Tonight is the last ever Jim Jefferies Show.
It's been a great three years and we're sad to go,
but for good reason...
I’ve solved everything.
Take a look.
Welcome to the first episode of The Jim Jefferies Show.
We hit the ground running attacking the world's biggest problems.
How do you solve racism in America?
Bring back slavery. But this time, everyone has a go.
Emboldened by my quick success, I was eager for more.
There were hurricanes, tornadoes, floods.
The worse the air quality, the better the breast milk.
From there, it was onto the drug crisis.
So where did he dump those drugs? I can help you with those if you want to find those.
The drugs are not dangerous. It's the people that take them, isn't it?
Yeah, you gotta be good at it.
Can you name anything that weed can't do?
It can't roll itself.
Healthcare.
Why do I have to pay for healthcare when the fire department is free?
I know how to put out a small fire.
I don't know how to get rid of a little bit of AIDS.
And that's how we all live together in harmony.
By getting as far the f**k away from each other as possible.
I even fixed the U.S. Constitution.
I just drew a penis.
But just when I thought I'd solved it all,
The forecast is we're all going to die and there will be no one left to remember our stories.
There is no future.
I needed to think bigger, so I took it international.
Australia.
I'm in Dublin.
Tokyo.
We're on the streets of Tel Aviv.
Hawaii and Hong Kong.
My opium's here.
Defending reproductive rights, the Great, and very dead, Barrier Reef.
Peace in the Middle East: Nailed it.
L'Chaim, l'chaim, l'chaim.
I met some police officers who don't shoot people
and some North Korean soldiers who definitely do.
I even solved gambling addiction.
Maybe like a noose on the roof that lowers every time you lose a hundred bucks.
That's probably pretty severe.
Yeah, but I'm fixing problems.
Some issues, I could solve just by shouting into a camera.
Give me a beer! I love beer!
Do your part by getting wasted in front of your kids at home.
12am to 1am will now take three hours.
Universal basic income really works.
There's no more poverty, no more hunger, no more war.
I don't mean to get sentimental, but allow me to say:
You're welcome.
I have a beautiful penis.
That is sexy.
You don't use profanity. Why the f**k not?
I'm not the f**k interested.
Ahhh!
(Chewbacca noises)
Hitler was a Jew.
Hey Iran, suck a dick.
Uh, there's a good chance I'm gonna be back here at the White House.
Would you like a napkin?
Nah. I'm good, mate.
This guy shot mother f**king Bin Laden.
Yeah!
Congratulations to you all.
Repeat after me. Don't be a c**t.
[All] Don't be a c**t.
That's all I have to teach ya.
There you have it!
Can you feel that?
We're, uh –
We're living in a utopia now, so...
Congratulations.
On a personal note, I'd like to thank everyone who tuned in,
whether you watched every week or you were too stoned and fell asleep watching Tosh.0.
To the cast and crew, to Comedy Central, thank you very much for giving me this opportunity.
I didn't take it for granted.
To the crew, the best people I've worked with.
I'm really proud of the fact that the show was good.
It didn't f**king suck and, you know –
I'm happy with that.
I think – I think we did some amazing field pieces.
And many of the crew, I traveled the world with.
We went around several times and we lived out of each other's pockets.
These field pieces were some of the best experiences of my life.
But the best experience of the show was becoming friends with many of you.
So thank you very much.
So, I'm Jim Jefferies. I think we can all do better. Goodnight.
See you later.