[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]
PUTTS >> Greg: HAPPY MONDAY
EVERYONE AND WHAT A GREAT MONDAY
IT IS.
FIRST OF ALL KAT TIMPF IS BACK
FROM HER HONEYMOON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT IS GOOD TO SEE HER, SHE LOOKS
FANTASTIC.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU CAN TELL THAT SHE ENJOYED
HER TIME OFF, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE
PUT ON SOME WEIGHT.
[LAUGHS]
ALSO AS YOU KNOW IT IS MY
BIRTHDAY.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]
AND LIKE PUMPING THROUGH JOB --
>> HE HAS A REMARKABLE HUMAN
BEING.
>> HE IS AN IMMENSELY, IMMENSELY
TALENTED --
>> HE IS VERY CHARMING.
>> HE TALKS LIKE A DUDE.
>> HE IS SUCH A VISIONARY AS A
WRITER.
>> HE IS A VERY, VERY NICE GUY.
[LAUGHS]
>> HE IS FUNNY, HE IS VERY
FUNNY.
>> HE IS ADORABLE, HE MIGHT BE
THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
>> I LIKE IT.
>> Greg: YOU SEE I CAN UNITE
EVERYONE AND I LIKE TO THANK
EVERYONE AT FOX FOR ALL THE
GREAT GIFTS THAT I RECEIVED AND
THANK YOU SEAN HANNITY, I LOVE
THE WHEELS.
TUCKER, I ALWAYS WANTED A ROLEX
AND THANK YOU BRIAN, BUT REALLY
ONE OF YOUR KIDS?
[LAUGHS]
I PROMISE I’LL TAKE CARE OF
THEM.
MY BIGGEST PERSONABLE BRIAN
STELTER.
IT DIDN’T INVOLVE JEFFREY.
[LAUGHS]
YES, THE UNEMPLOYED OLD BLUE
BOOK WAS HIRED BY HARVARD TO
HOLD DISCUSSIONS ON THREAT TO
DEMOCRACY.
I ONLY HOPE THAT THEIR ENDOWMENT
CAN AFFORD THE THREAT TO THEIR
EMPLOYMENT.
[LAUGHS]
TO PARAPHRASE THAT GUY IN JOS,
HARVARD IS GOING TO NEED A
BIGGER [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
IF HE GETS 20 STUDENTS THAT’S
MORE VIEWERS THAN THE AD AT CNN.
[LAUGHS]
WHEN TEENAGERS CALL HIM ON HIS
LIES HE CAN ACTUALLY FAIL THEM.
SO WHAT MAKES HIM AN EXPERT
QUALIFIED TO TEACH AT HARVARD
HIM AS OPPOSED TO A STAPLER OR A
BAG OF LOOSE NICKELS?
HE IS NOT.
THEY TAKE CARE OF THEIR OWN.
HE WAS THERE A USEFUL IDIOT,
THIS IDEA OF A THREAT TO
DEMOCRACY WHICH IS A THREAT TO
DEMOCRATS.
TO BRIAN, THOSE THREATS WERE
YOU, TRUMP AND MAYBE SALADS.
AND REALLY THE ONLY OPERA SEAT
THAT THREATENS HIM AS A
MERITOCRACY IS BASED ON MERIT
BRIAN WILL BE WORKING AT
TACO BELL INSTEAD OF BLOCKING
THEIR DRIVE THROUGH AT 8:00 A.M.
[LAUGHS]
JUST WAIT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE
BRIAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, THOSE
WHO CAN’T DO EAT.
[LAUGHS]
NO, IT IS EAT.
[LAUGHS]
FIRST HARVARD HIRES de BLASIO,
SO WHO IS NEXT CUSTOMER COULD BE
ALEC BALDWIN?
I MEAN THERE IS A CLASS THAT’LL
DEFINITELY NEED A TRIGGER
WARNING.
[LAUGHS]
OF COURSE RYAN IS ONLY TO DO AT
HARVARD WHAT HE DID AT CNN WHICH
IS PUSH THE MESSAGE THAT YOU
GUYS ARE DANGEROUS AND THAT YOU
ARE TERRORISTS AND HE IS NOT
ALONE.
IF YOU WATCH THE LIBERAL MEDIA
YESTERDAY ON SEPTEMBER 11TH YOU
WOULD’VE THOUGHT IT WAS 19
MEMBERS OF MAR-A-LAGO THAT FLEW
INTO TWIN TOWERS.
