Theme: I'll be ready (I'll be ready)
Theme: Never you fear (No don't you fear)
Theme: I'll be ready
Theme: Forever and always, I'm always here.
Allison: One of my favorite things to do while viewing Baywatch
Allison: is to make up various ways that Eddie could be abused
Allison: So it works out well when the episode does it for me.
Allison: and thank God this episode not only focuses on Eddie
Allison: But also features a subplot about Trevor
Allison: making it a double whammy a favorite Baywatch season one characters.
Allison: Okay, That's a lie
Allison:They're all my favorites.
Allison: Yeah, I think it's a pretty good sign when we're 4 episodes in
Allison: and this is the second episode with "wave" in the title.
Allison: A "Second Wave" if you will
YEEEEEAAAAAH
Allison: Ah, well, it's not like I'm going with the German titles at least.
Allison: The land where everything must be matter of fact and literal.
Allison (in a bad German accent): Do not give me this wordplay. Just tell me what happens.
Allison: I can't do a German accent, I apologize.
Allison: So hey did you know David Spade was in an episode of Baywatch in his third role ever?
Allison: Well, now you do! And fittingly enough,
Allison: The first scene in this is some completely ridiculous thing
Allison: where this group of no-gooders wants to burn his board in a "surf sacrifice."
Allison: This is apparently supposed to appease some sort of higher being
Allison: that will provide them with big waves
Allison: I'm not sure what deity this is supposed to appeal to,
Allison: Chet the God of pre-stardom slogs?
JImmy, Disciple of Chet: Virgin surfboard, or virgin surfer.
Jimmy: It's your choice. Would you get with the California swing. Beej?
Jimmy: Virgin Surfboard burning is a well-respected custom.
Allison (as Jimmy): Come on. Beej. This is a perfectly acceptable reason to threaten someone's life
(Cartoon sound effect)
Allison: Apparently the sacrifice works, because the waves are totally bitchin' in the next day.
Allison: After some time Shauni raises the flag
Allison: Signaling it's time for surfers to come back in and make room for swimmers
Allison: This guy is like the best generic asshole with a square-shaped head they've had on the show so far
Jimmy: Who're you talking to, pops?
Jimmy: why don't you take a clue, grandpa and get your ugly elephant gun (what?!) out of my water
Shauni: Hey you guys, flag's up. Take your boards out of the water and into the sand
Allison (as Eddie): I can help, Shauni--
Allison (as Eddie): Ow
Allison: But it turns out that skunk head is an old enemy of Eddie's
(Allison makes dramatic sound effects in Eddie's whiny voice)
Allison (as Eddie): Don't look at me Shauni
(Allison cries as Eddie)
Jimmy: On Lincoln there's a bar called "Labels." It's kind of place we used to trash on a Friday night
Jimmy: Stop by sometime, buy me a drink
Jimmy: In fact buy me three years with the drinks (angrily) cuz that's what you cost me
Allison: Whoa, sudden mood whiplash.
Allison (as Jimmy): Hey buddy. How's it going?
Allison (as Jimmy): How's it going for me well pretty awful.
Eddie: All I got to say to you is "see you in the next life"
Jimmy: Yeah, now that I know the color of your shorts, you can't hide pal!
Allison (as Jimmy): You've been fortunate because I suffer from face blindness.
Allison (as Jimmy): But now that I know the color of your shorts, you're history.
(Allison whines as Eddie)
Allison (as Eddie): Hey, Mitch, put these shorts on
Allison (as Mitch): Hey, thanks pal.
Allison: Meanwhile, Craig is getting used to lawyer-ing from home
Allison: As Eddie continually annoys him.
Allison: Craig is to a wholesome and nice to say anything about Eddie's mooching
Allison: But wait until he gets into his Werther's Originals, then we'll see how nice he is.
Gina: I figure you'll get around to opening up to me
Eddie: Me too.
Allison (as Eddie): Can I borrow a cup of family from you?
