In just about 20 seconds, you're going to meet Shelby Devlin, who is an expert in all things
sexuality. And you're going to learn about BDSM, specifically for beginners. Now, just real quick,
I know that there's a lot of guys still who are not able to meet and attract women to even have
these fun experiences in the bedroom. If you need help, you can always go to Tripp Advice
Coaching.com where you can get your own one on one coach that will help you meet and attract more
women that you can even handle from online and from in person. Go there right now and book a call
with us so we can help you meet more women and do it as fast as possible. Now, here's Shelby talking
about BDSM. Hello, my name is Shelby Devlin. I'm a sex and intimacy coach in San Francisco. Most of
my clients are curious about exploring BDSM, fetish and kink, or deepening their already
existing BDSM practices. And while our dark desires can be alluring, approaching BDSM for
the first time is intimidating for most people. To make it a little easier, I've developed a
protocol that I use to teach my clients about BDSM that involves connection, pleasure, and safety,
all key components of BDSM. And since this is my expertise, Tripp has invited me to introduce you
all to the wonderful world of BDSM. So what is BDSM anyways? BDSM is the consensual exploration
of dark themes, desires, fantasies and activities that fall beyond the social norms of sex and
intimacy. BDSM often involves power roleplay, such as dominance and submission, but also can include
activities such as kink, fetish, role play, fantasy, and bondage. Common themes that we
explore in BDSM are power and control, humiliation and degradation, care, ownership and belonging, or
sensations like pain, pleasure and overwhelm. The BDSM acronym is an umbrella term that encompasses
all sorts of activities and roles. B stands for bondage the consensual restraining, tying,
suspending, caging of someone for erotic pleasure. D stands for discipline and dominance. Discipline
is a erotic roleplay that involves creating rules, protocols, punishments and rewards. It
also involves training. Well, dominance is the concentual application of power and control over
another for the goal of erotic satisfaction. S stands for submission in sadism. Submission is
the erotic enjoyment of having someone wield their power and control over you. Whereas sadism is the
derivement of erotic pleasure and satisfaction by inflicting pain or distress or humiliation
upon another. And then finally, M stands for masochism, which is the deriving of pleasure or
enjoyment from someone inflicting pain, distress or humiliation upon you. Understanding dominance
and submission is a key component of exploring BDSM. Dominance and submission, or DS is the
headspace that gives context to BDSM activities. Some of you may be wondering why anyone would want
to submit to the will of another person. And while motivations vary greatly when it comes to BDSM
and dominance and submission, there are some key components that all submissive share. Essentially,
what submissives want is to be held in a fluffy cloud of undivided attention. Submissives want
to have an experience in which they can completely let go of the outside world where they don't have
any responsibilities, they have no stress, no one is demanding anything from them. The whole world
melts away and they get to relax and escape in the present moment. And that is such a beautiful gift.
And BDSM is the container in which submissives can experience that escape. Other terms used
for submissive are bottom, receiver, or follower. Whereas the dominant is the top, the giver, or the
leader. I'm betting many of you assume that the dominant gets to call all the shots and gets to do
whatever they want in a BDSM scene. And if that's what you believe, I'm so sorry to disappoint you,
but that is not at all true. The dominant is actually providing an act of service. Remember the
fluffy cloud submissive wants to escape to? That is what the dominant provides. Whatever happens in
a BDSM scene in the BDSM container is something that the submissive wants to have happen. Now,
why would a dominant ever want to do that? It's crazy, right? While the dominant actually gets
a lot out of providing this container and giving the submissive whatever they want, the dominant
gets to have an experience in which they are in ultimate control. And that can be really arousing,
pleasurable, but it can also be very relaxing and validating. Sure the dominant is going to have
experiences and do activities that turn them on as well, as long as the submissive approves of those
activities beforehand. And that is crucial to dominance and submission, which is the headspace
in which we explore BDSM. Think about it. We've all heard of prodoms, these people are paid very
well, often by devoted clients to fulfill their fantasies. So if a prodom is not giving people the
experiences that they want to have, those people are not going to come back to them. The same goes
for the average BDSM practitioner. If you want your submissive to have a good time and want to
play with you again, then you're going to have to give them the experience that they want to have.