IF ONLY IF CHUCK TALKED TO
WONDER IF WE ARE NOW AS A NATION
BATTLING A THREAT EQUAL OR
GREATER FROM WHAT WE FACE FROM
9/11?
>> WE ARE NOW BATTLING A THREAT.
IT IS THE THREAT, EQUAL OR
GREATER IN WHAT WE FACE AFTER
9/11.
>> THERE IS AN OATH THAT WE
ALWAYS TAKE, WHICH IS TO DEFEND
AND UPHOLD OUR CONSTITUTION.
AGAINST ALL ENEMIES BOTH FOREIGN
AND DOMESTIC.
>> Greg: IT’S LIKE TWO YOGA
BALLS INTERVIEWING EACH OTHER.
[LAUGHTER]
HER ANSWER WAS EMPTIER THAN HER
PANT SUIT, WHAT IT ABOUT
PANTSUITS?
LUCK, HILLARY, MICHAEL JACKSON,
WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE AT A
PANTSUIT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY RUN
RUN.
THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WONDERS WHY
PEOPLE HATE THE MAINSTREAM
MEDIA, IT’S BECAUSE THE
MAINSTREAM MEDIA HATES YOU.
YOU MIGHT GO TO CHURCH, DRIVE A CAR TO WORK, OR ASK WHY YOUR
CAR TO WORK, OR ASK WHY YOUR
KID’S TEACHER A GOATEE AND OF IT
REGINA.
THIS NONSENSE IS EASY IT’S LIKE
HATING THE WEALTHY BECAUSE
ANYTHING THAT POSES A CHALLENGE
TO THE MEDIA’S AUTHORITY MUST BE
CRUSHED.
>> DO YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT
WHAT THE MONARCHY WAS BUILT ON,
IT WAS BUILT OFF THE BACKS OF A
BLACK AND BROWN PEOPLE.
SHE WORE A CROWN WHICH PILLAGE
STONES FROM INDIA AND AFRICA.
NOW FROM WHAT YOU’RE SEEING AT
LEAST IN THE BLACK UNITIES I’M A
PART OF, THEY WANT REPARATIONS.
>> AS BELOVED AS SHE WAS SHE
ALSO RUBS OR PRESENTED AN
INSTITUTION THAT IS A LONG AND
UGLY LEGACY OF BRUTAL
COLONIALISM, VIOLENCE, AND
SLAVERY.
>> Greg: OH, WHO DOESN’T.
WHAT IS IS ALL HAVE IN COMMON?
IT’S AN ATTEMPT TO DESTROY ANY
SHARED MOMENT.
BECAUSE A SHARED MOMENT COMPETES
WITH THEIR POLITICAL OPINIONS.
LOVE OR HATE THE IDEA OF
MONARCHY, IT IS A ROLE THAT
INDEPENDENT OF IDEOLOGY AND HAS
A MEASURE OF COMMON THINGS THAT
ROCKY.
IT MIGHT BE NICE TO HAVE THAT
HERE AND MAYBE WE DO.
[LAUGHTER]
GOOD LUCK WEDGING THOSE ONTO A
THRONE.
[LAUGHS]
ENGLAND STILL TAKES THE STUFF
SERIOUSLY DO YOU KNOW THAT THERE
IS A ROYAL BEEKEEPER WHO BY
TRADITION WAS REQUIRED TO NOTIFY
THE PALACE HIVE OF THE QUEEN’S
DEATH.
I GUESS THEY DIDN’T WANT THEM TO
READ ABOUT IT ON BUZZFEED.
[LAUGHS]
I SHOULD’VE TAKEN IT OUT RIGHT?
I SHOULD HAVE EDITED THAT OUT.
IT IS TOO LATE IT IS IN AND YOU
GUYS SAW IT, I AM HUMILIATED.
I NEVER GOT INTO MONARCHY, THE
CLOSEST I CAME WAS THROWING UP A
ROYALS GAME.
[LAUGHS]
THANK GOD HE LOANED ME HIS HAT.
HE PLAYED FOR THE ROYALS, BUT I
VALUE THE SENTIMENT THAT BROUGHT
A COUNTRY TOGETHER.
