WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, THIS WEEK-- THIS WEEK,
THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCH THE NEWS, THIS WEEK IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,
THE THINKABLE HAPPENED.
REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE, AGAIN.
THIS IS BEYOND BEATING A DEAD HORSE.
THIS IS GETTING DAMN CLOSE TO BEASTALITY, OKAY.
I HOPE THAT HORSE HAS A SAFE WORD.
PUMPKIN PATCH IS WHAT I RECOMMEND.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER, BACK IN JULY, REPUBLICANS TRIED A PLAN
CALLED THE "BETTER CARE RECONCILIATION ACT."
IT WOULD HAVE CUT MEDICAID, INCREASED PREMIUMS, AND LEFT
MILLIONS UNINSURED.
WHEREAS, THIS NEW BILL HAS A DIFFERENT NAME.
THIS ONE'S CALLED THE "GRAHAM-CASSIDY BILL."
AND SOUTH DAKOTA SENATOR JOHN THUNE PAID ONE OF ITS AUTHORS
THE ULTIMATE COMPLIMENT, SAYING, "I JUST TOLD BILL CASSIDY HE'S
KIND OF THE GRAVE ROBBER.
THIS THING WAS SIX FEET UNDER, AND I THINK HE'S REVIVED IT."
ACTUALLY-- THIS IS INTERESTING-- GRAVE ROBBING IS A BIG PART OF
THE NEW PLAN.
YOU KNOW, GET YOURSELF A NEW HIP OR DENTURES, OR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT.
IT OFFERS COMPLETE SHOVEL COVERAGE.
BUT THE G.O.P. NEEDS TO MOVE FAST BECAUSE, DUE TO SENATE
RULES THAT I REFUSE TO LEARN ABOUT, THEY'RE FACING A
SEPTEMBER 30 DEADLINE.
IT'S A RACE AGAINST THE CLOCK.
THEY'VE GOT TEN DAYS TO OVERHAUL THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM, OR
EVERYBODY LIVES.
( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: THEY ALL LIVED.
I'M READY TO LIVE.
I'M READY.
>> Stephen: SO, THANK YOU.
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
IN FACT, THIS IS BEING DONE IN SUCH A RUSH THAT "THE
CONGRESSIONAL BUDGET OFFICE WON'T ESTIMATE THE FULL EFFECTS
OF OBAMACARE REPEAL UNTIL AFTER THE VOTE DEADLINE."
WELL, THAT THERE IS JUST GOOD HEALTH CARE.
LIKE WHEN YOU GO TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE AND HE SAYS, MR. SMITH,
WE WON'T HAVE YOUR TEST RESULTS FOR A WEEK, BUT IN THE MEANTIME,
JUST START MUNCHING ON THAT BOWL OF PILLS OVER THERE."
NOW IT'S A COMPLEX BILL THAT REWORKS, I THINK IT IS,
ONE-SIXTH, ONE-SIXTH OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST ECONOMY.
SO BEFORE THE VOTE, REPUBLICANS HAVE SET ASIDE 90 SECONDS OF
DEBATE.
IN OTHER WORDS, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL OBAMACARE IN ROUGHLY THE
AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES TO MICROWAVE A FROZEN BURRITO.
BOTH WILL KILL YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THERE'S A LITTLE WRINKLE
GETTING THIS DONE, INCLUDING THE 10 DAYS THAT ARE LEFT TO VOTE
ARE, THREE JEWISH HOLY DAYS, WHICH THE SENATE HAS OFF.
BUT THAT DOESN'T BOTHER SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM, WHO SAID, "I
WANT TO HONOR EVERY RELIGION'S HOLIDAY."
BUT THEN ADDED, "HARRY REID HAD A VOTE ON OBAMACARE ON CHRISTMAS
EVE."
THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE, BECAUSE CHRISTMAS IS THE SACRED
STORY OF HOW A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH IN A BARN WITH NO HEALTHCARE,
AND IT WAS FINE.
WORKED OUT GREAT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PERFECT!
PERFECT!
NOW, HERE'S HOW THE PLAN WORKS.
THE PLAN TAKES THE MONEY FROM OBAMACARE'S MEDICAID EXPANSION
THAT 31 STATES OPTED IN TO FIVE YEARS AGO, OR SOMETHING.
AND TURNS THAT INTO A POOL THAT GETS REDIVIDED INTO BLOCK GRANTS
TO ALL THE STATES WHETHER THEY
OPTED IN FIVE YEARS AGO OR NOT.
SO THAT MEANS STATES LIKE MY HOME STATE OF NEW YORK LOSES A
LOT OF MONEY, WHILE MY HOME STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA WOULD
GET A LOT OF MONEY.
SO HALF OF ME IS TOTALLY ON BOARD WITH THIS.
