LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
TODAY WAS DAY TWO OF PRESIDENT TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IN THE
SENATE.
BUT DAY ONE DIDN'T END UNTIL EARLY THIS MORNING.
IN FACT, SENATORS HAD TO STAY IN SESSION UNTIL AFTER 1:00 A.M.
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY, IF THIS BECOMES A REGULAR OCCURRENCE,
DON'T YOU DARE CHANGE THE CHANNEL.
THIS IS OUR TIME SLOT!
WE WILL MAKE SURE YOU ARE CAUGHT UP ON EVERYTHING.
THE SENATE STAYED IN SESSION UNTIL 1:00 A.M.
IT COULD HAVE GONE EVEN LATER, BUT EVERYONE WAS PRETTY
DISTURBED BY THE SIGHT OF SENATOR CHUCK GRASSLEY IN HIS
PAJAMAS.
THINGS WENT SO LATE BECAUSE REPUBLICANS WERE BUSY BLOCKING
ALL 11 OF THE DEMOCRATS' ATTEMPTS TO SUBPOENA WITNESSES
AND OBTAIN NEW EVIDENCE DURING THE TRIAL.
IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH LAST NIGHT, IT BASICALLY WENT LIKE THIS:
"WHAT ABOUT--" "NO."
"HOW ABOUT--" "NO."
"WHAT IF WE--" "ABSOLUTELY NOT."
REPUBLICANS STARTED THE TRIAL BY REFUSING TO INTRODUCE EVIDENCE
OR HEAR FROM WITNESSES.
WHICH IS LIKE ME THROWING A SUPER BOWL PARTY AND THEN GOING,
"JUST A FEW QUICK RULES: NO FOOD, NO DRINKS, AND NO WATCHING
FOOTBALL."
MEANWHILE, TODAY, A REPORTER ASKED PRESIDENT TRUMP IF HE WILL
ATTEND HIS OWN IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, AND HE HAD THIS TO SAY...
EURPBLGS I WOULD LOVE TO GO WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT -FPL
WOULDN'T THAT BE BEAUTIFUL.
I WOULD SIT AT THE FRONT ROW AND STARE IN THEIR CORRUPT FACES
-FPL DON'T KEEP TALKING I, IT MAY MAKE ME DO IT.
>> JAMES: TRUMP'S BASICALLY THAT GUY IN A BAR WHO'S LIKE "HOLD ME
BACK!
HOLD ME BACK!
WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS HOLDING ME BACK?"
THE PRESIDENT SEEMS A LITTLE CONFUSED.
HE SAID, "WOULDN'T THAT BE BEAUTIFUL, I'D LOVE TO SIT IN
THE FRONT ROW."
HE DOES KNOW IT'S AN IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, RIGHT?
IT'S NOT A JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT.
MOVING ON, THERE'S AN IMPORTANT WEATHER ALERT TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
BECAUSE OF UNUSUAL COLD IN SOUTH FLORIDA, THE NATIONAL WEATHER
SERVICE HAS WARNED PEOPLE TO, THIS IS TRUE, WATCH OUT FOR...
FALLING IGUANAS.
NOW, THEY'RE OKAY, BUT APPARENTLY, WHEN THE WEATHER
DROPS BELOW 40 DEGREES, IGUANAS BECOME LESS MOBILE AND CAN FALL
OUT OF THE TREE BRANCHES.
SO, PARTLY CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF-- OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY
GOD!
WHAT WAS THAT, DON'T WORRY.
IT WAS AN IGUANA.
WHAT THE.
[BEEP] HERE'S AN IDEA: INSTEAD OF
WARNING SOUTH FLORIDA RESIDENTS THAT IGUANAS MAY GET TOO COLD
AND FALL OUT OF TREES, MAYBE WARN THE IGUANAS.
OR BETTER YET, JUST GET THEM A NICE SWEATER.
AND HERE'S A CRAZY STORY FROM SCOTLAND.
A MAN THERE RECENTLY ROBBED A BANK WHILE WEARING A PILLOWCASE
OVER HIS HEAD.
BUT HERE'S THE THING, HE DIDN'T BOTHER TO CUT OUT ANY EYE HOLES.
AND AS A RESULT, HE HAD TO FLEE THE BANK, "VERY SLOWLY," AND WAS
IMMEDIATELY ARRESTED.
PILLOW CASE... CLOSED.
THE MAN SAID THAT WITH HIS VISION OBSCURED, HIS OTHER
SENSES WERE HEIGHTENED.
FOR EXAMPLE, HE SENSED ALMOST IMMEDIATELY THAT HE WAS GOING TO
GO TO JAIL.
WHEN THE COPS FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO THE MAN IN THE PILLOWCASE,
THEY WERE LIKE, "FREEZE!
NOW TAKE TWO STEPS TO THE SIDE.
NOPE, THE OTHER WAY.
NO, TO THE LEFT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'LL COME TO YOU."
AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS.
A WEDDING IN INDIA WAS RECENTLY CALLED OFF AFTER THE FATHER OF
THE BRIDE AND THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM WENT MISSING JUST BEFORE
THE CEREMONY.
AND IT TURNS OUT THEY RAN OFF AND MARRIED EACH OTHER.
AND YOU THOUGHT THE WORST THING YOUR DAD COULD DO AT YOUR
WEDDING WAS DANCE.
BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, WHAT A POWER MOVE.
PARENTS BAILING ON THEIR KIDS WEDDING AND BEING LIKE, "OH, AND
BY THE WAY, YOU'RE BROTHER AND SISTER NOW.
SEE YOU LATER!
IT'S SHOCKING, BUT THE YOUNG COUPLE NEEDS TO LOOK ON THE
BRIGHT SIDE.
THINK OF IT LIKE THIS, YOU'RE NOT LOSING A FIANCEÉ, YOU'RE
GAINING A SIBLING YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH.