The inauguration of Joseph Robin Hood Biden.
Yesterday, after being sworn in
on the book that knows when we're all gonna die,
Biden became the 46th president of the United States.
But he can't run the whole country himself.
So, immediately after being sworn in,
he turned around and administered the oath of office
to his new White House staff.
And hopefully all 4,000 people on the Zoom
were paying attention.
NEWSMAN: For new members of the Biden administration,
a virtual swearing in.
And we have to restore the soul of this country,
and I'm counting on all of you to be part of that.
And a stern warning from the new commander in chief.
If you're ever working with me
and I hear you treat another colleague with disrespect,
talk down to someone,
I promise you, I will fire you on the spot.
On the spot.
No if, ands, or buts.
Okay. Wow.
That took a turn.
"Welcome to a new era of kindness and respect.
"And if you're not on board with that,
I'll rip your nipples off."
But insisting on respect is just one of the ways
that President Biden is trying to make a clean break
from his predecessor.
In fact, he even redecorated his office
to be as un-Trumpy as possible.
We're getting new details right now
about the, uh, inside of President Biden's Oval Office.
A bust of Cesar Chavez, for example,
sitting behind the Resolute desk,
along with statues of Martin Luther King Jr.
and Robert F. Kennedy.
NEWSMAN: It is Joe Biden's stamp on the Oval Office.
But some of it is familiar. You see those gold drapes?
You see the blue carpet on the floor?
Those were in the Oval Office
during the Bill Clinton presidency.
The decor is certainly different than it was
under President Trump.
Okay, first question,
is it really an improvement
to switch out Trump's carpet for Bill Clinton's?
I mean, on Trump's carpet, yes, you can catch COVID.
But on Clinton's,
you could get pregnant.
And, look, I respect history,
but, at some point, it starts getting suspicious.
"This desk was used by President Roosevelt."
"Wow!"
"And these chairs were sat on by President Kennedy."
"Wow!"
"And these drapes were hung by President Monroe."
"Dude, are-are you broke?
Is-is that what's going on here?"
But I do think it's cool that no matter what other changes
a president makes,
the bust of Martin Luther King Jr. stays behind.
Because no one wants to be the guy
who removes the bust of MLK.
Once it enters the room, it's there for good.
If a tornado hit the Oval Office,
it would still go around MLK.
(blowing)
(quietly): "Ha, ha, I'm not racist.
I'm not racist." (blowing)
Now, of course, redecorating the Oval Office
is just a symbolic change.
But even after one day,
people are really noticing how different
Biden's presidency will be from Donald J. Trump's.
You just got President Biden's schedule for tomorrow,
his first full day in office as-as president.
Uh, I imagine it's a little bit busier
than what we've been reading
is the former president's schedule.
This is a return to normalcy.
Also a return to functioning government.
The White House Press Office is now actually sending out
press releases that are informative.
So instead of having the Trump administration say
Trump is making "many calls,"
the Biden team's actually revealing the calls.
That's a good sign. That's progress.
NEWSWOMAN: President Biden is now unveiling
a national strategy to tackle COVID.
First of all, I-I just have to say that it's great
that we have somebody that comes out and actually has a plan.
Today felt like a new day.
I mean, the press briefing was boring as hell.
And that was refreshing.
We didn't have to count how many lies Jen Psaki was telling.
We didn't have to get up there and hear her talking
about the largest crowd size or yelling at the media.
Yo, guys, Joe Biden is so lucky.
All he has to do is have a vaccine plan
and not lie for ten minutes
and he's basically, what, the next George Washington?
And we all know this is only thanks to Donald Trump
for setting the bar so low.
It's like getting hired as a babysitter
and your predecessor was a Roomba covered in knives.
You're gonna be better.
And there's a useful life lesson here for all of us.
Always follow the worst possible person.
Like, if you want to date someone,
wait until after they've broken up with Armie Hammer.
"Baby, I promise I will never eat your flesh."
"What a gentleman."
In fact, people are so excited to be moving on from Trump
that some at Biden's inauguration celebration
were already pretending that Trump never existed at all.
NEWSWOMAN: Appearances by three former presidents,
George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama
but not President Trump.
Well, I think, uh, the fact that the three of us
are standing here talking about a peaceful transfer of power
speaks to the, uh,
in-institutional integrity of our country.
We've got to... not just listen to folks we agree with
but listen to folks we don't.
You think about the three presidents,
the three former presidents that we saw gathered together
to-to speak about this moment in history,
to speak about, uh, the new president.
The former president who just left office
could have been among those three.
-It could have been four. -Mm-hmm.
And forevermore now, one considers,
when there are gatherings of all the presidents,
will the most recent president,
-uh, who just left, will he be in there? -No.
All right, is it just me or was Anderson Cooper working overtime
to avoid saying the word "Trump"?
Dude, you can't summon him by saying his name.
All right? The guy's an ex-president, not Beetlejuice.
Just say it. "Trump."
But I will say this-- I'm not surprised
and nobody should be surprised
that Trump doesn't want to be a part
of the Former Presidents Club.
It's kind of like when Don Felder left the Eagles
because he was jealous of Glenn Frey and Don Henley's success.
Okay, I'm gonna be honest, guys.
I don't actually know what anything in that joke means.
I'm just trying to win over some of these white people
who don't have a leader anymore.
So, uh, yeah.
Honestly speaking,
I think Trump not being included in the club is for the best.
Because what are these guys gonna talk about?
(a la Obama): "Uh, you know everybody can agree.
"Uh, being president is one of the hardest jobs in the world.
Am I right?" (a la Trump): "Tell me about it, dude.
"Sometimes I would have to work 12 hours
a month. It was excruciating."
And while I understand
that people want to pretend Trump didn't exist,
the truth is he did.
Not only did he exist
but his presidency was historic.
Like, you may not realize it because we're living in it,
but, guys, he sent a mob to ransack the Capitol.
People are gonna be talking about this forever.
We're living in a history book right now.
In, like, a hundred years,
they're gonna be doing musicals about this Trump era.
? We're gonna march on the Capitol ?
? Not me, I'm going home, but you guys gonna go in all alone ?
? And I'm-a be in my bunker. ?
I will say though, it really was moving
to see those former presidents together. You know?
Two Democrats, one Republican
paying tribute to the new kid.
Although there was one moment in there
that I-I really wasn't expecting.
I think inaugurations signal a tradition
of a peaceful transfer of power that is over two centuries old.
So this is an unusual thing-- we are both
trying to come back to normalcy, deal...
Sorry to interrupt you guys, but y'all seen any car keys
lying around here?
It's got a troll key chain.
Well, I think, uh, the fact that the three of us
are standing here talking about a peaceful transfer of...
I don't know if you're too familiar with the Troll movie,
but the key chain is of King Peppy.
Orange-red mustache. Butt naked. No dick.
If everybody could just check their general area,
I'd appreciate it.
I'll be right out of your hair.
We've got to not just listen
-to folks we agree with, -King Peppy, where you at?
-but listen to folks we don't. -America's a generous country
-Peppy! -With people with great hearts.
-All three of... -Hey, can one of y'all give me a ride home?
Uh, check your pockets, Roy.