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people say one person can't change a relationship and typically they're talking about well if the
marriage is in trouble one person can't say that although we have indicated and demonstrated over
about three decades now that that's just not true that one person can change a marriage
now the other person does at some point have to reciprocate so whether you're in trouble wanting
to learn how to save your marriage or just make your marriage better let's concentrate on you
for a few minutes that's atypical to begin with because most folks want to concentrate
on the spouse hey how can I get my spouse to do this how can I make my spouse do that we don't
teach you how to change other people we teach you how to change you and when you change for
the better it will definitely have an effect on those people around you even to the point where
hopeless marriage is have been saved because of the spouse who wanted to save the marriage learned
how to change himself or herself and that started the process that eventually healed the marriage
okay I'm Dr Joe Beam with marriage helper this is Jared Pratt hey Jared how's it going hello Dr
beam it's good to be on today Jared's over in the midwest in the good USA and he is well he's been
with us for a long time he's a certified marriage helper coach he helps us in our our workshops and
don't all the Facebook administrators and media administrators all report to you I'm not correct
about that they do I'm the head ministrator head administrator he's a busy busy guy so uh Jared I
tell you what I wonder if you start talking about how one person can do this and I'll probably pop
in with some questions and comments as you go through okay yes absolutely uh so
I was the spouse who wanted to leave my marriage
um and when I looked up information about divorce I actually found a marriage helper article instead
and uh my stories out there uh by a roundabout series of events I eventually started to do pies
for myself now I'm ashamed to say that what I wanted to be able to say was that hey look
everybody I did I did everything possible it's not my fault I had a divorce I even did pies
uh on this website that I found some people may not know what pies is you need to explain
that yes so pies are the areas of Attraction uh physical intellectual emotional and spiritual
and when we improve in those areas um we basically change the way we interact with our relationships
I'll say that uh so if we if we think about this um if I am one ingredient of a mixture
and my wife is the other ingredient when her and I interact we produce this mixture called marriage
and if my marriage contains things like bitterness Envy impatience resentment
things of that nature well one of us or both of us have put that stuff into the mixture
there really is no other source of mixture other than the people that are creating it
if I want my marriage to contain better things um love joy peace Grace forgiveness Good Will
friendship um cooperation all of the good stuff I have to grow that stuff inside of myself and then
I have to do relationship with my best authentic self and this is why marriage helper is going to
lean so heavily on the concept of Pies because pies makes you a better relationship ingredient
we can make the relationship better it can um so
if I were if we were to think about um you know I have a relationship with my mom and I
have another relationship with my good friend from the office and I have a relationship with my wife
if I were an impatient person um impatience is going to go into all of those relationships
because I'm the common ingredient it's going to go into all of them kind of whether I want it
there or not if I then grow in my pies let's say emotionally I become better balanced I'm happier
um I'm more tolerant of people I'm better at forgiving I grow more patient
can I become more patient and have all of those relationships remain completely unaffected
and the answer is no if I change the relationships that I'm creating must also change the ingredients
change the mixtures have to change so um my mom and my wife and my friend they may not do anything
differently but because I am different I'm going to do relationship with them in a different way
but doesn't that in the long run actually change their behavior
I think that people respond to relationships um as a relationship begins to taste better
we might say they just enjoy it more they want to lean into it more
yeah people do tend to react to what other people do but okay you talked
about emotionally just then and I get that but physically can changing myself physically
actually improve my marriage and if so why how yes yes it absolutely can so physical
um it's not just about losing weight uh physical is about kind of everything about your body
um I actually like to conceive of Pies as having uh outside uh component and an inside component so
physically there's an outside of my body um am I dressed well do I smell nice um is my hair combed
uh have I brushed my teeth that kind of thing that's the part of my body that people can see
and interact with and then there's inside parts of my body have I slept well have I eaten well um
you know am I uh relaxed things like that that's parts of my body that people can't necessarily
see but when I am doing relationship with another person the way my body feels internally and the
way my body looks on the outside has an effect on how that person uh does relationship with me
you know seeing the outside that makes sense I think most people will say okay and say if
you if you smell better if you you know dress better I can see how that would interact with
a relationship changing the body inside how does that change me in a way that actually affects my
spouse and why does it affect my spouse yes so if I were uh more rested let's say I may have
better emotional control my mind works better when I'm more rested if I'm what if I'm eating well I
probably have Clarity of thought I'd probably just feel better in general and so I'm going to act in
ways that I think have a powerful impact on how I create relationship with people I mean you can
imagine if I were in pain if I have a toothache a toothache is not really something that people
could necessarily see about me from the outside but if I have kind of a crabby bad mood about it
um if I'm just too patient in short right you know yeah so physically then ties into emotional so to
all the past interlace in that sense that each of them affects the other they do yes uh physically
if I'm very tired you know how how good am I at doing a math test when I'm very tired you know
my mind is part of my body it's a physical thing inside of me uh and it can become sleepy and so if
I'm taking care of my body I'm helping my mind out I'm taking care of my body I'm helping out
my emotions I'm also helping out my spirit you know how well can I pray I'm very tired
um and so we see a system where all of the pies are influencing all of your other pies
