So if I was a dude, and I was a kid, and 99% of the world's population had superpowers,
but I didn't, I wouldn't let that stop me.
I'd start keeping a logbook of hero's strengths and weaknesses,
until my best frenemy Kacchan steals my treasure and throws it in the pool.
*Matt from a distance* That's the Millennium Puzzle. - Oh. Right.
And then Kacchan steals one of my logbooks, sets it on fire, and throws it in a tub.
So as I'm walking home all dejected, a monster attacks me, and my whole life flashes before my eyes!
That time I watched that All Might video, that time Kacchan caught me on fire,
that time I watched that All Might video, the time Kacchan made me eat dirt,
the time that I thought I saw All Might but it was really just palm trees in the distance,
and that time that I watched that All Might video.
And then like a beacon of light, he arrives!
Hahaha, hi.
And he beats up the monster and I'm all like
All Might you're the greatest hero in the entire world oh my god I can't believe that I'm meeting you face to face
you're my favorite hero I've got all your stuff in my room I wanna be a hero just like you when I grow up
and he's all like "Haha, bye."
And he jumps into the air, and I cling onto his leg and get taken with him.
And then, he kinda deflates.
And I'm like "All Might, what happened?"
And he's all like *coughs* "Because of my injury, I can only hold my power for a short amount of time.
So now I'm more of a 3 and a half hour Might."
And I'm like "Do you think I can be a hero like you?"
And he's like *laughter turning into coughs* Nope. *continues coughing*
So as I continue my walk home dejected, the monster that attacked me is now attacking Kacchan!
And I'm like "This is all my fault! I'll save you Kacchan!" And I throw my backpack at it!
*thumps to ground* FUCK.
And then All Might appears, and he saves us both!
And I continue my depressing walk home, but All Might appears before me again,
and he's all like "You got heart, kid. Not brains, or muscle, or anything else of merit, really.
So I'm going to give you my powers. All you have to do is clean this beach and take my DNA."
And I'm like *crying*
And he's all like "Nonono, just eat my hair, you stupid idiot."
So I clean the beach, eat some hair, explode a robot, along with every bone in my body.
And I meet my cool cast of superhero school chums!
- There's Kacchan- - Don't fucking talk to me, Deku.
- Todoroki- - Hey, Anime Zuko here. Let's see, uh...
I've got daddy issues, a cool scar, fire and ice powers, also...
I'm probably the Hand Crusher!
- There's Uraraka- - The only thing higher than what I can make things float is my desire for your money!
There's Iida- - I've got engines on my legs, my eyebrows are on point,
and I'm singlehandedly keeping the capri industry alive.
There's Kirishima-
- I get hard. - That's not a superpower.
- Punch me in the face. - I'm not gonna - PUNCHMEINTHEFACE.
*punches* Wow, that is hard.
There's Aoyama- *fairy laughter*
Then there's Kaminari.
- I'm the super equivalent of Pichu! - Don't you mean Pikachu? - Nope.
There's Ashido- - I do acid! And this is Edgar Allan Poe!
- I told you to stop calling me that. - She means Tokoyami.
I just so happen to have a demon living inside me that gets stronger in the dark. I'm not edgy or anything.
- And then there's Tsu. - Wait, me?
- Who's the best character, hands down. - Kero.
- And then there's Jirou. - My powers all depend on my earjacks.
Holy crap, can you plug into Kacchan and figure out what's going on in his head?
Uh, no, but I bet it's an endless loop of DMX's X Gonna Give It To Ya.
- Then there's Sero. - I have tape dispensers for elbows!
*tape covering Deku* What is this made out of?
*creepy laughter*
- Then there's Yaoyorozu. - I can create inanimate objects out of my body!
- Babe, I can give you an inanimate object in your body. - That's... gross.
Then there's Ojiro.
I'm a kangaroo, Sato's super strong on sugar, and Koda is a Disney princess.
What about that guy over there?
That's Shoji. Dude's got like 19 appendages. Do you really wanna fuck with him?
- And that's my class. - Aren't you forgetting someone?
- Oh, right, I forgot Hagakure! - Oh, heheh, hiya!
- She's invisible. - Forgetting someone else? - Nobody important.
*loser crying*
So then we do typical school things!
We have an aptitude test, pop quizzes where Kacchan almost kills me,
we have terrorist attacks where All Might almost dies-
YOU RUINED MY GOOD PANTS!
We have this school Olympics, where we race, play a game of chicken, and then battle each other to the death.
We have apprenticeships where I help Iida and Shoto do dirty things in an back alley-
- His name is Stain. - Oh, right. I help defeat Stain in a back alley.
And midterm exams, where I'm teamed with Bakugo and that goes as well as you expect.
All while I'm being mentored by All Might, and he's all like
Midoriya, there's a man coming who can steal superpowers and he probably wants to wreck your shit.
Also, I'm dying for realsies.
And I'm like "What?"
Ifso factso, have fun at summer camp!