Before CrossFit,
before Paleo,
before SoulCycle,
there was only one name in fitness.
Hello, losers.
Miss me?
Sorry to interrupt your internet life,
but for the last 13 years,
while I've been living a sugar-free,
protein-forward lifestyle,
I've watched as all of you have gotten fatter
and dumber.
With your “hashtags” and your “baes” and your “Kanyes.”
Everyone is so PC now.
Even good old-fashioned bullying is out.
Well, White Goodman has decided to get with the times.
That's right.
It's time for a little charity dodgeball, bitches.
Those do-gooders at Omaze
have decided to offer you mouth-breathers
an Omazing chance
to win a once-in-your-pathetic-lifetime experience:
playing a little dodgeball with me, White Goodman.
You heard me,
one of you lucky losers, and probably your only friend,
can come test your dodgeball mettle against
the best baller in the biz:
c’est moi.
So, if you--
Not so fast, White.
La Fleur.
Long time, pal.
See you're sticking with the hair choice. Strong move.
Yes, I am sticking with the hair choice.
Hello, Kate.
You're looking sensual.
You okay?
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
It happens. I'm good.
Anyhow, sorry to interrupt your super weird thing here,
but we figured we should jump in.
We want to give everyone out there a choice.
Hey, hey, hey! You don't talk to camera! Okay?
This is my charity video.
I talk to camera, you don't talk to anything.
You can enter for a chance
to play on Globo Gym's team.
Or on our team, Average Joes.
In case you've forgotten,
it takes two teams to play dodgeball, White.
"You need two teams to play dodgeball, White."
You want two teams?
You got it, Chachi.
Purple Cobras.
[hiss]
You remember my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell.
And the world's deadliest,
legally-female lady dodgeballer,
Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky.
Hi, ya, hello.
I forgot about her.
You want to do this again, White, we'll do this again.
And we'll whip your ass just like we did last time.
Oh, nobody whips my ass except me.
And sometimes Me'Shell.
Blazer, would you please ball me?
Hey, Justin.
Yeah?
Catch!
Ooh-ey dooey! Baby goes to sleep!
Night night.
He fell down on the ground because
he got hit
in the face
with a wrench!
White, I'm gonna drop you like third period French.
It's on.
Oh yeah, it's on!
It's on AF!
It's on so much, that it never was off.
Like, it was a waste of energy
because we kept it on the whole time.
Prepare to be humiliated on internet television.
For charity.
Pump the brakes, White.
This moment is bigger than both of us.
Go to omaze.com/globo to join my team.
Or go to omaze.com/joes to join our team.
Or don't go to omaze.com slash nothing.
Don't.
Or do. Slash. Slash.
Don't.
Slash Joes.
Don't.
Slash Joes.
Don't.
Average Joe's versus Purple Cobras.
Come for the charity.
Stay for the balls.