THE BILL'S SPONSOR, LINDSAY GRAHAM, EXPLAINS IT THIS WAY:
>> I LIKE MASSACHUSETTS.
I LIKE MARYLAND.
I LIKE NEW YORK.
I LIKE CALIFORNIA.
BUT I DON'T LIKE THEM THAT MUCH TO GIVE THEM A BUNCH OF MONEY
THAT THE REST OF US WON'T GET.
>> Stephen: "PLUS, YOU KNOW WE'RE JUST GOING TO SPEND IT ON
LATTES AND NPR AND GAY CAKES."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE CAKE IS GAY, RIGHT?
>> Jon: RIGHT, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: FOR A GAY WEDDING, THE CAKE ITSELF HAS TO BE GAY.
THAT'S THE COMPLAINT, ISN'T IT?
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S WILL DEAL, YOU KNOW WHO CARES A LOT ABOUT OBAMACARE?
OBAMA.
REMEMBER THAT GUY?
REMEMBER OBAMA?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: GREAT GUY.
REALLY TALL.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> Jon: REALLY TALL.
>> Stephen: VERY TALL, VERY TALL THAT'S WHAT HE'S KNOWN FOR.
HERE'S WHAT OBAMA SAID TODAY: >> THIS IS SOMETHING I ALWAYS
HAD TO EMPHASIZE TO MY STAFF WHEN I WAS PRESIDENT: BETTER IS
GOOD.
(LAUGHTER) YOU LAUGH, BUT SOMETIMES PEOPLE
FORGET THAT.
I WILL TAKE BETTER EVERY TIME.
SO THAT'S WHAT'S NEEDED TODAY.
>> Stephen: I MISS YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) BUT JUST FOR MY OWN SELF HERE,
JIMMY, CAN WE PUT THAT PICTURE OF HIM BACK UP?
LOOK HOW GRAY HE'S GOTTEN.
THAT'S HOW BAD DONALD TRUMP IS: OBAMA'S AGING FASTER WATCHING
SOMEONE ELSE BE PRESIDENT.
OBAMA KNOWS HIM-CARE ISN'T AND BHAU OBAMA IS SOMEWHAT PASSI
ABOUT THIS.
>> WHEN I SEE PEOPLE TRYING TO UNDO THAT HARD-WON PROGRESS FOR
THE 50th OR 60th TIME WITH BILLS THAT WOULD RAISE COSTS OR REDUCE
COVERAGE OR ROLL BACK PROTECTIONS FOR OLDER AMERICANS
OR PEOPLE WITH PREEXISTING CONDITIONS, IT IS AGGRAVATING.
>> Stephen: SIR, I KNOW YOU'RE FAMOUSLY EVEN-KEELED, BUT
AMERICANS ARE MORE THAN AGGRAVATED.
I'M POURING BOURBON ON MY BREAKFAST, AND MY BREAKFAST IS
SCOTCH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT TRUMP ECONOMIC ADVISER STEPHEN MOORE EXPLAINED WHAT'S
DRIVING THE LATEST REPUBLICAN PUSH TO REPEAL OBAMACARE:
"PEOPLE WANT INSURANCE FOR THEIR OWN FAMILIES, NOT FOR OTHER
PEOPLE'S FAMILIES."
WHAT A COMPASSIONATE MAN.
IT'S ALL SUMMED UP IN HIS NEW LINE OF GREETING CARDS:
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDMA.
"IF WE WEREN'T RELATED, I'D LEAVE YOU TO DIE."
BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
FUNNY, BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
BUT IF YOU ALSO WANT INSURANCE THAT COVERS ONLY YOUR FAMILY,
WELL, FOLKS, THERE'S A COMPANY READY TO HELP.
>> IT WAS HARD FINDING INSURANCE THAT COVERED ONLY MY FAMILY.
LUCKILY, WINICURE INSURANCE DOES JUST THAT.
>> WINNACKER INSURANCE, INSURANCE FOR JUST THE WINNICKER
FAMILY OF OHIO AND NO ONE ELSE.
>> IT'S BUILT ON THE IDEA THAT I'M A WINNACKER, AND WE DESERVE
HEALTH CARE.
OTHERS MIGHT TOO, BUT I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
>> AND WINNICKER IS ONLY $20 A MONTH.
UNLESS YOU'RE SICK, THEN IT COULD BE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.
>> WITH A RIESK POOL OF ONLY THREE PEOPLE, AND OUR DOG,
CHAMPERS, PRICES CAN GET VOLATILE.
>> BUT I CAN'T IMAGINE BEING SICK BECAUSE I'M HEALTH YOU NOW.
AND NOW ISN'T THE FUTURE.
IT'S NOW.
>> I LOVE NOW.
>> WINNACKER INSURANCE, BECAUSE ONLY YOU MATTER.
EVERYONE ELSE IS PROBABLY JUST A HOLOGRAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: RIGHT IN THE HEART.