TO BE IT IS WHAT AMERICA MIGHT
BE MISSING.
SOMETHING THAT UNIFIES US OTHER
THAN HUB AND PIZZA.
ESPECIALLY AT TIMES WHEN THE
MEDIA AND THERE WILL HEROES TRY
TO TEAR US DOWN LIKE A STATUE OF
ABE LINCOLN.
MAYBE AMERICA NEEDS ITS OWN
ROYALTY.
NOT JUST A PRESIDENT, BUT
PERHAPS A KING, PERHAPS
PIERS MORGAN WAS RIGHT.
IF HE IS AN EXPERT IN BRITISH
ROYALTY, HE MIGHT HAVE THE
ANSWER.
>> I KEEP READING THAT YOU ARE
NOW THE KING OF LATE-NIGHT TV.
SO IN A WAY, THE AMERICAN
MONARCHY NOW RESTS ON YOUR
SHOULDERS.
YOU ARE THE KING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: I’M NOT SURE IF I CAN
HANDLE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF
BEING THE KING AS JOE BIDEN
SAID, HEAVY ARE THE PANTS THAT
WERE THE CROWN.
[LAUGHS]
BUT IF I DO BECOME KING I’VE
INSTITUTED A LINE OF SUCCESSION
FOR THE SHOW IN CASE THINGS
DON’T WORK OUT.
SO IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO
ME THE NEW HOST WILL BE HANS, HE
WOULD DO GREAT I’VE KNOWN HIM
FOR YEARS BUT IF YOU CAN’T
FULFILL DUTIES NEXT UP IS LARS,
HE WORKS ON MY BACKYARD IT WOULD
BE IMPRESSIVE.
HE FEELS YOU CAN ONLY COUNT ON
COOKIE BUTTER.
HE DANCES DOWNTOWN.
[LAUGHS]
IT MADE SENSE EARLIER THIS
AFTERNOON.
[LAUGHS]
BUT AGAIN CAN I HANDLE THE
RESPONSIBILITY OF BEING KING,
WHEN I WAS TEN MY MOM BOUGHT ME
A GOLDFISH BEFORE I BLOW THE
CANDLES, BUT I KNEW THAT.
RATHER THAN TRYING TO SPLIT US
UP I’M TRYING TO KEEP PEOPLE
TOGETHER THROUGH LAUGHTER, HUMOR
AND MY GOOD LOOKS.
I OFFER ALL THE POMP AND
SPLENDOR OF THE GREAT ROLE
FAMILIES, BUT WITH LESS
HEMOPHILIA.
I WILL START UNIFYING BY SAYING
THAT BRIAN STELTER ISN’T WORSE
THAN USAMA BIN LADEN.
THE ONLY THING HE’S EVER
DESTROYED HIS GOLDEN CORRAL
BATHROOM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LET’S WELCOME AND TONIGHT’S
GUESTS.
SHE IS THE REASON JIM ACOSTA’S
THERAPIST IS DRIVING A NEW SEVEN
SERIES, FOR ONE SEAM OR
COUNSELOR KELLYANNE CONWAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HE IS THE REASON WE ARE TOLD TO
MIND OUR ELDERS HOST OF THE
LARRY ELDER SHOW ANYTHING TO
PRODUCER, LARRY ELDER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
WAVES TO THE CROWD.
HE IS THE ONLY COMIC THAT IT’S
CLUBS PAYING HIM AND CANNED
GOODS.
ACTOR, COMEDIAN, JAMIE LISSOW.
AND THAT SHE IS BACK FROM HER
HONEYMOON, BUT WE HAVE YET TO
FIND HER HUSBAND.
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SO MUCH TO COVER WITH THIS
BRILLIANT AND AS I PUT
ALTOGETHER BY MYSELF.
I WANT TO ASK YOU FIRST WHO’S A
BIGGER BOZO?
>> Kellyanne: JUST FOR
EQUATING JANUARY 6TH WITH 9/11,
IT IS NO BETTER EVIDENCE THAT
SOMEBODY IS AFFECTED BY TRUMP
ARRANGEMENT SYNDROME.
IT’S LIKE BEING A 20-YEAR-OLD
KID WHO IDENTIFIES HIMSELF AS A
REPUBLICAN, TO BE AS A RED HAT
THAT SAYS MAKE AMERICA GREAT
AGAIN.