Allison: I appreciate the double dose of "Everybody hates Eddie," Baywatch. Thanks a bunch.
Allison: Slime-O McMullet shows up at the Pomeroy place to slink around and stir things evilly
Allison: I'm not sure how he knew where Eddie was living, but we'll assume
Allison: Eddie has a tag on him with his name and address in case he gets lost
Eddie: I'm warning you, Jimmy
Jimmy: Or what?
Jimmy: You're gonna cry? (laughs)
(Allison as Eddie makes enraged Muppet noises)
Jimmy: Up there? Just a taste of things to come.
Allison: Good God. What's next? Nefarious vacuuming?
(Loud vacuuming)
Allison (as Eddie): Nooooooo!
Allison: Meanwhile did someone ask what Trevor was doing?
Allison: Oh, nothing. Just listening to his sweet Boombox being Australian, but rhythmic.
Allison: He doesn't have time to enforce rules or whatever.
Trevor: So, lieutenant, you can take you procedures and shove them.
Allison: In case you're wondering about Mitch,
Allison: He's gonna spend much of the episode being sweaty and disgusting
Allison: So trevor's got a girlfriend now, I guess.
Allison (extremely disinterested to the point of robotic): She's also on Law & order.
Allison: Yeah, I don't watch Law & Order
Lisa: He likes me there. He says I make him feel young
Trevor: Young, huh?
Trevor: Well, I think you should be spending more time considering how you make me feel, like tonight.
Allison: Oh be still my Australian, but beating heart.
Lisa: You let me check with--
Trevor: Daddy?
Trevor: You're not jailbait, sweetheart. You don't need Daddy's consent
Lisa: Daddy! You remember Trevor, don't you?
Lisa's "Daddy" (ugh): Hello
Allison (as Trevor): Oi! Who knew girls came with baggage like family?
Allison (as Trevor): Doesn't he know I'm on cereal boxes back home?
Eddie: I've got things on my mind
Shauni: Great, let's hear about 'em.
(Crickets chirp as they are the only things who find Eddie and Shauni's "chemistry" sexy)
(Rescue music plays)
(Allison whines as Eddie)
Allison: Fuck shorts and his gang decide to cause trouble for Eddie at work.
Allison: Which is good news for me!
Allison: Look at David Spade; he's so into it
Allison (as Eddie): Ugh, you're worse than mimes!
Allison (as Eddie): Ow
Captain Don Thorpe: Kraemer, you're lucky I'm not you lieutenant.
Allison (gleefully): Do it, do it, do it!
Allison: Eddie is suspended and Captain Thorpe makes his feelings clear.
Captain Don Thorpe: We don't have room for loners
Captain Don Thorpe: We don't have room for hot heads, and I don't know why you didn't just fire it
Allison: Eddie is such a lone wolf.
Allison: Check out his smoldering eyes
Allison: Looks like it's time for him to do some serious thinking via montage.
(Montage Music)
Allison (as Eddie): Oh, I wish I could be as cool as Mitch
Allison: That is some intense acid wash, let me tell you
(Rock music continues to play in an attempt to make Eddie seem cool)
Allison: Keep trying to sell us on this, show; it is pretty comical.
Allison: That's like trying to tell us David Spade is some intimidating punk--
Allison: Oh wait
(More montage music.)
Allison: No Baywatch, no! No one ever wanted to see this.
Allison (as Eddie): Now that I've done some montage training, I'm ready for--
Allison (as Eddie): Ow! He's beating me up again
Allison: Looks like Eddie learned a valuable lesson from his suspension.
Allison: This guy picks him up like he's a doll
Allison: What is he weigh, like ten pounds?
Allison: Eddie still doesn't want to tell anyone what's going on for some reason.
Allison: Even though there's no real reason to hide that the other guy is a dick.
Allison: You probably could save everyone a lot of trouble if you weren't such a weenie, Eddie
Allison: But (gasp) is that Mitch in a stripy little boys t-shirt carrying a mug of whoop-ass?