It may surprise you to learn that submissives outnumber dominance three to one. If you can
master the art of domination, you are going to have a lot of partners to choose from. So let's
get started. The very first step to exploring BDSM is fantasizing. Thinking carefully about
what interests you about BDSM. What activities are you curious to experiment with? How did you
get inspired to explore BDSM in the first place? Our ability to fantasize and think carefully about
what arouses us and fulfills us goes a long way into ensuring that we are actually going to have
the kinds of experiences that we want to have. So take the time to fantasize and think carefully
about what you want to feel from BDSM and what you want to get out of it. The second step is
identifying your core erotic theme. Now our core erotic theme is what we want to feel from sex and
intimacy, not physically what we want to feel. But what emotional and psychological experience gets
us the most aroused, and then feeling fulfilled after a sexual encounter. Once we identify how we
want to feel, then we can kind of survey our past experiences, whether it's BDSM, or just vanilla
sex and see what ways do we get our needs met, and what ways are we not getting our needs met?
It's really important to appreciate and understand the role that emotions and psychology play in our
arousal. It's not just physical, we're all getting different needs met through sex and intimacy, even
if we're doing the same things. And that's true of BDSM as well. So first it's fantasizing and then
next is understanding how you want to feel whether you're the top or the bottom. The third step of
exploring BDSM is communicating with your partner. Whether you're in a long term relationship, or
you're dating many people casually, communication is essential if you're going to explore BDSM. The
main reason being, there are a lot of dangerous activities in BDSM, both physically, emotionally
and psychologically. And so our ability to communicate keeps us safe. It keeps us physically
safe, it keeps us like emotionally safe. Also, it keeps us legally safe. So if you're going to
explore BDSM, you need to practice communication with your partners beforehand. So if you want to
introduce BDSM, in the bedroom, speaking to your partner about what you've been fantasizing about,
the activities that you want to try, and then receiving feedback from them about where their
interest lies, where do you have overlap, and then starting from there negotiating what you
might try next. Which brings us to the next step, which is creating an erotic menu. An erotic menu
is basically a list of activities that you're both a yes to. Through your conversations, developing a
list of things that you might want to try in BDSM scenes is going to be helpful when you're actually
creating the scene or exploring because then you're going to have an idea of what is okay and
what is not okay. So after we've created a menu of yeses, right, at least 10 items on that list, then
you're going to discuss boundaries. Boundaries are certainly about activities like yes, this is on
the menu, no, this is not on the menu. Spanking yes, choking no, whatever it is. It's really
important to understand like what your partner's boundaries are, especially if you're the dominant,
but also dominance gets to have boundaries too. There are some things that you're just not going
to want to do. They're just not sexy to you. It's not fun to do. And so you want to make sure that
your partner knows not to expect those things because you don't want to do them. Boundaries of
activities in BDSM is important but also creating boundaries around the time or the container of
BDSM, because it's really important to know when we're in a BDSM scene and when we're not,
when does scene start and when does the scene stop. That is really important, and it's part
of the boundaries. The next step is agreeing upon a safe word BDSM without a safe word is basically
like skydiving without a parachute. It's fucking stupid. So don't do it. Our safe words keep us
safe. And a lot of people choose not to use safe words, and then they can get into really
uncomfortable situations and dangerous situations. For example, a lot of BDSM scene scenes involve
people saying, no, no, stop, please no. And so how do you know if they're saying no for real or
stop for real, or if they're actually just playing and having a good time? That is the utility of the
safe word. It is the emergency stop button so that everyone knows that we're not playing anymore,
and we need to be taken care of. When I'm working with clients who are exploring via BDSM. For the
first time, I use the red yellow and green system. Red is full stop something bad is going on. Yellow
is oh, I don't like that, that hurt too much but I want to keep playing. And green is go. So once you
have identified your safe words, you are ready to approach the last step. The last step is planning
aftercare. Aftercare is any soothing activity that you and your partner can enjoy once the BDSM scene
is finished. Aftercare can look like cuddling, or getting water or rubbing lotion into skin
that has been spanked for an hour. There are lots of different things that are going to be soothing
after a BDSM scene. And it's also a good time to reconnect with your partner on an equal level. For
most of us, when we're exploring something new, we need reassurance after we're finished with
this new activity. And that's definitely going to be true in BDSM. Most doms need some reassurance
from their submissives that they had a good time and everything is okay. And a lot of submissives
want to know if they did a good job for their dom, like if they're pleased and if they were sexy, and
if they were a good girl or a bad boy, or whatever it is. And so having a plan for aftercare is going
to be a really important part of your BDSM arc. It's just as important as all the other steps.
