WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS )
AS OF TONIGHT, THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS ARE JUST TWO WEEKS
AWAY, SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO QUIT AMERICA, YOU GOT TO PUT IN YOUR
NOTICE NOW.
OTHERWISE, YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE AND YOU HAVE TO VOTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOT TO.
>> Jon: YEAH, YOU GOT TO.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, ON
ELECTION NIGHT, YOU GUYS KNOW, "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE.
FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
THEY'RE EXCITED!
I'M EXCITED.
WE'LL HAVE A TICKER DOWN HERE.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ACTUAL ELECTION RESULTS DOWN HERE, AND
I MIGHT THROW IN A FEW FAKE ONES TO KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP SPICY.
>> Jon: TABASCO.
>> Stephen: AND WITH THE MIDTERMS BEARING DOWN ON US LIKE
AN ANGRY BUFFALO, YESTERDAY THE PRESIDENT HAD AN IMPORTANT
MESSAGE.
>> RIGHT NOW, WE'VE GOT A CHANCE TO RESTORE SOME SANITY TO OUR
POLITICS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY-- I JUST--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW-- I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
THAT'S THE WRONG GUY.
( LAUGHTER )
WANTED TO PLAY THAT FOOTAGE.
COME BACK!
WHY'D YOU LEAVE?
WERE WE BAD?
IT'S OUR FAULT.
AAAH!
YOU SAID YOU WERE JUST GOING OUT FOR A PACK OF SMOKES!
( LAUGHTER )
PRESIDENT.
HE HAD SOME HARSH WORDS FOR HIS SUCCESSOR:
>> HERE'S JUST ONE SIMPLE FACT.
THIS IS A FACT.
THIS IS NOT-- I'M JUST-- UNLIKE SOME, I ACTUALLY TRY TO STATE
FACTS.
I BELIEVE IN FACTS, ALL RIGHT?
( CHEERS)
REALITY AND A FACT-BASED POLITICS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STUFF UP.
I THINK YOU SHOULD, LIKE, ACTUALLY SAY TO PEOPLE WHAT'S
TRUE
>> Stephen: UGH.
OH, THE TRUTH.
THAT IS SO 2015, GRANDPA.
( LAUGHTER )
"UPTOWN FUNK" WITH THE LEFT SHARK.
COME BACK, LEFT SHARK!
WERE WE BAD?
OF COURSE, OUR WICKED STEP-PRESIDENT ALSO HELD A RALLY
YESTERDAY.
HE WAS IN HOUSTON.
HE TALKED ABOUT SENATOR TED CRUZ.
HE TALKED ABOUT HIMSELF.
>> YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE A WORD, IT SORT OF BECAME OLD
FASHIONED.
IT'S CALLED A NATIONALIST.
AND I SAY, REALLY, WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE THAT WORD.
YOU KNOW WHAT I AM?
I'M A NATIONALIST, OKAY?
I'M A NATIONALIST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE THAT
WORD?
BECAUSE IT'S THE SECOND HALF OF "WHITE NASHIST."
CHOPPING OFF THE FIRST WORD DOESN'T CHANGE WHAT IT MEANS IN
OUR MINDS.
OH, LOOK, LOOK, I'M IN A "KLUX KLAN.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHICH ONE.
DON'T JUDGE ME.
>> Jon: YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE?
YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE?
YOU.
>> Stephen: BLUE KLUX KLAN.
WHO KNOWS?
TRUMP WENT ON.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT A GLOBALIST IS, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHAT A GLOBALIST IS.
A GLOBALIST IS A PERSON THAT WANTS THE GLOBE TO DO WELL,
FRANKLY, NOT CARING ABOUT OUR COUNTRY SO MUCH.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.
>> Stephen: HE DOES REALIZE AMERICA IS ON THE GLOBE, RIGHT?
( AS TRUMP )
GOING TO SHOOT YOU STRAIGHT.
WHO CARES ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING?
WAKE ME UP WHEN IT'S 'AMERICA WARMING!'"