- Oh my god, there's kids in this thing?
(rock music)
Cage looks cool though.
- Yeah, he's doing good, he's getting really fat.
- Did you just try to french him, what happened there?
- No.
- Are you doing MTV Unplugged after this?
- Yeah, I'm gonna do a bunch of old, grunge hits
but just with a guitar.
- I was gonna say I went to one of those
but of course I did not.
But I will say, I saw a clip on Instagram
and they were showing Nirvana at the MTV Music Awards
and Krist, you know the bass player,
throws his guitar up and remember it came down and hit him?
- I watched that happen live.
- No way. - I remember that,
it hit him hard and he stumbles offstage
and there's that moment of like,
was that, I don't think that was supposed to happen,
I think he got legitimately injured.
- And Kurt did not see it and kept singing
and then they went to commercial and Dana was the host,
Carvey, and I was writing for him.
So we were watching and then we go oh, shit.
So I say, go up and say the Nirvana ride is now closed.
(chuckling)
Kind of funny but he said that, and then we saw Krist after
and of course, I didn't care about him,
I was too busy fawning all over Kurt.
(laughing)
- My first Video Music Awards,
I worked at MTV from '94 to '98
and in '95, I got to do commentary,
like roving reporter stuff from--
- Oh right, yeah. - From the,
I think it was in Radio City,
and so just to give you an idea
the bands that performed that year,
REM, Live, Hole, White Zombie,
Michael Jackson, I think did something,
(chuckling) and Dennis Miller hosted.
- Oh my god. - Cha cha!
- What am I, a fuckin'--
- What am I gleek-o?
- What am I kerbeka-buka over here?
(chuckling) - I got a kabuki mask
over here. (scatting)
Sarah, you were too young but this was old things
that happened to old people. - Yeah.
Right, I wish I was too young.
- Let me see, we're gonna talk about Uber Eats
because quickly I'll tell you that the most popular takeout
orders during the quarantine are french fries.
Who's ordering just fries?
(chuckling)
You know when the driver gets there and he's got just fries,
he's like, this motherfucker.
(chuckling)
- I asked for three ketchups, these are only two.
Can you go back and-- - Yeah, all right.
(making tires screeching sound)
Track the gas tank full of ketchup spilling out.
Pad Thai, third is crab rangoon.
Do you guys order the same amount you used to, more or less?
- We're not ordering food in my house, we're making food.
- Oh okay. - We just get groceries
delivered and then we're making food
but I understand the idea of like, just cram
as much comfort food in as possible.
The fries thing makes sense, you stay full longer
but also meals in quarantine don't mean the same.
Like, I'll just eat, like, I've had, let me tell you
something, Frosted Flakes is the finest dinner cereal
you possibly, I've just started like, coming up
with alternate ways of like, pretending it's like, oh,
here's some caramelized corn shavings served over
chilled cream, you know, like,
it's just a bowl of Frosted Flakes for dinner.
- Yeah. - There are no rules anymore.
Like, we can eat whatever the fuck we want whenever we want
'cause we just need to get through
this as comfortably as possible.
- That's right and Sarah, what do you do?
- Yeah, I mean I feel like I'm eating a lot out of bags
and boxes but I feel like, a lot of people, it said,
we're ordering Indian food and I was like, I think
that is because when you're that close to your own toilet,
you can order that kind of stuff.
- Right? - It's less risky, yeah.
- Yeah, there's just no risk involved, like,
you're not gonna order that stuff to the office
but to your house-- - Yeah, chicken
tikka masala and you go,
excuse me, there's my bathroom.
(chuckling)
- I just know that I'm eating so much throughout,
it's basically like being at a Kraft service table
but all day long 'cause you're just constantly eating
to kill time-- - You're always near
the kitchen, yeah, you're never at work.
- You're always near the kitchen and I think
I'm gonna gain what I'm gonna call the quaranton
which is just like, after three months, where you're like,
how did I gain, oh that's right, 'cause I was in my home
just eating all day long, I wasn't out being active.
- I feel like I'm drinking more than normal
too, am I the only one?
(chuckling)
- Oh well, fuck, you had a baby, I'm sure you had a full bar
ready and you were just like, I guess it's good now, right?
(making gulping sounds)
(laughing) - What is that?
Just the whiskey, make sure the temperature
on that is okay, yeah, that's good.
- I try not to mix up the two bottles.
- Yeah, you can put the salt on his head.
(laughing)
Cage!
- You dip the pacifier in the lemon, or like, a lime.
- Yeah. - Always suck the lime.
- Then he goes, wrong one.
(chuckling)
- Whatever helps him sleep, you guys.
