- My brothers are why I'm like insecure
and don't trust anyone,
'cause they just lied to me my entire life.
That's all they did.
Like to get me to do anything when I was little,
it was very easy.
It was very...
All you had to do was time me.
That was it.
Just put a stop clock on it and I'm yours,
like that was it.
Like I wanted to be in the Olympics,
so I was like, I'll time everything. You know?
(audience laughs)
Like, I'd be watching TV and they'd be like,
"Hey, go get me a soda." I'm like, "Nah, I'm watching TV."
And they're like, "I'll time you."
I'm like, "Okay, all right, all right.
Here we come, Barcelona. Hit it."
I'd just be like...
(Brooks makes gurgling noise)
Like, "Do you want ice in the soda?"
They'd be like, "What?"
I was like, "There's no time."
And I'd just bring it back downstairs.
"There it is. What was my time?
Feel like I'm growing into my body.
What was my time?" (audience laughs)
And every time, for probably like over 1,000 times,
they would just look at their watch and go,
"It just says you're gay, man."
(audience laughs)
I'd be like, "Okay, well that's mean of you to say to me,
but if I was, that's totally acceptable and fine.
But I'm not, and how would a watch know that?
To be honest, that's not how watches work.
Look, very funny joke.
I bet you actually timed it though,
so I would love to know the actual time.
Keeping a record."
(audience laughs)
And they'd be like, "I'm sorry buddy.
Thanks for the soda. Oh, still gay."
I'd be like, "All right. That's on me, for sure."
(audience laughs)
"The second one's my fault."
(audience laughing) (jazzy music)
- I'm actually one of six kids, Catholic.
You ever know those people from big Catholic families?
They always say that Catholic after the number.
Six kids, Catholic.
(audience laughs) Six kids, Catholic.
Like if you didn't hear the Catholic part,
you think, "Six kids. His mother really likes sex."
(audience laughs)
Oh, she was Catholic. Okay.
(audience laughs)
Okay.
I'm the youngest, too.
And when you're the youngest of a big family,
people are always like, "You're the baby. You're spoiled."
You know the fact about when you're the youngest
of a big family, by the time you're a teenager,
your parents are insane.
(audience laughs)
And they're like, "Hey, I'm going roller skating."
"You're not going roller skating.
You'll end up pregnant like you're sister."
(audience laughs)
"Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"
(audience laughs)
Parents get burned out in big families.
You could even see it in the naming of children.
It's always like the first kid,
"You were named after grandma."
The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had."
(audience laughs)
"I loved that.
Now get your brother Ruben."
(audience laughs)
- I have a younger boyfriend now.
I like the little ones.
(audience cheers)
Yes, I do like those little ones. Yes I do.
I am officially a cougar.
He's young and white, so I'm not just a cougar,
I'm a black panther.
(audience laughs and cheers)
Young and white, and he wants me to meet his mama.
That's gonna be a situation.
(audience laughs)
'Cause he has to tell her two things.
He has to tell her I'm older and I'm black.
I can't wait to meet her,
'cause I'm gonna tell her,
"I got your baby boy."
(audience cheers and applauds)
I'm joking. I met her.
I just, I love that joke the way I wrote it.
I don't feel like changing it, so.
(audience laughs)
No, they were very nice.
They were, I mean everyone was nice.
It's the holidays, and they knew I was coming.
(audience laughs)
They were prepared.
(audience laughs)
They put their stuff away.
(audience laughs)
(Marina chuckles)
Everyone was nice, Which actually bothered me, you know?
'Cause I kind of like to, you know,
to get weird and crazy and awkward.
Like I was too nice, for a comic.
Like I wanted to represent, you know, act the fool.
(audience laughs) I wanted to go in there
and be like, "Yo, what's up, what's up?
Where's the sweet potatoes, huh?
Where's the sweet potatoes?
Got my baby boy right here, uh uh."
(audience laughs)
By the way, you're not a black comic until you do this.
Uh uh.
(audience laughs) (Marina chuckles)
But I didn't, I didn't do that. I behaved, you know.
His mom is actually very funny, too.
She's nice at, she's a gift giver.
She watches QVC a lot.
(audience laughs)
She gave me this lip plumper.
(audience laughs)
It's supposed to make your lips bigger.
(audience laughs)
Do I have to explain why that was inappropriate?
(audience laughs)
I don't need that.
- And my family goes like this.
John, Christie, Todd, Michael.
Okay, that's my name, Michael.
(audience laughs)
Everyone has a friend named Michael.
Everyone can pronounce the name Michael.
It's not a difficult name to say, Michael.
When I was born, my brother Todd was four.
He tried to say my name Michael,
but instead he said Mickle.
Oh, isn't that so cute? Todd said Mickle.
Somehow Mickle became Pickle.
To this day, I am 30 years old.
My entire family calls me Pickle,
because when Todd was four he was (beep),
and he couldn't say Michael.
(audience applauds)
Michael, it's not hard.
(audience applauds)
I'm in my dad's cell phone as Pickle,
'cause Todd is a (beep) head.
(audience laughs)
"Pickle, dinner's ready."
No Mom, it's Michael. Okay?
You and dad named me Michael.
I hate my brother Toddles.
(audience laughs)
And whenever Todd was bored, which was every day,
'cause that's all older siblings are,
is bored, miserable (beep).
(audience laughs)
He would grab his friends and they'd play this great game,
where they would take Michael's arms
and they would forcefully tie 'em behind a tree trunk,
and they would tickle my armpits until I (beep) my pants.
(audience applauds)
The game would actually end when the tears
would hit the (beep) in my pants.
(audience laughs)
Tickle the pickle 'til he (beep).
They had a name for the game.
(audience laughs)
That's how often they were playing it.
