us huh?'
and partly that's because it always feels a bit mean-spirited cos, God love him, he tries
'I can only do so much'
on the other hand, there's no denying that his films do fit our remit
'Space ships? Creatures? What are you trying to feed me here.'
They're just not that professional
'Pro what?'
The Alien Factor is badly acted
'Why, what are you talking about'
horrendously edited
and written by someone who has never heard people talk
'She's a cool chick and we're gonna take her with us - you got it.'
Also this typewriter sounds like the battle of the Somme
The first half is boring, seen it a million times, alien killing townsfolk...
while townsfolk insist it must be something else
'looks like an animal attack.'
'what do you think doc? A wild animal?'
'must have been some kind of big animal.'
'I suppose it was possible it some kind of big animal.'
'was it an attack by a large animal?'
'There is some kind of vicious animal loose around here.'
I get it - they think it's an animal - do you not think the point has been made?
'It looks that way but I can't be sure'
Of course it's not an animal
'What in God's name is that?'
that is how you react to finding a crashed spaceship. This is not.
'Looks like my meteor is a spacecraft of some kind'
The problem Dohler has is that he has a cool premise but can't find a way to get it across to the audience
'I'm getting confused.'
Enter Benjamin Zachary
'I am somewhat an adventurer.'
a handy plot device wearing the largest tie in the universe
'Well I don't doubt that'
and he explains the situation.
'The creature was apparently transporting zoological beings back to his home planet.
'I know he had 3 creatures capturing in various parts of the galaxy,
but, something went wrong with his spacecraft and he was forced down to earth.'
'When the ship crashed the alien was wounded and electronic screens holding the specimens we deactivated.'
'And the specimens were freed.'
which still leaves a problem
'How does he know?'
back at the crashed ship
'Wait a minute'
Zachary had a close encounter with a dying alien in a tracksuit.
and...
'Thoughts began to enter my mind'
And he's not just useful for getting the plot across
'Since this is in my field, I think I can stop these creatures.'
He's not wrong, whenever someone is in danger...
Zachary is there.
'Good thing you were here Zachary'
Wherever civil liberties are threatened by a gorilla on stilts
Zachary is there
'Well it looks like you saved the day again Zachary'
At this point the film has a straight choice, either Zachary just happens to know everything and always be there
'Do you really expect us to believe all that?'
which is dumb. Or...
'I am an alien too'
which is obvious
'I' surprised you haven't figured it out'
I have. Everyone has. If you'd had I am an alien tattooed in neon across your forehead it would still only have been marginally less obvious
'It was simple enough to figure out'
Which is a shame because the interstellar zookeeper is good, especially when capped with the film's Night of the Living Dead twist.
'No Jack no!'
The monster's don't look bad and there is a cool idea here.
'Sounds a little wild.'
okay, the budget probably didn't help
'That's all I know'
but what's really taken that idea out back, chained it up and shot it in the head, is the script
'This doesn't make any sense'
It really doesn't - there's no earthly reason for Zachary to pretend to be human;
there's only 3 alien escapees and he kills them easily.
'I specifically said I wanted to work alone'
There's no way I believe this town doesn't call in help
'I guess we should call in the army on something like this'
'Not necessarily'
even with this Jaws-esque plot point
'You're worried about that damned amusement park'
'Amusment park, we're talking about a 30 million dollar complex!'
and people die as a consequence of that decision
'Well I guess it was a stupid idea'
but above all the first half of the film goes nowhere
'And something is not quite right'
It's like Dohler came up with the whole Zachary plotline while they were filming and thought
'Ooh this works much better'
'I can hardly believe I'm writing a story like this'
He was right, but he was too late.
'It's been like a crazy nightmare.'
This wasn't the best film ever made, but there were some cool aliens, particularly the Guerrilla on stilts
What other bad movies have good aliens let us know in the comments below?
Thanks for watching and remember if you don't subscribe then we send Lon Chaney Jr will come round to your house at night
We've got to get out of here fast