(laughing)
- My mom's not a big drinker, I'm sure she drank.
I mean, are kids 1,000% better now?
Like, we fixed that, all the kids are perfectly behaved
and geniuses, they have a few strengths.
You know, my dad was like, a big drinker,
my mom wasn't but the only time I think she drank
when she was pregnant with me.
(laughing)
And then she kicked it.
And you know, this.
- Oh yeah. - Oh, your mom
smoked while she was pregnant with you?
- Fuck, yeah, that's why I'm a fuckin' shrimp cocktail.
(laughing)
I've told her like, speaking of shrimp cocktail,
bing bong, oh I just ordered some.
(laughing)
I like when people order stuff like that.
That's like a hassle, like, shrimp cocktail,
you gotta put the cocktail sauce, gotta put it in ice.
It's like, I don't do anything, I barely get dressed.
I've learned and like, why am I putting this on?
Why am I trying to look nice?
Why am I doing anything?
You realize how in your everyday life, what matters.
Like, oh, I might go to a restaurant,
oh, I might see people at work but when
you're not, it's gets worse and worse.
- Yeah. - Oh my God,
this is, I mean, like, the idea that I had a reason
to shower today because I was doing this was glorious.
You know, like, it felt, I was so excited.
Like, oh, there's some structure, like, I can put on
a sweater and take a shower, you know, I have a reason.
- Yeah. - Like, it, I felt,
like, the purpose from doing this show
will feed my soul for the next couple of days.
- It is nice, Sarah, you've been quarantined, basically.
- Yeah. - 'Cause you had your baby
and then you went into this.
- Yeah, it just feels like Groundhog Day but--
- With less jokes?
(laughing)
- I feel less creative, I don't know.
I don't even feel that creative.
I thought I would have all this time to like,
write cool stuff and come up with good ideas
and it's just like, no, it's just like,
"Tiger King" and wine.
- It is true that the shit I was supposed to do, like,
I'm gonna do this to my closet, if I'm not doing it now,
if I'm not watching this movie now, it's never happening.
I mean this is-- (chuckling)
You're begging for things to do and if you don't it now,
you're like, who am I kidding?
- It made me feel better when Sandler said that he wasn't
doing anything and I was like, all right,
if he's not, then I'm okay.
- Nobody is because it's like, every creative person I know
is having the same dilemma, where they're like, I should
be writing the next great comedy thing right now
with all this time and it's like, yeah but everyday
is so uncertain that all of our creative energy--
- Yeah. - Is being sapped
and then of course, you also are keeping a tiny human alive.
- Yeah. - And so,
it's like, the creative energy that would normally
be freed up by having the structure of our lives
is sort of like, we're kind of fighting off anxiety
and what to do and being, you know, like, caged in all day.
So it, the uncertainty of that, I'm just telling people,
like, don't feel bad if you don't write the great American
novel under quarantine, just get through each day
and be okay, just focus on your mental health.
- Yeah, I feel like trying to flatten the curve
takes up most of my day anyways, it's taking all my energy.
(laughing)
Okay, so, but I was gonna say,
I've never had a craving for crab rangoon but--
- I don't even know what that is, I
don't even know what crab rangoon is.
- It's not at the top of my 100 things
I would order, I'll you that.
(laughing)
- What's really fun to order is one of those
raw fish towers, those are really fun to see
the Uber Eats have to come and put that together.
(chuckling)
- Shit, sorry, that's Jeff Ross.
(laughing)
- Yeah, you really want raw fish being delivered
with like, one and two hour delivery times.
You know what, it'll probably be fine, it will be fine
by the time it gets here.
- Yeah, right?
- Hello, Jeff?
(chuckling)
That was Jeff Ross called and I hung up on you and not him.
(chuckling)
- Oh thanks.
- Hey buddy, watcha doin'? - Place is a absolute
shit show.
(laughing)
But we were getting, Sarah was blabbering on about something
but we're moving on to what feels like a local news story.
The end of a car chase, the cops found a dog was driving
behind the wheel and his owner claimed he was teaching
him how to drive and steering for him and in a crazy
turn of events, the owner was high on drugs,
I don't know what ones, I'm guessing
the letters PCP might be involved.
- Or just all of them.
- Officer gave up, what drug?
Just put the line down all the boxes.
- I don't know what you got, I'm lettin' the dog drive.
I mean, I do think that in his state there was like,
a molecule of responsibility, like, I'm too fucked up,
you drive and then just gave the dog, like,
I think he was at least trying, he was trying.
- You've seen me do this a million times.
You can do it, the dog's like, hm?
- Yeah, it was like a female pit bull.