Don't forget about it. Before you get started, I would love to share with you some helpful hints.
Hint number one is eye contact. I know crazy, right? Eye contact is actually one of the most
useful tools that a dominant can utilize in a BDSM scene. It is a great way to stay in the scene, but
also assess if your sub is enjoying it, if they're frightened, if they're overwhelmed. Just simply
having them face to you and making eye contact giving them a nod, just like kind of reading
their energy in that moment is going to give you a lot of information. My second helpful hint is
to go slowly. When we are excited or aroused or nervous, we speed up. And when we speed up,
we make more mistakes. And we also don't feel as much, we don't feel as much pleasure when we go
fast and we go through the things that don't feel good without recognizing that they're there. When
we go slowly, we can really savor the pleasurable parts, learn about what feels good for us,
and we're more capable of identifying when something doesn't feel good for us. So slow down,
take a deep breath when you're exploring for the first time or the second time or the third time
or the 10th time. Going slow is going to be your friend. My third helpful hint is how to create a
scene. Remember the erotic menu? The first time you have a BDSM scene, choose two or three items
from that menu. And then you're going to put them in the order in which you want to do them. This
is really important for doms who tend to plan the scene. Submissives rarely plan the scene
ahead of time. But for a dom often there's a lot of pressure to have our shit together and
have a plan. And so this is how you can make a simple plan. You choose two or three activities,
no more because you'll get overwhelmed, and then just decide which order they're going to go in so
that you can remember what comes next. And if the third item on your list doesn't feel good. Go back
to the second item that did feel good. Our fourth helpful hint is be safe and smart. If you don't
know how to do something safely, do not do it. You need to educate yourself. There are classes
you can take. You can train with a professional coach like myself, or prodom. There are videos on
YouTube that you can watch. There are books that you can read. Whatever you need to do to educate
yourself before you do something dangerous, a little bit risky. Be smart so that you can be
safe. Our final helpful hint is debriefing after a scene. So after the aftercare is completed,
when you both have come back down to earth, and you're feeling regulated, talking about what
worked for you, and what didn't work for you is going to be really helpful for you to retain new
information and learn from your experience. So if you can debrief after a scene and talk about like,
what worked and what didn't work, you are going to be set up to have an even better, sexier, funner
dirtier scene next time. And we all want that, right? Sexy and dirty. That's what we're here
for. So embracing our dark desires is something that we can all benefit from. People that
practice BDSM report having more satisfying sexual experiences, they're better at communication with
their partner, they have less shame, they have less stress, and they just honestly have a lot
more fun than someone who engages in only vanilla sex. And I want that for all of you. Hopefully,
this brief summary gives you the confidence that you need to explore your darker desires. If you
follow the protocol and listen to the helpful hints, you have everything that you need to
begin your BDSM exploration. If you would like to learn more about BDSM please check out my blog on
Shelby Devlin.com, because embracing our darker desires is something that we can all benefit from.