IF YOU TO PEOPLE ON A TV TALK
ABOUT THE FOLKS WHO KILLED THE
PARENT YOU NEVER MET.
21 YEARS AGO, AND OUTS WITH THE
PEOPLE WHO KILLED YOUR PARENT
THAT YOU NEVER MET.
THE PEOPLE WHO BEHEADED DANIEL
PEARL, YOU DON’T EQUATE HALF OF
AMERICA TO BE SPOKES BASED ON
WHAT THEY BELIEVE AND WHO THEY
ARE.
IT STARTED OUT AS ELITISM, AND
SNOBBERY, AND OUTS BECOMING
INCREASING DANGEROUS.
PEOPLE, THEY ARE KNOCKABOUT WITH
IT AND THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES BE COMPLICIT.
IT IS TRULY REGRETTABLE.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS, HERE IN
NEW YORK WE HAVE A HUNDRED AND
18 HATE CRIMES AGAINST JEWISH
MEN SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THIS
YEAR, ONLY ONE SPENT A MOMENT IN
JAIL.
WE HAVE DOMESTIC TERRORISM ALL
AROUND WITH HATE CRIMES, WE
DON’T EVEN HEAR ABOUT IT.
TO CALL PEOPLE TERRORISTS, TO
LOVE THE COUNTRY, WHO BELIEVE
THAT PRICES ARE TOO HIGH, CRIMES
TO HIGH, WE ARE TOO DEPENDENT ON
FOREIGN DICTATORS BECAUSE OF
ENERGY.
THEY DON’T THINK I FIND IT
PRUDENT TO BE IN UKRAINE, JUST
BECAUSE I BELIEVE A CERTAIN
THING THEY WANT TO BE LEFT
ALONE, AND RAISE THEIR KIDS AND
WORSHIP GOD AS THEY WANT TO.
DON’T BE CASTIGATED BY PEOPLE IN
THE MEDIA AND FRANKLY THEIR OWN
PRESIDENT AND VICE PRESIDENT.
>> Greg: IT’S ALSO WORKING
POLITICALLY FOR THEM BECAUSE
YOU’RE DEALING WITH LOW
INFORMATION VOTERS.
SPEAKING OF THAT JAMIE --
[LAUGHS]
UNIT C BUCKINGHAM PALACE FROM
THERE?
I’M SORRY.
WOULD YOU LIKE, WHAT YOU MAKE OF
THE ATTACKS IN THE ROYALTY?
>> Jamie: THERE IS A LOT THERE
I KNOW PEOPLE ARE QUICK TO
DISMISS ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN
9/11 AND JANUARY 6TH, BUT I WANT
TO BRING TO YOUR ATTENTION THAT
THEY ARE BOTH DATES.
[LAUGHS]
>> Greg: YES.
>> Jamie: I WONDER IF THE
FOURTH OF JULY IS CONNECTED?
[LAUGHS]
>> Greg: YOU ARE JUST ASKING
QUESTIONS.
>> Jamie: I MISPRONOUNCED NAME
EVERY TIME I WANDER SO I
APOLOGIZE.
TEACHING AT HARVARD IT IS
RIDICULOUS.
THE ONLY WAY THAT I SUPPORT THEM
TEACHING A CAP CLASS AT SEVEN AT
THE END OF EVERY LECTURE ANOTHER
GUY COMES AND GOES OKAY DON’T DO
ANY OF THAT.
[LAUGHS]
THAT WAS STUPID.
>> Greg: TALK ABOUT A SOFT
LANDING FOR HIM.
SO BRIAN STELTER LANDED ON
ANOTHER BRIAN STELTER.
[LAUGHS]
IS THAT POSSIBLE?
>> Jamie: I WANT TO SAY HAPPY
BIRTHDAY, I JUST TURNED 47 YEARS
AGO.
[LAUGHS]
>> Greg: LARRY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LARRY THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME ON
THE SHOW I BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
FOREVER IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Larry: SAY HELLO TO THE
BLACK VASE OF WHITES ARE
PROMISING.
DON’T LAUGH OUR TARGET FOR THAT
TITLE.
>> Greg: ON EVEN KNOW IF THAT
MADE WHEN YOU MAKE OF THIS IS
KIND OF HOARDER OR BOLT RELATIVE
THIS?