- Oh, it was? - And as someone
who's often been described as a bitch behind the wheel,
I would just like to say that I
don't see anything wrong with it.
- Yeah. - Yeah,
well pit bulls have the undeserved reputation
of being aggressive drivers and it's just bad--
- Aggressive drivers, yeah. - They're very sweet.
- They said it drives at a 15 year old level.
By the way, when I was 15, I didn't wanna drive.
I was scared to, it's very scary.
Like, people forget, like, everyone's wanting to drive
and then you've got this two tons of machinery
and you hit it and you go to defensive driving
and they show you like, every crash, "Wheels Of Tragedy,"
"Mechanized Death," "Red Asphalt," "The Last Prom."
- Oh my God, I remember watching "Red Asphalt!"
- They show you people wiped out and bloodied
and dead, I'm like, and they're like,
now get out there and have some fun.
(laughing)
Even the dog's like-- - In a Cutlass.
- Yeah, it was really sickening, the dog
is chasing cars and then he was like,
oh, this is the way to do it.
(makes engine revving sound)
(laughing)
Hey, you fucker.
- Aw, to the cat. - Yeah, they just follow
the trail of like, run over cats, there was just like,
a trail of just flattened cats, like all over.
- He tried to ramp it, he's "Grand Theft Auto" with cats.
(chuckling)
- My dog would be like, find me a way
to get that fucking squirrel out of the tree.
- Oh yeah, hold on. (laughing)
(makes tires screeching sound)
Oh, you didn't see a squirrel, yes, I did.
(laughing)
He does like, a "Fast & Furious" maneuver.
- Eight point turn to get to the squirrel.
- Stories like this, you said this is a local news story
and I always imagine, like, the local news covering this
and just like, all the like, hacky jokes where they're like,
and this reporter thinks that was a bit of a rough road.
We're back and then over to sports and then
Stormy's got the weather, you know, like, it just--
- This reporter thinks you're a little bit of a bitch.
(laughing)
Everyone stops and then he goes, oh I was tying in--
- It was just play on words, there.
- Yeah, Cage's favorite rapper, Megan Thee Stallion
has admitted in interview with "Marie Claire"
that she treats men like they are disposable.
I'm only bringing this up because I thought,
I know women don't get a lot to say out there
and sometimes they feel like, whatever,
I mean, I read all, everything, I know everything
about women, oh my God, but I do feel like it's one
of the few things that you can get away with saying
if you're a woman and you definitely cannot if you're a guy.
- Yeah, for sure, yeah, like especially right now.
Probably is the best time to say that.
- If you read that and it said, David Spade says
he admitted women are disposable, like, wait, what?
At that's like, and she just gets everyone going,
cool, let's do a tick tock video to that.
(scatting)
(laughing)
- What I love about her, is I was reading the story
and it said that she's studying online to get a degree
in health care administration because she wants to open
an assisted living care facility for the elderly
which I think is amazing.
- Nice thing to do. - But I'm wondering,
if like, with the elderly residents, you're like,
she's like, you're here because I want you to be here,
Mr. Nussbaum, like, are they--
- Oh yeah. - I want Meghan Markle
to go by Meghan Thee Markle.
(laughing)
I think that's cool.
- But they're in Los Angeles now,
they're in Los Angeles now, right?
- Oh, Meghan Thee Markle is?
- Yeah, Meghan Thee Markle is in Los,
I think they relocated to Los Angeles.
- I keep looking for them at Ralph's.
- They go to King Ralph's, Dave.
(chuckling)
- I go to, any Ralph's with a helicopter on the roof.
(laughing)
They repel and-- - Get them their helipad,
the helipad on top of the Vonn's is like,
oh that's for their--
(chuckling)
- Meghan Thee Stallion, of course I don't even,
I've heard of her but I don't know any songs.
I'm sure-- - Yeah.
- Courtney and Coco will be doing a tick tock to that later.
- Yeah. - And of course I'm over here
looking like an asshole 'cause I don't know anything.
- I don't know. - Oh shit.
- Dave, Dave before
we wrap things up-- - Yes, Chris, of course.
- Can I put on my favorite movie prop
that I bought in a movie auction?
- Oh, for real, a real prop? - Yeah.
- Yeah, a real prop. - Oh I love this,
I seen those things. - It's part of comedy history.
I bought the darth helmet from "Spaceballs."
- Oh, wow!
- That's the real one?
- Yeah and I really can't breathe in this thing.
Yeah. - Oh, that's cool,
it has a little fake speaker though.
All right, well, we'll go out on that, you guys.
Thank you for being here and as I find a way to hang up
on you with my scroller, thanks guys
and we'll see you next time.
(rock music)