Okay.
Based on the book that inspired a million crying girls' Tumblr posts...
Comes the romance that did for cancer what Twilight did for vampires.
The Fault In Our Stars
Ride along for a touching story about how one girl's cancer led to fun,
sex,
and extravagant European vacations.
But instead of sugarcoating the truth, get ready for two well-rounded characters with
a powerful message:
Everyone you love will die.
Meet Hazel, and her sidekick:
luggage.
She's a smart young girl who's more than just a cancer survivor:
she's also a total downer.
"Depression's not a side-effect of cancer; it's a side-effect of dying."
"Hey, I just wanted to say that you know there's gonna come a time when all of us are dead."
"You just die in the middle of life."
"Dying sucks."
Hazel's world will transform when she attends the most adorable
cancer support group ever.
There, she'll meet fellow survivor Augustus Waters,
a confident, 6 foot 4, well-spoken, adorkable, polite, funny, star-athlete, philosopher-poet
with a six pack.
"Probably why I'm still a virgin."
Uh huh, sure you are.
Together, they'll bond over a book with a title just as pretentious as "The Fault
In Our Stars."
"An Imperial Affliction."
And their shared habit of talking like really weird old people.
"Your daughter, she's done a great injustice."
"You have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are."
"I am in the midst of a grand soliloquy here!"
"Welcome to the sweet torture of reading An Imperial Affliction."
"Drink gimlets, and take pot."
"Uh, you don't take pot."
Follow Gus' heroic struggle to get into a dying girls pants,
a struggle so difficult he has to read her favorite book.
"Pain demands to be felt."
"You're quoting my book!"
Score her a meeting with its reclusive author,
and exploit a cancer charity to send them on a dream vacation, just to get out of the
friend-zone.
"Friends."
You earned it, pal.
Say "OK" to a PG-13 film that glorifies underage drinking,
"I'm tasting the stars."
life threatening sex,
"I can't breathe."
And making out in the room where Anne Frank was abducted, with no consideration for the
people who came there to honor the Holocaust.
Uhhh, not sure that warrants a slowclap but...
OK?
So cuddle up for a beautiful finale where our star-crossed lovers have a moment of true
happiness together...
before everything goes to hell.
"What is it?"
Featuring...
Tough to watch medical emergencies,
heartbreaking hospital visits,
a close friend going blind,
a close friend getting dumped for just for going blind! The bitch!,
Willem Dafoe being a dream-crushing dick,
"I want you to leave."
Teenagers with cancer attending their own practice funeral,
real funerals,
and FOUR different eulogies?!
"You gave me forever within a number of days, and for that I am eternally grateful!"
Enough!
It's too sad!
Just go to starring!
Go!
Starring...
Oh That's Ansel, He's So Hot Right Now
Sick McLovin
Jurassic Mom
That Guy Who Showed His Butt A Lot on True Blood
Douchepants
and Tewwwbs.
Cancer F*cking Sucks
"You put the thing that does the killing right between your teeth but you never give it the
power to kill you."
He totally stole that from Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It.
"Ciga-cigar right from Cuba-Cuba. I just bite it, it's for the look, I don't light it."