Tickle the pickle 'til he (beep), really?
I'm a nine year old boy, right?
I'm adorable at nine,
little tiny little nine year old, leather jacket on.
(audience laughs)
Who are your heroes when you're nine?
Your older brothers, that's who.
And they took advantage of that, big time, John and Todd.
They used to play hide and go seek with me,
but they wouldn't go seek.
(audience laughs)
Who doesn't search for their nine year old brother?
That game's called hide and go die, little brother.
That's what that game's called.
(audience laughs)
"Okay, Pickle. Here's how we play.
You go find a real tight space with limited oxygen.
We're gonna go play Legends of Zelda
for six and a half straight days."
(audience laughs and applauds)
Hiding in my neighbor's car trunk.
They're never gonna find me here.
No, they're not, 'cause they're not looking for you,
because they're (beep).
- Earlier this year, something pretty major
happened for me.
I became an uncle for the first time,
which is pretty cool. (audience cheers)
Oh, thank you so much.
I had nothing to do with it, but cool.
I'll take the congratulations.
Yeah, I became an uncle and that's really cool.
I'm really excited.
Less cool, I have a very religious family,
and there were many people in my family who were concerned
about me being around the baby, because I am gay.
I know, which is sort of ridiculous,
'cause it's like nobody in my family
has seen any of the guys that I've (beep),
'cause I can do so much better than some (beep) baby.
Okay? (audience laughs)
Like, come on.
Look at what I'm working with here.
(audience cheers) All right?
That baby wishes, all right.
(audience laughs)
My sister's baby should be so lucky,
at the end of the day. (audience laughs)
My family is very, very Christian.
They're very evangelical, Southern Baptist Christians.
They're so Christian that they homeschooled me
until I was 16 years old,
because they did not want me learning about sex
or evolution, and as like a fun fringe benefit of that,
now I don't know about states either,
which is pretty cool. (audience laughs)
Just never knowing where I am, you know.
I recently truthfully had to ask a friend, what is Oklahoma?
(audience laughs) You know, because
seems sort of unclear.
- I wanted to come out to my Muslim family
for a really long time,
but my dad was always like,
"Shh, keep it a secret, man."
(audience laughs)
"Secrets are cool."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Dad, I'm married now.
What's your your five year plan with this secret?"
I just keep on showing up to family things with like,
"My white best friend. She loves Ramadan."
(audience laughs)
Pretty soon I've got like a little kid best friend.
"I don't fucking know. What?
I found him in a well."
(audience laughs)
I do want a kid eventually.
That's the only thing that sucks about being a lesbian
is like, in order to have a baby that looks
half like me and half like my wife,
I need my brother's sperm.
(audience laughs)
No straight girls ever need their brother's sperm.
Like for, to complete this potion.
(audience laughs)
No, I need it.
And it's not for me.
Some people are weird after shows and they're like,
"You can't put that shit inside of you, man.
Your babies will be weird."
Like, you're weird. (audience laughs)
They think I wanted to make like a super Jalees.
Like yeah, she's 90% blind, 50% deaf,
but a hundy percent Jalees.
No, I want my brother's sperm
so that my wife does a handstand,
I do a layup and just poof, baby.
(audience laughs)
Right?
The gayest move in the WNBA.
(audience laughs) Done.
- First time I met my biological father,
he took me out to lunch,
and the place he took me turned out to be
a family style restaurant, which
kind of ironic.
(audience and Sam chuckle)
They should make broken family style restaurants.
(audience laughs)
You just walk in like, "Where's the waiter?
I think he abandoned us. I don't know, but..."
(audience laughs)
They forget to come out and sing Happy Birthday.
They're like, "We forgot, but
we'll make it up to you next year."
(audience laughs)
Another guy comes out, he's like,
"I don't actually work here.
I'm just banging the owner.
I'll be your step waiter."
(audience laughs)
Is that one too real for the crowd? Sorry.
- I got a friend that had a daughter at the same time I did.
But she's been talking for two years now.
Articulate too.
Like, "Mommy, can I have a sandwich?"
(audience laughs)
And I was like, wow.
(audience laughs)
There's a D in sandwich?
(audience laughs)
And every time we go over there she shows off.
"Mommy, can we go upstairs and play with my toys?
Mommy, little Jo wants to go outside
and swing on my swings.
Mommy, little Jo's hungry.
Can we get something to eat? Mommy."
(audience laughs)
And she's like, "Yeah, we can get something to eat.
But what does little Jo want?
What do you want to eat, little Jo?"
"I want a (Jo yells gibberish)!"
(audience laughs and applauds)
"He wants a sandwich."
(audience laughs)
"Where's his helmet? It's around here."
(audience laughs)
I buy this kid every toy in the book.
Every toy.
Every toy you can think of, I bought it for him.
Guess what he plays with most?
His penis.
(audience laughs)
He can't stop playing with his penis.
It's the best toy. He can't wait.
And he pulls it out and he's, "Daddy, look at my ting ting."
(audience laughs)
He can't talk, but he named it as ting ting.
"Daddy want ting ting."
(audience laughs)
"Daddy!
Daddy want ting ting."
(audience laughs)
"Daddy want ting ting."
(audience laughs)
His favorite toy is Thomas the train.
His favorite train is Percy the train.
Guess what he calls it? Pushy.
"Pushy, Pushy, Pushy, Pushy.
Daddy, I want Pushy."
And I know you guys are thinking to yourself,
"Oh, big deal. It's just pushy."
But just imagine me pushing him in a shopping cart
at Toys 'R' Us. (audience laughs)
He's yelling, "Pushy, Pushy, Pushy, Pushy,"
while he's tugging on his ting ting.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Try explaining that to security for a half hour.