Allison (as Mitch): Your burgers are so fired, pal
Allison: It turns out Eddie and Mullet Nuts were foster family-bitch buddies
Allison: who got into trouble together until Buzz Buttkins decided to rob a liquor store and
Allison: Eddie stopped him, landing him in Juvenile hall for three years
Allison: This happened when they were 16. Remember, Eddie is still a teenager
(Allison scoffs)
Craig: Time to hang up the gloves champ
Allison: Yeah, thanks for that condescending piece of fatherly advice, Craig
Allison (as Mitch): Hehe, champ. Good one buddy.
Mitch: Suspension's over.
Allison: What?!
Allison: While this is going on, this is Trevor.
Rich Party goer: Trevor, tell us another!
Another Rich lady: You're charming!
(Haughty laughter)
Allison (as Trevor): Hey, at least I'm not Eddie!
(More haughty laughter)
Allison: Oh my God, that bow tie. I love this man.
Allison: It turns out his girlfriend's dad invited him to the party to humiliate him
Allison: because he's got a lifeguard prejudice.
Lisa's dad: I just wanted to show you what it would be like going out into society with a lifeguard on your arm.
Lisa: Let me show you. Hey Trevor.
Trevor: Don't!
(Dramatic music)
Allison: Gadzooks! Little did she know getting into the water equals instant death
Allison: I'm pretty sure if you aren't a lifeguard, you go past standing water
Allison: you're in the "forget how to swim" zone.
Allison: And then a magnificent underwear and socks dive from Trevor.
Allison: Even though he rescues her, she ends up being taken to the hospital for secondary drowning
Allison: Which is basically when you inhale sea water and the body responds by flushing out the lungs
Allison: and drowning you in your own body fluid.
Allison: So there's your fun fact for the day
Allison: Trevor didn't take her to the hospital to get that checked out
Allison: and in fact doesn't know what secondary drowning is
Allison: Which would seem like something someone who lifeguards next to an ocean should know.
Allison: Where the hell did he get certified?
Allison: Must have passed his test by being Australian, but charming
(Intense music with odd, rhythmic banging)
Allison: Is the soundtrack trapped in a closet or something?
Allison: It turns out the girlfriend was using Trevor to scare her dad
Allison: so she could go to New York and model.
Allison: This is all kind of out of nowhere
Allison: Because they didn't really do much with her.
Allison (as Trevor): Oi, looks like I learned my lesson today about models
Allison: In hot and sweaty Mitch-land, it turns out the lieutenant retest
Allison: he was training for wasn't a physical exam, it was a written test.
Allison: Aw, zing!
Allison: Come on guys; this is just cruel.
Allison: Mitch has a hard enough time figuring out how many burgers he can eat in one hour.
Allison: I'm pretty sure he thinks the lifesavers they use are just large, inflated versions of the candy.
Mitch: I passed?!
Allison: Look at the childlike wonder on his face. Can't fault him for that.
Captain Don Thorpe: Everybody flunked
(Captain Don give world-weary sigh)
Captain Don: And since I can't run my beaches without lieutenants. I guess I'll have to grade on the curve
(Wah wah wah waaaaaah)
Allison: Two highly unrealistic things happen next:
Allison: The first is Shaunie asking Eddie to have some dinner with her.
Allison: The second is Rat face and his goons
Allison: trapping Eddie and Shauni in their tower,
Allison: and attempting to burn them alive.
Allison: Stunt doubles, away!
Allison (as Mitch): I grabbed you counts as my save
(Allison plays goofy chase music)
(Seriously dude, where are you going?)
(At least Garner's in the episode!)
(You're literally going in a circle now)
Craig: He's all yours
Allison (as Mitch): looks like the gloves are off, aye champ?
(Impactful blow lands)
Allison (as Eddie): Ah! You broke my collarbone
Allison: More stupid kids!
Allison: And modern-day pirates?
Allison: Plus Shauni and Eddie annoy each other!