Welcome back to my dark corner of this sick world
‘There is so much I could learn here’
Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold is a spoof on the old republic serials.
And with its dummy falls…
and troubling bad guys…
It seems aimed at kids.
‘There’s nothing to laugh about’
Right up until one guy has a red hot nail pushed through his lips…
and another has his eyelids cut off…
Prior to them both being gilded…
and turned into masks by the Aztec tribe of the Tulipan.
'Look what they did to their faces'
Our heroine is Yellow Hair.
‘I am not all appache’
A part-appache warrior woman who has an odd relationship with her brother the Pasos Kid.
‘When you were 13 and I was 10 all you did was try to take my clothes off’
Who has been put in jail by a corrupt Mexican colonel trying to loot the Aztecs.
‘What are you keeping from us about the yellow treasure’
Yellow Hair sets out to rescue him.
Yellow Hair doesn’t do subtle.
‘Let’s get out of here before we wake everybody up’
You’ve blown up the jail, anyone not already awake is clearly not waking
‘What are you talking about?’
The pair set out to find the Tulipan temple, he for the gold, she to learn if she is really an Aztec Princess.
‘What!’
There’s a lot going on.
‘I think I’m being generous’
The film draws heavily on Indiana Jones.
‘I thought you were fearless’
‘I am. Cept for snakes’
And as source material, you can’t really fault that, but where Indiana Jones scores highest,
this scores zero; structure.
‘Is something bothering you?’
The fact that this is supposed to be a serial means they can start mid-story and yet it still takes forever to get going.
‘Well it’s no picnic for me either’
It’s almost 20 minutes before we meet Yellow Hair.
‘Quit calling me darling’
And the quest to find the temple starts halfway through.
'Why not?'
In Indiana Jones, it’s a desperate race between Indy and the Nazis,
but here only Yellow Hair has a map, so the Mexican bad guys can’t catch them.
'Hurry up!'
Is he keeping up with a team of horses?
‘Will you stop asking stupid questions?’
As for the Aztecs.
‘These are the most civilised people in the world’
You should have seen what they did to some guys earlier.
‘How civilised can they be? They don’t even have guns’
No comment.
‘Your jokes are not funny amigo’
Yellow hair feels some sort of spiritual connection to these people.
‘I don’t know, it’s just strange’
Which is always just death in these films,
and doesn’t stop the Aztecs trapping the pair in a gully by putting snakes in tumbleweed and rolling them down.
Fortunately Yellow has a brilliant idea…
She climbs out.
‘Well I’ll be darned’
and goes off with the Aztecs.
Pecos follows, but by the time he arrives Yellow has had an Aztec makeover.
and has made some life decisions.
‘I’m going to marry Shateewa’
I’ve done a lot of thinking in the last hour.
‘You sure this is what you want?’
It’s worth noting; they don’t speak English, she doesn’t speak Tulipan,
this is her best guess of what’s going on.
‘It feels right, kid’
Taking some gold with him, the kid leaves, but then...
Okay so the honeymoon’s over.
This is what happens when you rush into marriage.
Civilisation to the rescue!
Somehow causing an earthquake that buries everyone but Yellow and Pecos,
who head to the nearest town, where...
'buenos dias senorita'
I see no way they could have prepared for this, or even know where they’d turn up.
‘My arm will get tired soon and fall down whether I want it to or not.'
At this point; what are they defending?
Firstly, the Aztecs turned out to be jerks. Secondly, you already wiped out their civilisation.
‘I’m real sorry about that’
The movie ends as it began...
‘Don’t miss the next adventure of yellow hair and the Pecos kid’
I wish I’d missed this one.
'What am I doing here?'
Thanks for watching and don't miss our "films that made Indiana Jones special'
Yellow is absolutely inspired by Indiana Jones
What other bad movies have been inspired by great ones and made a complete hash of them.
let us know in the comments below
'Stay on your side of the board there with your own people'