um I could I could intellectually control my emotions you know I could I could pray in a smart
way right I could pray at a better more educated way I could intelligently look after my body
I could emotionally with good will uh learn something you know help my mind
um right so if a person was going to start doing things right now Jared okay I'm listening to you
I want to make my marriage better or maybe get on the path of saving my marriage which one typically
is the best one to start with the physical intellectual emotional or spiritual well they're
all important but the one that's going to be the most lacking typically is going to be emotional
um people usually look okay I mean the there's some low-hanging fruit um we can join the gym and
go to church you know okay uh intellectually we could learn some stuff about our spouse's interest
but it's really going to be the emotional piece are we friends do we evoke emotions
and the other person that makes them feel good um that's the stuff that is usually
usually the thing missing by the time somebody calls me as a coach
they've got into a place where that uh what they do as a vacuum
negative emotions from their spouse that's what evoking evoking correct
how quickly can people figure that out I mean if you're talking to a client and you say okay
then we've got to reduce these things you're doing evoking negative emotions and increase
the things that invoke evoke positive motions how often does your client go what what does that mean
well I find that it's instantly understandable and difficult to apply
so really easy understandable because I've had times when guys particularly looked at
me and go I don't know what I do that evoke some negative emotions I don't know what I
do that invokes a possible function is that because they're not wanting to know
sometimes there can be a stubbornness uh in in the client
um I you know how dare that person not feel emotionally good when they're around me
because I'm doing all this stuff for them you know there can be maybe a pride thing
um sometimes people are uh they're just confused they're scared or they're lonely or they're uh
just almost in panic mode and that like they don't understand how to control themselves enough to
evoke positive emotions uh but but in terms of being able to understand like hey I should be
able to evoke emotions uh that's an idea that people can grab pretty fast but then how do I
apply that knowledge to change my situation that's a bit of a journey for most folks is
very helpful well I can see that so is it because of the fact that they don't interpret their own
behaviors accurately and a coach can help them do that or or they're so much in a pattern that they
don't know quite how to get out of that pattern or or what yeah they can't see the forest for the
trees it's uh it's very hard to look at your own behavior from an outsider's perspective without
emotional attachment and investment uh it's very hard to see yourself objectively and so sometimes
it is good to have just a third party come along and just get an extra set of eyeballs on it okay
so Jared we uh thank you by the way obviously you caught up on this and I know that you work with a
lot of clients we have about two minutes left maybe uh so sum it all up tied together yes uh
your pies are an investment in yourself That Pays in relationship
you're going to be with you for the rest of your life and so you know I hope your marriages
all work out uh but if they don't you're still going to be with you forever and so it's it's
very worthwhile to to invest in yourself and work your own pies it's very worthwhile to become just
emotionally in tune with people around you uh to become emotionally in tune with yourself so
that you evoke emotions for you that you enjoy feeling people like being around happy people
um and the effect of that is that relationships improve when you change
excellent very good thank you Jared thank you for joining me on the program I appreciate that
folks if you want to know more about coaching apparently with my pleasure oh good Jerry's one
of our certified coaches and uh I don't think we know how many we have 15 16 something like I read
that at the point of this recording but Jared's been with us since Noah's flood I mean he's been
with us a long long time and if you'd like to know more about coaching with him or any of our coaches
if you want to find one like if you're living in another country that might be a little closer to
you or speaks Spanish for example you can find out what we have by going to marriage helper that's
marriagehelp er.com slash book p-o-ok and if you fill out a form there then one of our folks will
contact you back to see what it is that you might be looking for and then that person will refer you
to whoever on our team can best direct you to what it is that you that we can do that can help you
so you won't be talking to a code right off to Matt you're one of the people talking to the coach
the second ten the first one is like let me send you to the right area the second person is okay
now let me help you find the right thing we can do for you and if we can't I'll tell you that as well
but Jared do you have any slots open I know you stay really busy any coaching slots open at this
point I do have some I do have some slots yes I am taking new clients um you can typically get on
my schedule as of now you can typically get on my schedule within two or three days so probably not
the same day but usually within two or three days you can get on that it's pretty unusual
I know did you say baked up guys they booked up quite a bit with us and also we have free videos
on youtube.com marriage Helper and all kinds of things including pies and we also have those
intensive three-day Workshop if your marriage is in trouble it's it's exceptionally powerful
in helping people figure out how to resolve their issues and put the marriage back together even if
one spouse doesn't want to be at the workshop but only comes for a deal like okay if you'll sign the
divorce papers two weeks after the workshop I'll come that kind of thing we care we want the help
you can find out more about pies also there's a podcast that Kimberly our CEO Kimberly Holmes does
calls it starts with attraction you can find that on their apple podcast all the podcast big sites
you can find that starts with attraction there and start listening to Kimberly talk about pies
and all those kinds of things Jared thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day I
know that you have clients waiting on you and you stay super busy but I appreciate you being here
I appreciated being here quite an honor good good thank you and as you guys can hear from
just listening to Jared he's a thinker he gets everything very specific very work and so some
people say I want a coach like that well he would be a good one for you for that thank you guys for
being part of this relationship radio program and we'll see you soon on another take care
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