IS A PURELY POLITICAL ACT?
>> Larry: WHEN SOMEBODY ON THE
VIEW I THINK IT WAS SUNNY AND
SHE SAID, FOR YEARS I’VE BEEN
SAYING THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS
ILLEGITIMATE.
THE WEEKS THAT SHE DID THAT
BECAUSE THEY FINALLY REALIZE THE
HYPOCRISY, AL GORE WILL STILL
TELL YOU THAT THE SUPREME COURT
PUT GEORGE W. BUSH IN THE
WHITE HOUSE.
FOR FOUR YEARS, THE ENTIRETY OF
PRESIDENT TRUMP’S PRESIDENCY HE
REFERRED TO HIM AS ILLEGITIMATE
AND ELECTION STOLEN.
STACEY ABRAMS STILL THINKS THAT
2018 THE ELECTION IN GEORGIA WAS
STOLEN.
WHEN KAMALA HARRIS WAS ON
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD, NOT TOO
ARROGANT I THOUGHT AND EGO.
SHE AGREED WITH THEM AND SHE
REFERRED TO DONALD TRUMP AS
ILLEGITIMATE.
DAVID SANG IT FOR YEARS, AND IT
WOULD SHOW SOME DOWN, BUT HE
CANCELED THEM, NO BUT HE SHUTS
DOWN THE SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS
FOR SPREADING THE SO-CALLED BIG
LIE.
>> Greg: THAT’S A GOOD POINT,
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> Kat: GREAT.
>> Greg: DID YOU ENJOY YOUR
HONEYMOON?
>> Kat: I THINK IT’S GOOD THAT
I’M BACK TO WORK BECAUSE USUALLY
FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK I GET
ATTENTION FROM ALL AUDIENCE, AND
WHEN THAT IS GONE AND IT JUST ME
AND ONE HUSBAND [LAUGHS]
IT’S KIND OF A LETDOWN.
IT PUTS A LOT OF PRESSURE ON
THAT GUY.
[LAUGHS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]
>> Greg: WHICH OF THE MANY
ELEMENTS OF THIS MONOLOGUE
STRUCK HE WAS INTERESTING OR
IMPORTANT?
>> Kat: YOUR BIRTHDAY.
[LAUGHS]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND I GOT YOU THE
GREATEST PRESENT OF ALL MEDIA.
[LAUGHS]
I’M BACK.
I DON’T KNOW, I KIND OF WANT TO
TAKE THE CLASS.
I WANT TO GO JUST TO SIT THERE.
I JUST GO AND SIT THERE?
WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM YOU AS AN
EMPLOYED PERSON?
[LAUGHS]
>> Kellyanne: WITH HIGH
RATINGS.
>> Greg: HE GOT FIRED FOR
DOING A TERRIBLE JOB IN
JOURNALISM SO THEY’RE HIRING HIM
TO DO THE SAME THING.
DO YOU THINK HE’S ACTING TO
EXPLORE REAL THREATS TO
DEMOCRACY?
IT’S GOING TO BE ABOUT SO-CALLED
DOMESTIC TERRORISM WEARING RED
CAPS.
>> Kat: BUT I’M A FIND OUT.
>> Greg: AND WHO CAN REALLY
STOP YOU REALLY?
>> Kat: NOT THAT GUY.
>> Kellyanne: HARVARD ACCEPTS
ROUGHLY 5% OF ITS APPLICANTS ALL
YEAR AND THEY SEEM TO ACCEPT
100% OF BILL de BLASIO, AND
OTHERS.
THEY GO THERE AND ARE GIVEN THE
ALMA MATER OF HARVARD SOMEHOW
IT’S TO WASH AWAY THEIR BIASES
AND THE FACT THAT THEY DON’T
HAVE ALL THESE OF THE LATE NIGHT
COMEDIANS ARE FUNNY OVER HERE
READING.
>> Larry: HE IS A GUY THAT’S
AT THE HUNTER BIDEN STORY IS
MISINFORMATION AND THEN AFTER IT
TURNED OUT IT WASN’T HE DENIED
THAT HE SAID IT WAS RUSSIA
DISINFORMATION.
>> Greg: I JUST LOVE THAT THEY
ARE LETTING THEM SIT THERE WHILE
HE FIGURES OUT HIS NEXT CAREER