MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A BRILLIANT COMEDIAN AND NOW THE
AUTHOR OF HER HIGHLY ANTICIPATED BOOK "THE GIRL WITH THE LOWER
BACK TATTOO."
PLEASE WELCOME AMY SCHUMER.
( BAND PLAYING ) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WELCOME!
>> YEAH!
♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> I LOVE THE BAND!
>> Stephen: THEY'RE THE BEST BAND.
>> I LOVE YOU, I LOVE THE BAND.
>> Stephen: I FEEL THE SAME WAY, IN MY DARKEST MOMENTS.
>> OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW BOOK, "THE GIRL WITH THE
LOWER BACK TATOO."
>> I WROTE A BOOK.
>> Stephen: YOU DID.
THAT'S QUITE AN ACHIEVEMENT.
YOU WROTE A GOOD BOOK, NOT JUST A BOOK.
>> I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I COULD READ.
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: YOU'RE FEELING A
LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> WHY, BECAUSE I WALKED TEN FEET?
YEAH, I JUST FINISHED FILMING A MOVIE WITH GOLDIE HAWN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SUCH A ROUGH LIFE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE PART WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SYMPATHETIC
ABOUT, SPENT THE SUMMER IN HAWAII?
>> YEAH, I GOT REALLY SICK THERE.
I GOT BRONCHITIS, WAS IN THE HOSPITAL SO WE HAD TO STOP
SHOOTING.
>> Stephen: YOU WENT TO THE HOSPITAL?
>> YOU KNOW IT!
>> Stephen: LIKE FLUIDS AND STUFF LIKE THAT SNINCHTS SISTER
AND I WERE LAUGHING SO HARD.
THEY WERE TAKING BOOED ALL THE TIME AND THEY KEPT HAVING TO
TAKE MORE.
I WAS ROCK BOTTOM AND, SO, I COULDN'T SPEAK, AND I COUGHED SO
HARD -- >> Stephen: THAT'S DIFFICULT
WHEN YOU'RE A PERFORMER NOT BEING ABLE TO SPEAK.
>> TURNS OUT, I THOUGHT THE GOLD WAS JUST THIS, BUT I'M, LIKE,
ARIEL, YOU HAVE TO HEAR MY VOICE.
I COUGHED SO HARD I FRACTURED MY OWN RIBS.
>> Stephen: DO YOU WANT A LITTLE HOT TEA?
>> THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.
THANK YOU.
SELF-PROMOTION.
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT.
ALL YOU GUYS ARE THE SAME.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT TO.
THAT'S SOFIES.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET TO ENJOY THE ISLANDS?
WHAT ISLAND WERE YOU ON?
> HO-- HONOLULU, OAHU -- I DON'T KNOW, THERE WAS A PALM TREE.
(LAUGHTER) I WAS SICK THE WHOLE TIME.
FIRST OF ALL, I'M FROM HERE, SO I LIKE TO SIT AND NOT MOVE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
AND EVERYONE HIKES THERE.
LIKE, EVERYONE LIKES EVERY DAY.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE SO HEALTHY.
>> THEY'RE SO HEALTHY.
DOGS HIKE.
CATS, YOU WILL SEE ON A HIEFNLGT (LAUGHTER)
I WENT LIKING AND SOMEBODY SAID, ON YOUR LEFT -- IT WAS, LIKE, A
BABY IN A DIAPER BLOWING PAST ME.
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: DID YOU GO TO
KAUAI?
BECAUSE IT'S LIKE THE GRAND CANYON OF --
>> I WAS TOO SICK.
I WAS BED RIDDEN.
>> Stephen: I WENT HIKING ON KAUAI ON MY HONEYMOON BECAUSE WE
WALKED DOWN INTO A CANYON AND I COULDN'T GET OUT.
(LAUGHTER) I THOUGHT, THAT'S IT FOR ME, NO
SEX ON MY HONEYMOON.
I COULDN'T CLIMB UP A HILL.
>> AND NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH YOU.
>> Stephen: I FELT LIKE CUTTING OFF MY ARM BY THE END OF
IT.
>> WHAT A GREAT WAY TO START A MARRIAGE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
HAWAII DIDN'T TOTALLY AGREE WITH ME.
THEY WOULD HIKE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
YOU AND WHICH ARE STOPPED EASILY.
IT WAS REALLY MUDDY AND I ASKED SOMEONE AND THEY SAID, IS IT
GOING TO BE THIS MUDDY AT THE TOP?
THEY WERE, LIKE, YES, BUT ALSO THERE ARE BEES UP THERE.
(LAUGHTER) NOTHING SLOWS THEM DOWN.
>> Stephen: DON'T DRINK THE WATER.
IT HAS LEPROSY IN IT.
>> NOTHING SLOWS THEM DOWN.
>> Stephen: WE WENT TO THE MET GALA.
>> WE DID.
>> Stephen: LOOK AT THIS, THIS IS YOU.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> OH, MY GOSH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL SAFETY PINS.
>> THOSE WERE A NECESSITY.
>> Stephen: YEAH, IN CASE SOMEBODY NEEDED TO CHANGE A
BABY'S DIAPER.
>> I LOOK LIKE BEN ROTH ALSO BERGER -- ROETHLISBERGER.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
WHO IS THAT?
>> ME AND BEYONCE, MY BEST FRIEND
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WOW.
I SAW THIS PICTURE AND I REALLY WANTED TO POST IT BUT I DIDN'T
BECAUSE CAN YOU ZOOM IN ON MY FACE?
I LOOK LIKE A WITCH.
I HAVE A WITCH'S -- THAT IS A WITCH'S PROFILE.
I AM A WITCH, AND I HAVE NO IDEA.
BUT, YES.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
>> I GOT TO MEET ME.
>> Stephen: SHE GOT TO MEET YOU.
(APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: WE'LL TAKE A BREAK
AND BE BACK WITH MORE AMY SCHUMER!
♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)